


Losing Chase

by Chasing_dreams



Series: Chase Series [3]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: F/F, References to Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-23
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2017-12-06 05:51:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 69,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/732159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chasing_dreams/pseuds/Chasing_dreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 3 and conclusion to my "Chase Series".  Chase finds herself back on Earth after being brought back to life and being held as a prisoner of war.  Can her life ever be the same again?  Or has it changed forever?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: There is a suicide attempt in this part. Possible trigger warning for anyone who may struggle with that topic.
> 
> A/N: I decided I didn't like the way this turned out...so I am going to rewrite most of it...sorry! It is being worked on as I type! (well, maybe not as I type THIS, but you know what I mean...)

_Chase awoke to a slight rumbling sensation and scraping sound. She had to blink a few times before her eyes settled on a grey ceiling illuminated with soft lighting. Groaning, she sat up, noticing for the first time she was in a deep box, akin to a casket. She realized with a start that she was sitting in a sarcophagus, the devices the Goa’uld used to bring people back to life or heal them. ___

_Taking a second to look herself over, she noticed the large gap in her clothing over her heart. Those Jaffa have good aim, she thought to herself before making a scramble to get out of the sarcophagus. The thing was giving her the creeps. She looked around the small room, taking in windows that showed only an inky sky with bright stars. Hearing the scraping sound again, she turned and saw another sarcophagus opening. Rushing to it, she gazed down at the still form of Arianna Simons. ___

*

It had been a long time since Chase had bought beer. As a rule, she considered herself a wine person, not least of all due to the start of her relationship with Sam. Still, as she wandered through the store in a catatonic state, she found herself reaching for the 12-pack of Blue Moon as if it were second nature. In annoyance, she blew a few stray pieces of hair fell in her eyes. She knew that her long, dark hair haphazardly pulled into a ponytail and the dark sweats she wore was not how she usually appeared. However, after two months as a prisoner of war she hardly cared what she looked like as she shopped at the gas station store near her apartment. It crossed her mind that she probably looked like an addict looking for her next fix, but she couldn’t muster the energy to change it.

The month in captivity had been a living hell and yet she had become quite accustomed to being a slave. So as she paid for her alcohol and a few other supplies she thanked whatever god there was that they had made it out of that situation fairly unharmed, with a few notable exceptions about which she did not wish to think. There was, of course, the psychological damage that demanded the attention of an Air Force therapist cleared by the Stargate program, but she was trying to block that part out, at least for the moment. She could afford to shut herself away for a little while, especially since that therapist had ordered rest for both her and Arianna.

She stepped out into the cold, wishing she had brought a jacket on the spontaneous trip. Bowing her head into the wind, she ignored the blowing of hair into her eyes as she made her way back to the relative safety of her apartment. It was cluttered with half-filled boxes that Sam had attempted to pack and put into storage due to Chase having been presumed dead. It was clear that Sam's heart had not been in it since the normally efficient woman had gotten so little done. 

Closing the door behind her, Chase let out a breath she hadn’t been aware she’d been holding. Warmth greeted her like an old friend, wrapping around her chilled skin and greatly calming her. She put away her groceries. She had only gone for a few things to eat, such as yogurt and crackers, but had ended up also buying the beer and a box of honey buns for her sweet tooth she hadn’t realized she’d missed while she was gone.

Tossing the bag in the trash with a sigh, she opened a beer and moved to sit on the couch. Finding the TV remote, she switched on the TV. For the past few days she had reveled in the solitude that had been denied her while she was a prisoner, but now she was feeling torn about her seclusion, beginning to long for some sort of company. It was at times like these she wished she had a pet, but knew she was not at home enough to care for one. 

Taking a sip of her beer, she settled into the comfortable red cushions, grateful at least for how they hugged her and reflected her own heat. She found a channel that was playing a favorite history documentary and allowed her thoughts to drift to the past few days. After everything was finally over, their escape realized and they were safe in the SGC once again, Chase had felt herself go numb all over. For so long she had been focused on one goal: getting out of Bacchus’ clutches, and if she couldn’t save herself, at least making sure Arianna was one day freed. Once their escape had been successful, her emotions simply shut down.

She wasn’t a therapist, but even she realized it was a defense mechanism, something to protect her emotions from overloading her. And she was going to just go with it since she felt like there was nothing else she could do. It was something she had done for as far back as she could remember. Once the emotionally charged incident was over she would retreat back into herself, collapsing her emotions, hiding them even from herself. It was something she had learned from her father, maybe subconsciously at first, but she noticed it now. To her, it was a mark of a good soldier. Good soldiers didn’t have emotional breakdowns. They were strong in every way, and that was what she wanted to be. 

Something had happened that had shaken that belief, something that had shocked and terrified her. Surprisingly, it wasn't anything that happened during her captivity, but after she returned. Sam had been overly concerned, insisting upon driving Chase home after the debriefing was over and Dr. Fraiser had checked both Arianna and Chase thoroughly. At the time, Chase was simply grateful she didn’t have to drive because she was far too tired to operate a car. When they entered her apartment, Chase was overwhelmed with the sheer gratitude of being home and the mixed emotions that arose at the state of upheaval in her apartment.

Chase had begun to question her girlfriend about the boxes and disarray and the strong, intelligent woman began to unravel before Chase’s eyes. The tears began to flow and Sam had to sit down as she explained how the apartment manager had informed her, since Chase had been reported dead, that the apartment would have to be cleared out in anticipation for the next tenant. Designated as the one to pack up her the remnants of her girlfriend's life, Sam had taken the news hard. She slept there more than at her own place and had been packing as slowly as possible, putting off completely dealing with the Chase’s death. She said it had been one way of distracting herself and reminiscing at the same time.

Sam’s complete and utter breakdown in her living room had shocked Chase to the core. To see the woman who had been such a rock in Chase’s life completely fall apart was disconcerting to say the least and utterly life-changing. Chase had experienced a multitude of life-altering experiences in such a short period of time, she felt she couldn’t hold onto herself in the midst of it all. So instead of trying to handle yet another emotionally-charged situation, she shut down again even before Sam’s tears began drying and her arms wrapped around Chase tightly. Chase felt the intensity in the embrace but barely returned it. Sam must have felt the hesitation because she pulled away, mumbling something about Chase probably wanting time alone, and left.

That was the last time Chase had seen her, although Sam had called at least once a day to see how Chase was doing. Each time, they had exchanged a few tense words before saying their farewells and hanging up the phone. Chase realized she was pushing her girlfriend away, but she wasn’t quite sure how to handle the sudden rush of emotions she could feel rolling off Sam in waves. That was not the way good soldiers handled life situations, at least not the way Chase had learned. How could someone with such a fantastic career in the military break down so easily?

Chase had lost track of time and how many beers she had finished when there was a knock at the door. Muting the TV, she stood slowly and found herself swaying a little as she made her way unsteadily to the door. Opening it, she leaned against the jamb for much needed support and looked up to see who had knocked. Standing there was Chloe, dressed impeccably in a black jacket and a navy business suit, her hands defiantly on her hips and pinning her with a dark, piercing stare.

“So you are alive,” the woman commented dryly as her gaze traveled up and down Chase’s unusual clothes. “Although apparently just barely.”

Inebriated, Chase couldn’t decide on a sarcastic comeback, so she merely replied with a greeting. “Hello, Chloe. What brings you around today?”

Undoubtedly expecting sarcasm, Chloe’s eyebrows rose in what looked like disbelief. . “I figured if you weren’t going to let us know you were still alive, I’d find out for myself. You know, because I would assume you’d at least want Tracy to know she didn’t need to mourn you any longer.”

Sighing, Chase moved aside. “Want to come in?”

“That would be nice, thanks,” Chloe continued sarcastically as she slipped by Chase into the apartment. Her eyes scanned the interior before turning back to Chase as she door closed behind them. “Going somewhere?”

“My stuff was supposed to, before I came back. I haven’t had the energy to unpack since I’ve been home.” She paused, struggling to remember what she had meant to say before the question was posed. Finally, she remembered. “I was going to tell you and Tracy I was back, I’ve just been…”

This time, only one of Chloe’s eyebrows rose. “Busy?”

Chase half-smiled, half-grimaced at her ex-girlfriend. “Yeah, I guess that’s it,” she said, leaving it at that. There was no way she’d admit to the real reason, even to herself, which was that she had been battling simply to exist. “Want a beer?” she asked, raising the one in her hand. 

Chloe shrugged and responded with a simple, “Sure,” before removing her jacket and sitting on the couch as if no time had passed since the last time she had visited. According to Chase’s struggling memory, it had been at least a year since Chloe had been to the apartment, and even then it had just been to drop off Tracy for a visit, never to stay. Somehow they had gotten into the pattern of Chase picking up Tracy at Chloe’s. That had been fine for all involved since Chloe had exhibited no interest in meeting Sam and Chase saw no need to introduce them.

But things somehow seemed different now, Chase mused as she handed Chloe a beer and sat down on the couch a few feet from her ex. Maybe it was the news of her death, or the fact that Sam was not readily present, or even the fact that Chase herself had changed drastically in the past few months. Still, something was definitely different about the mood that settled over them than what had been since their break-up two years earlier. Or, Chase reasoned in a moment of clarity, it could obviously be because she was drunk.

Taking a sip, Chloe glanced around once again at the apartment and then back at Chase’s slightly flushed face. “So Spencer told us about your supposed death. Tracy took it pretty hard,” Chloe started without sarcasm. Taking another sip of beer, Chloe continued before Chase could form a response, “And I’m sorry for what I said. He did tell us later what happened, that you had simply been held as a prisoner of war and presumed dead.”

Chase snorted and shook her head. “Simply,” she echoed, her tone dark and clouded. 

Chloe sighed. “I know it wasn’t a picnic for you, but we were certainly glad you’re still alive,” she replied softly, laying a hand on Chase’s arm on the back of the couch. 

Not knowing what to say, Chase just nodded and took another sip of beer, not moving her arm and Chloe didn’t move her hand. Chloe leaned sideways onto the red cushions of the couch and a little forward, closer to Chase. 

“Are you okay, Chase? You look like shit, and I’m guessing that’s not just because you’re drunk. And what’s up with that? I’ve never known you to drink alone.”

Chase shrugged and poured more of the amber liquid into her mouth. Her gaze found the still flickering TV, pausing momentarily before turning back to the woman beside her. “Trying to figure things out,” was what finally came out of her mouth, unclear even to herself.

“Figure what out?” Chloe pressed her, moving closer. “Things between you and Sam?”

At the mention of Sam’s name Chase looked away again, but she did manage to nod slightly. Then in the next moment she changed her mind and shook her head. “I guess I’m just trying to figure out everything,” she replied quietly before taking another sip.

*

Chloe studied her ex closely for a moment. In the years they were together, Chase had displayed a few moments of weakness, but never like this. Her usually vibrant, chocolate eyes were dark and fixed on the bottle in her hand, her thumb idly wiping the moisture from the label. The sweatshirt she wore was baggy and hung from a body that was much smaller than Chloe remembered. Chloe’s gaze moved to Chase’s face and held there for a moment. The mixture of sadness and despair caught her off-guard; she had never seen Chase so open and fragile as she did now. 

Moving closer, Chloe brushed some loose hair out of Chase’s face. “If you want to talk, I’m here.”

Chase watched her closely, probably looking for any sign of sarcasm, their usual way of interacting since the breakup. Chloe couldn’t blame her. Finally, Chase asked quietly, “Why? We haven’t exactly been on the best of terms lately.”

Chloe moved even closer so that their knees were touching; she was as close as possible without sitting in Chase’s lap. Taking a deep breath she let it out slowly. She knew Chase was drunk, otherwise she wouldn’t dare do or say what she was. She plunged forward. “Because I still love you.”

For what seemed like an eternity, Chase remained silent and still. She stared at Chloe with what looked like an expression of disbelief, the beer bottle in her hand poised about halfway to her lips. 

Nervously, Chloe glanced away and brought her own beer to her lips, downing the rest of the bottle in one motion. She squirmed uncomfortably in her seat for a moment before shrinking away from her ex-girlfriend’s side. Feeling her cheeks grow warm, she removed her hand from Chase’s arm and said softly, “Well, now that I’ve completely made a fool of myself, I’m going to go.”

She moved to stand up, but paused when Chase grabbed her hand, tugging gently. “Don’t go,” she whispered, her eyes seeming to beg Chloe to stay. Unsure of what to do, Chloe froze for a moment, trying to decide whether to continue standing or to lean back onto the sofa. As it turned out, she didn’t have to make that decision, because at that moment Chase pulled a little harder, drawing Chloe to her. Chase’s free hand somehow found the back of Chloe’s neck and quickly drew her into a hard kiss.

Shocked, Chloe felt herself unable to move at all. But soon enough she felt Chase’s soft and inviting tongue begging entrance, and she succumbed to the moment. Moaning softly, her eyelids slid closed, and she moved impossibly closer to the other woman, deepening the kiss. It had been so long since they had shared such an intimate moment and Chloe’s heart couldn’t stop racing. Her brain fizzled out, discarding the last rational thought she had, one of Chase’s current intoxicated state, and exploded in a fury of passion. It was just the two of them now; no one else existed.

Chloe pushed gently Chase, who obediently lowered herself down on the couch and Chloe followed, laying her longer body on top of Chase’s smaller one. They fit together just as Chloe remembered, one of her legs sliding seductively between Chase’s firm thighs. Chase responded by grinding herself against Chloe’s upper leg, causing Chloe to grin and nip playfully at Chase’s lower lip. Oh, how she had missed this, she thought, as she leaned down and began sucking on Chase’s neck, intent on leaving her mark.

Without really thinking about it, she pulled back, pulled off her suit jacket and reached for the buttons of her blouse. It was getting a little hot in there for her, and she didn’t mind being the one who started shedding clothes first. Chase smiled, her seemingly unfocused eyes trained on Chloe as she perched on Chase’s legs and quickly undid the buttons on her red blouse. Chloe tossed the garment aside before she reached down, pulled Chase into a raised position, and peeled the sweatshirt from her body. There was a tight, gray, Air Force tee underneath. It was clear Chase wasn't wearing a bra beneath it, her nipples winking at Chloe through the thin material of the shirt. Chloe smiled wickedly, remembering many times she had commented about that very shirt when they had been dating. 

Lowering Chase back onto the cushions, Chloe’s fingers found one of the nipples through the shirt and gently stroked it. Chase hissed through her teeth and threw her head back. Chloe snickered as she lowered her mouth onto the other one, sucking gently, leaving a wet circle on the gray material. Chloe could feel Chase’s hands trying to find the clasp on her red bra, but Chase seemed a little too distracted by the sensations Chloe was eliciting.

Suddenly there was a crashing sound. She could feel the woman in her arms freeze; Chloe instantly pulled away from Chase and turned toward the sound.


	2. Chapter 2

_“Bow before your new Lord and master,” rasped the Goa’uld before them. She could see why Bacchus had been considered such a seductive god in Greek history. He was called the god of “wine and good times”, if she recalled correctly. Everything in the room exuded comfort and sex, from the large pillows to the scantily dressed, very attractive people the Goa’uld seemed to collect._

_Chase shook her head and lifted her chin defiantly. He could force them to wear next to nothing and claim to own them, but she refused to let him take her spirit. “No,” she replied, pretending not to hear Arianna’s pleas for her to obey the snake-infested host on the opulent throne before them._

*

Chase’s eyes widened in shock and horror when she saw Sam standing a few feet away, two bags of groceries she had dropped on the floor, the apparent cause of the sound they had heard. Chase’s girlfriend seemed unable to move as she stared at the two of them on the couch, both struggling for breath. Sam’s eyes narrowed on what Chase assumed was the wet spot on her shirt right over her nipple, and she could see Sam’s blue eyes shining with obvious hurt and tears.

There were a few moments of silence that seemed to stretch into eternity as only the sounds of their breathing pierced her ears. Apparently she wasn’t the only one unable to find her voice as Sam stood there, shaking with what Chase assumed was at least shock and probably anger. Finally, Sam seemed to make a decision. Leaving the dropped bags where they were, she turned and walked out, slamming the door behind her. Chase winced at the sound.

Though inebriated, it only took her what seemed like a split second to realize what had just happened. Tears welled in her eyes; she blinked them away as her hands suddenly found the discarded sweatshirt and pulled it on hastily. She was up and running before she had fully made the decision to do so. 

“Sam!” she heard herself calling as she wrenched open the door and ran down the hall after the woman she loved, barely registering the ice cold of the wooden floor on her bare feet.

The woman she was calling whirled around to face her, tears now rapidly streaming down her cheeks. “What?” she asked, her tone full of what sounded like distain, hatred, and rejection. Chase doubted the Goa’uld themselves had ever been on the receiving end of such a look from the Air Force major.

The sheer force of the emotion behind the one word caused Chase to skid to a stop a few feet from Sam, breathing heavily. Chase was sure that she looked a mess. Her sweatshirt was probably inside out or backwards, her hair was crazy, and she could feel the sweat drip down her back. She tried to figure out what to say that might make the situation any better.

“This…isn’t what it looks like,” Chase started feebly, instantly knowing exactly how cliché that sounded. She looked down at the floor, unable to meet Sam’s gaze.

Sam crossed her arms over her leather jacket and shook her head. “Oh no? This isn’t you having sex with another woman when you’ll barely talk to me?”

“We didn’t have sex,” Chase replied meekly, even though she was quite sure what Sam would say in response.

Throwing up her arms and rolling her eyes, Sam answered, “Only because I walked in it! It was clear you weren’t about to put a stop to it, Chase! Do you think I’m stupid?”

Chase couldn’t remember a time when she had to fight tears harder than she was right now. As it was, she kept her gaze glued to the floor, only seeing Sam’s upset gestures through her peripheral vision. Still, she floundered for words to say, anything that would fix this situation. Finally, she raised her eyes and met Sam’s gaze, a single tear escaping from the corner of her right eye. “I’m sorry. It didn’t mean anything,” she whispered hoarsely.

Taking a deep breath, Sam took a step back, her hands finding the door behind her as she shook her head and turned the knob. “Well, it meant something to me,” she replied, her voice full of hurt as her hair was tousled by the cold wind. She wiped her eyes, shook her head and stepped out of sight.

Shaking slightly, Chase finally let go and allowed the tears to flow, slumping against the wall for support. Her mind was racing, fighting the intoxication with the shock and despair of what had just happened. She brought her hands up to her face, using her sleeve to try and remove all evidence of her crying, but each time a new tear streaked down her cheek to replace the one she mopped away. Accepting defeat, she pushed away from the wall and, with much difficulty, made her way back to her apartment.

Her feet, cold and stiff, felt heavy and painful when she finally closed the door behind her. Her tears had slowed, allowing her to finally wipe them callously away, as if they had never existed. Her heart felt like stone; every ounce of her body felt heavy and broken. She glanced over to where Sam had dropped the bags and saw Chloe, now fully clothed, with paper towels and a trash bag, cleaning some egg yolks from the hardwood floor.

“You don’t have to do that,” Chase muttered before she walked over to the sofa and collapsed, leaning against the side and hugging the armrest tightly, still watching her ex clean her floor.

Chloe shrugged as she threw the last of the dirty paper towels in a bag and stood up. “It was something to do,” she replied, trying to act as if it wasn’t a big deal, but her tone betrayed her. Chase noticed her usually flat hair was sticking up from where fingers had been running through it – Chase’s fingers, in fact – and though she was dressed, it wasn’t in her usual crisp, well ironed demeanor, but rather quite wrinkled and with a few buttons matched incorrectly in her rush.

Sighing, Chase felt a strong surge of regret welling up inside her chest as she watched her ex-girlfriend put away the cleaning supplies. In the course of one drunken afternoon she had hurt not only one person she cared about, but two, and both were women who loved her deeply. Hiding her head in the sand like an ostrich didn’t sound so bad at the moment, but she had never been one to hide from her problems.

“Chloe, look, I—” she began, fully intending on a heart-felt apology, but was stopped by Chloe’s upraised palm.

“Don’t,” Chloe interrupted her, pain evident in her voice and shimmering, dark eyes. “I heard what you said, that this didn’t mean anything to you. But it did to me, and I don’t want an apology.” She blinked, and wrapped her arms around herself. “I’m gonna go. If you want to talk later, after everything has calmed down, you know my number. And please, for god’s sake, eat something.”

At the mention of food, Chase’s stomach felt decidedly upset. She pressed a hand to it, willing it to stop churning as she answered slowly and deliberately, “Okay. I’ll talk to you later.”

Chloe nodded as she slid into her winter jacket and walked back over to the couch where Chase was sitting. She tenderly caressed the Chase’s cheek and leaned over, pressing a chaste kiss on her lips. “I hope you figure out what you want, Chase,” she said softly, looking as if she wanted to add something, but apparently changing her mind. She turned and walked out of the apartment, leaving Chase alone with her thoughts.

After watching her go, the most pressing thought on Chase’s mind was her irritable stomach. Standing, she felt her stomach roil dangerously. She rushed to the bathroom and collapsed next to the toilet just in time.

*

_“Arianna?” she heard Chase whisper across the darkness to where she was lying on her makeshift cot._

_“Yeah?” Arianna whispered back, reaching a hand out to the woman with whom she had been imprisoned._

_Chase must have heard or felt the movement because she reached out as well and grasped Arianna’s hand in her own. “I need you to promise me something,” Chase said softly._

_“Anything,” Arianna replied, never more certain that she would do anything for this woman who had given her life in exchange for her own and continually protected her from the Jaffa who intimidated them daily._

_“If you get back home and I don’t,” Chase began._

_“Don’t say that,” Arianna hissed, clutching Chase’s hand more tightly. “We’re both going to make it out of here!” She heard Chase sigh in the darkness and let her continue._

_“But if I don’t, I need you to do something for me.”_

_“What’s that?” Arianna asked._

_“Tell Sam that I love her.”_

*

Arianna had been sleeping a lot since she and Chase had been rescued. Well, if she was honest with herself, it was really Chase who had rescued them all with a little help from SG1. In the time they had been slaves, the two very different women had formed a delicate alliance out of mutual respect that had slowly evolved into a grudging friendship. By the time they left that cold, alien craft, Arianna had to admit that she considered Chase one of her most cherished friends.

In her blissful sleep, she fought off the unmistakable shaking from strong, determined hands. Finally, she groaned and flopped onto her back, her eyes struggling to focus on the handsome face of her boyfriend that hovered above her. Waving him away, Arianna brought her hands up to her eyes and rubbed, shaking her head as she tried to remember why she was asleep on Daniel’s couch, fully dressed.

“How long?” she managed to rasp, finally moving her hands and melting into those clear blue eyes she loved.

Daniel shrugged. “A few hours,” he replied. “Sam’s here to see you,” he went on to explain, moving so that their friend could step into view.

Arianna nodded and sat up, still rubbing her eyes. “Hey, Sam,” she greeted her friend softly, swinging her legs onto the floor and patting the couch next to her. “Why don’t you sit?” she asked, knowing it would be a few minutes before she would want to stand. 

Sam lowered herself onto the couch next to Arianna, her gaze on the floor as Daniel left the room. 

Her exhaustion temporarily sated, Arianna’s attention finally focused on the woman seated beside her. She took in the downcast expression and overall demeanor of her friend. “Sam?” she asked, laying a comforting hand on the other woman’s shoulder. “Sam, what’s wrong?”

A single tear escaped from Sam’s eye before her eyes slid closed and she shook her head. “I can’t…” she trailed off, taking a deep breath, as if she was trying to compose herself before going on. 

Arianna waited, knowing that Sam would talk when she was ready. 

Opening her eyes, Sam turned slightly, looking into Arianna’s eyes. Her blue eyes sparkling with unshed tears, Sam shook her head again and whispered, her tone flat, “I just walked in on Chase cheating on me.”

“What?” Arianna asked in a whisper, not believing what she was hearing, but knowing Sam wouldn’t lie about something like this.

“I thought you’d be more upset," she said, looking confused, her eyebrows furrowed.

“I am upset,” Arianna replied, leaning back into the black cushions and running her hands over her face. “I’m pissed that she did it, that you had to see it, and a number of other things,” she said when her hands fell limp at her sides and her eyes found Sam’s blazing ones.

“But?” Sam prompted quietly.

Arianna shrugged and gazed out the window for a moment before she replied softly, “But I can’t hate her anymore. Not now. Not after all she’s done for me.”

Letting out a strangled groan, Sam fell back against the couch, her eyes on the ceiling, looking as if she was drowning in an emotional whirlpool. Finally, she sighed and slowly shook her head back and forth. “After she saved your life, I know,” she whispered. She turned and looked at her friend again. “But how could she do this? Does saving your life earn her some sort of free pass to do whatever she wants, no matter who she hurts?”

Arianna shook her head before tearing her gaze away from the bright sun and foliage outside the apartment window. “No, Sam,” she said, her hand finding Sam’s and squeezing tightly. “She doesn’t have a pass. But you have to decide how you want to react to this. Tell me what you want to do here. I’ll back you, no matter what.”

Tears shimmered in Sam’s eyes again before she turned her head and shook it. “I don’t know, Arianna. I just don’t know.”

*


	3. Chapter 3

_The weather had been crisp, clear, and chilly that day. Fall was steadily turning to winter, and it seemed appropriate that the cold settled over his bones as he took in the news that he would never see his sister again. He and Sam had decided to meet at that same outdoor café where they had first met – when Chase was vibrant, alive, and happy, nestled between her daughter and the woman she loved. Now it was just Sam and Spencer staring across the iron table at each other and Sam was blinking away tears._

_“She’s dead?” Spencer asked, clutching the paper coffee cup as if its contents could warm more than his hands._

_Sam nodded, wiping away another tear as soon as it escaped. “She’s dead,” Sam confirmed for the second time as she reached across the table and squeezed Spencer’s hand. “I’m so sorry.”_

_He nodded and met her gaze. “Me, too,” he whispered, returning the comforting gesture._

*

“Chase, talk to me.” She had called him out of the blue only three days after he had seen her, since he had held her as if he thought he might never hold her again. It was true that he had thought that he wouldn’t ever see, hug, or talk to his sister again, but this phone call sounded so strange, so unlike her. He thought he could even hear a catch in her voice, as if she had been crying. If Chase was crying, the situation had to be bad.

He could have sworn he heard a sniffle from her before she replied softly, “I’m ashamed, Spencer.”

“Of what?” Her entire life, he had never heard her utter that phrase. It made his heart constrict. When he received no immediate answer, he tried a different tactic. “Come on, Baby Girl, you can tell me anything.” He knew she hated that nickname, the one he and his brothers tortured her with when they were growing up because for the first few days after she came home from the hospital, their parents hadn’t named her yet (they finally decided to go with the one they had picked out for the boy they thought they were having). He hoped it might elicit some sort of response.

She drew in a deep, rattling breath. “I…I cheated on Sam.”

“You what?” His response was automatic, uncontrolled. The concept seemed so foreign to him. His baby sister, cheating on the woman she loved? He had to have misunderstood.

“See, I can’t. I can’t have you hate me, too.”

He sobered immediately. Apparently he had heard her correctly. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.” He paused before pressing forward cautiously, “I don’t think Sam does, either.”

She snorted. “Even in the unlikely event that she doesn’t, I’m sure Chloe does.”

“Chloe?” What the hell did Chase’s ex have to do with this?

She sighed. “Yeah, that’s the other part. Chloe’s the one I cheated with.”

“Chloe?” He repeated. This all had to be some strange, horrific nightmare because there was no way his sister would do anything like she was confessing. Would she?

“Yes.”

“And Sam knows?”

“She walked in on it.”

He let out a low, disbelieving whistle. He had thought things couldn’t get worse, but apparently they could. “Damn, Chase, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry? I’m the drunken idiot who almost slept with her ex-girlfriend and broke the heart of her current one.”

“Chase, you’ve been through a lot recently. So you made a bad decision. I’m sure Sam will forgive you.”

“You didn’t see the look on her face.”

He was about to respond when there was a sound in the background. “What was that?”

“Someone’s knocking on my door. Hang on a sec.” He listened to her footsteps on the iron stairs and then nothing as he assumed she padded barefoot across the wooden floor. The door must have opened because the next thing he heard was Chase’s voice again. 

“Arianna?”

*

Arianna brushed past Chase into the apartment, not seeming to care that Chase had the phone up to her ear. Closing the door behind her, Chase said quietly into the phone, “Spencer, let me call you back.”

Chase had barely hung up the phone when Arianna started yelling. “What the hell, Chase? What happened to ‘if I don’t get back, tell Sam I love her’? What…” She trailed off, finally meeting Chase’s gaze and seeming to deflate almost immediately.

“Why did you stop?” Chase whispered, her eyes dropping to the floor. “I deserve it.”

Making a disgruntled noise, Arianna answered, “What’s the point? You’re obviously being harder on yourself that I could ever be.”

“I don’t know,” Chase replied as she sat onto the couch and sighed loudly. “You’ve been great at hounding me before.”

There was small smile as Arianna joined Chase on the couch, shaking her head. “That was before…what’s going on, Chase?”

Chase shrugged. “I feel…lost,” she finally replied, not meeting Arianna’s gaze.

“Now? But we’re home.”

Nod. “I know. I don’t understand it, either.” Deep breath. “I can’t even begin to understand my actions or feelings right now, much less try to explain them.” She dropped her head into her hands. “You think I’m horrible, don’t you?”

“Nah.”

She lifted her head to stare at Arianna in disbelief. “Why not?”

“Because I know you. This is just an isolated incident.” She fixed Chase with a stern look. “That does not mean that you shouldn’t feel badly about what you did because you totally should.”

“I know.”

Arianna sighed and folded her arms across her chest, watching Chase closely. “Why don’t you come home with me for tonight?” she asked.

Chase looked at her in disbelief. “I doubt Sam would be happy about that.”

Arianna shrugged. “You need a friend right now. I think Sam will understand. It’s not a big deal if you just crash in our guest room. Then you won’t have to be alone.”

“I don’t know,” Chase replied, skeptical. “Why would you want to do this? I mean, I did just cheat on your best friend. And it wasn’t that long ago you would have rather killed me than let me sleep over at your apartment.”

“One,” Arianna started, holding up a finger, “I think you would agree you and I are both very different people now.” Chase nodded, but still wasn’t convinced. “Two,” she continued, adding a finger to the count, “I also consider you among my close friends now. So I want to help.”

Sighing, Chase folded her arms behind her upraised knees and shook her head. “I don’t want to make things difficult for you with Sam.”

“Let me worry about Sam. Please, Chase, let me help you. After everything you’ve done for me, this is the least I can do.”

Chase considered for a moment, but she had to agree that she was desperately lonely. It was probably what had led her to mess up in the first place. It might actually be best for her to be around people right now. She sighed and found herself nodding. 

*

_“Unauthorized off world activation!” Sergeant Harriman announced. What teams were off world? Sam wondered to herself before the realization hit her like a punch to the stomach. SG2. Chase and Arianna had left only about an hour before…could it be them? She asked herself as she felt her pace pick up as she jogged to the control room._

_Daniel met her as they both neared the doors and slipped inside. The iris was still closed and General Hammond was standing beside Harriman’s chair, both their gazes on the monitor, on which a code was slowly appearing. Come on, come on, Sam thought, finish the code. She had a bad feeling that was creeping up her veins like cold venom. Something was definitely wrong._

_Finally, the code for SG2 flashed completely onto the screen and General Hammond called to open the iris. Sam looked up, praying to see two faces she knew so well step through the shimmering event horizon, but only one person fell through, onto the ramp, blood seeping out around him as he called for the iris to be closed._

_No! Sam thought as she and Daniel exchanged fearful glances. That meant no one else was coming. They were either prisoners or worse. Sergeant Reed, if she recalled the bleeding man’s name correctly, was being helped up and onto a gurney by medical staff. General Hammond was asking about the rest of his team._

_“Dead,” he replied, his blue eyes seeming sad and shell-shocked. Sam thought she saw Janet look her way through the glass, but everything was getting hazy. All she felt was Daniel’s hand finding her arm before she tore herself away and ran from the room._

*

Sam pushed the door open to her house, feeling as if it had gained at least ten pounds since she had last been home. Shrugging out of her jacket, she dropped it on the banister as she trudged slowly up the stairs and into her room. Sitting on the side of her bed, she reached over and opened the drawer on the bedside table.

Nestled inside was a picture she had put away at the news her girlfriend was killed in action, the only picture she had of the two of them together. Ignoring a stray tear, she picked up the picture and stared down at it, memories filling her with more emotions than she cared to count. She remembered Spencer snapping the picture, promising her a copy only a beat later. The four of them had spent a great deal of time together after the first meeting at the café, something that had made Sam think that Chase wanted her to become an integral part of her life.

They were smiling in the picture, hugging each other close but not closer than would be considered normal for friends lest the world or worse, someone in the Air Force, were to notice. It all seemed so far away now, Sam thought as she leaned against the headboard and fought back tears. What had they been doing if not falling in love?

Come to think of it, Chase had never uttered those words to her. Not once in the almost year of dating did Sam’s girlfriend ever even return the sentiment. Of course, Sam had only uttered it once, that time she asked Chase to move in with her. She had thought Chase wasn’t ready to say it back, and that had seemed all right at the time. But what if she had been wrong? What if Chase hadn’t felt the same and she had only been making a fool of herself?

Sam sighed and put the picture away. What ifs weren’t going to help her now. Doubting their relationship was only going to make things worse. She snorted and shook her head. She wasn’t sure it was possible to make things worse at this point. 

The scene replayed in her head and she groaned, blinking back tears once again. What was she going to do? No matter how she felt about Chase, Sam couldn’t deny what she had seen and what the implications were. Not to mention their heated argument in the hall afterwards. Sam had never seen Chase so upset before, but she wasn’t sure what that meant. Even if Chase did feel horrible about what she had done, the fact was she had still done it. 

Could Sam forgive such an indiscretion? Whether she could or not, one thing was certain. Nothing was ever going to be the same. Of course, that had most likely been the case from the moment Chase returned anyway. Now things had just gotten much more complicated.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning found Chase running amidst some snow flurries, ignoring the cold and the stinging in her eyes. She actually felt that it wonderfully distracting, even the part where she was sucking the cold air into her lungs because it made her feel more alive. One good thing about today, Chase couldn’t help but think and try to focus on (so she didn’t focus on other things), was that she was going to see Dr. Kate today. 

She didn’t know when she had started looking forward to her visits with the counselor, but at some point Chase became completely comfortable talking with Dr. Kate and felt that their visits actually helped. Of course she hadn’t confessed that to anyone, not even Sam, but now she knew she needed counseling more than ever. No one could fault her for that after all that had happened.

As she rounded the corner back into the parking lot for Daniel and Arianna’s apartment building, her pace began to slow. There, parked right next to her own, was Sam’s car. As much as she wanted to be excited about this, she couldn’t help but feel the dread that crept into her uninvited. What would be waiting for her when she got into the apartment? An angry Sam? Arianna in tears? Chase didn’t like either option. There was nothing to be done now, though, she thought as she slowly started climbing the stairs.

*

Sam had to get out of her house. She wasn’t scheduled to work that day, but she decided to go to the base anyway. Maybe one of her experiments could take her mind off of the incessant loop it had decided to keep playing. On her way, she decided to stop by and see Arianna. She hadn’t spent much time with her friend since she had returned, mostly wanting to give Daniel some alone time with his girlfriend.

As she pulled into the parking lot, she noticed a car she wasn’t expecting to see. She drew in a breath at the recognition of the powder blue ’65 Mustang convertible. She remembered asking Chase about it and seeing her girlfriend’s face light up as she explained how she had restored the old car to its “former glory”. Chase was quite proud of that car, and it was unmistakably hers.

Not quite sure how to feel about this, Sam pulled her car into the empty space next to Chase’s and sat pondering this new development for a moment. Finally drawing a deep breath, she cut the engine and went inside. She still wasn’t sure how she was feeling or what she would do, but she couldn’t sit in her car all day.

A very sleepy Arianna opened the door after Sam’s second knock, rubbing her eyes and yawning. She smiled a little at Sam and motioned for her to come inside. “Good morning,” Arianna greeted Sam as she shut the door behind them. “Interested in some breakfast? Daniel was just offering to make some.”

Sam stared at her friend in wonder. How could she be so nonchalant, acting so normal when Sam’s ex-girlfriend, the woman who had cheated on her, was in that very apartment as they stood there talking? How could she act as if nothing was wrong here?

Shaking her head, Sam asked softly, “Is Chase here?”

That question made Arianna’s smile disappear. She must have known where Sam was going with this line of questioning. “No, actually, I think she went for a run. Did you want to see her?”

“No,” Sam answered quickly, and it sounded harsher than she meant. She took a deep breath. She was definitely angry, but she couldn’t sort out the exact reasons why. She just knew she wasn’t happy with Arianna having Chase over. It felt like a betrayal of sorts after what Chase had done and Arianna’s knowledge of it. 

“Okay, sorry for asking,” Arianna replied, moving back towards the kitchen.

Still, it didn’t seem that Arianna understood. Sam took a step closer and watched as her friend poured some coffee. “Did she spend the night?” Sam asked, thinking that was the only logical explanation why Chase’s car would be in the lot and Chase out for a run.

Arianna nodded. “Yeah, she was in pretty bad shape when I went over last night. I thought she could use a friend. Coffee?” 

Sam shook her head again, this time in response to the offered cup Arianna was holding towards her. And possibly to Arianna’s continued apparent naivety. “I thought you said you’d ‘back me no matter what’. Inviting the woman who just cheated on me to spend the night doesn’t seem like having my back, Arianna.”

This seemed to finally sink in as Arianna lowered her cup to the counter and gave Sam her full attention. “I know, and I’m sorry, Sam,” she started, drawing in a deep breath. Oh, so she did know at least on some level that what she had done wasn’t right. “But I couldn’t just leave her in that condition. She’s my friend now, too, and yes, she made a mistake. But that doesn’t mean that everyone should shun her for it. I couldn’t… can’t…won’t do that to her. Not after all she’s done for me.”

“After she saved your life?” Sam asked, hearing how bitter she sounded and looking away.

“No,” Arianna answered, the force of her response startling Sam enough to reestablish eye contact. “You weren’t there, Sam. Please stop trying to pretend that you know what happened.” She blinked back tears and looked down at her coffee. “You weren’t there when Chase was bleeding out on the floor and all I could do was pray that she’d be all right. You weren’t there when she stood up to the Jaffa for me, to make sure they didn’t…” her voice broke and Sam noticed Arianna had started crying. 

Sam started to feel shame creep into her heart as they stood there in silence for a few moments, she wasn’t sure exactly how long, before the sound of the door opening behind them broke into the stillness. She didn’t have to turn around to know that Chase had returned from her run. That she was now witnessing Arianna crying and Sam standing there like an idiot.

When she came into view, Chase moved into the kitchen and placed a hand on Arianna’s arm. Arianna looked up, smiled a little, placed her hand over Chase’s and nodded, as if to say she was all right. Chase nodded in return and went to make her own cup of coffee. 

Sam couldn’t help but notice the symmetry in their movements and how they didn’t even have to use words to communicate with each other. She would be jealous, but she knew Arianna was no threat to her, that she and Chase were merely friends. Besides, she and Chase were no longer together, what right did she have to be jealous? Then again, logic never did play a part in the dealings of love and, of course, she was insanely jealous. 

“Hello, Sam,” Chase greeted her, surprising Sam out of her jealous thoughts for a moment. Her tone sounded neutral, as if she wasn’t sure what to expect, as if she was a little nervous broaching conversation at all. Which, in Sam’s mind, was expected in this moment, as their last conversation had ended rather badly.

Shaking her head, Sam backed away from the scene slowly and stuffed her hands into her coat pockets. “I can’t do this,” she whispered, unable to tear her eyes away from the two women in the kitchen. “I just…” she blinked back tears and turned towards the door. She couldn’t even formulate words through her anger, jealously, hurt, and all the other emotions that were swirling through her at that moment. When she was speechless she knew better than to stick around. She was out the door as quickly as she could.

*

Arianna let out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding. Glancing at the woman beside her, whose eyes were watery and fixed on the door, Arianna asked quietly, “Are you okay?”

Chase shook her head and smiled a little, turning towards Arianna as she answered, “I was just going to ask you the same question. She looked really upset.”

Shrugging, Arianna took a sip of coffee and replied softly, “She’s really hurt. And she has every right to be angry.”

Nodding, Chase turned away again and sighed. “I know.” She took a deep breath. “Thank you for letting me stay last night. It meant a lot to me.”

Arianna nodded. “Of course. Do you want to stay again tonight?”

Chase shook her head again and placed her now empty coffee mug in the sink. “No, I don’t think that would be wise. But thank you.” She patted Arianna on the shoulder as she walked by. “I’ll be out of your hair as soon as I take a shower and get dressed.”

“You don’t have to rush off,” Arianna told her, although she had a feeling it wouldn’t do any good.

“Things to do, people to see,” Chase quipped before she disappeared down the hallway.

Arianna chuckled as she sipped her coffee and turned her attention to Daniel now entering the kitchen, looking rather nervous. “Is it safe now?” Daniel asked.

Lifting an eyebrow in response, Arianna shook her head and asked a question of her own, “Safe from whom? The women-folk?”

He crossed his arms over his chest and fixed her with what she thought was trying to be an annoyed glare. However, he was barely holding back a smile as he replied, “Maybe.” His face became completely serious then as he dropped his arms to his side and asked tenderly, “You okay? You seem caught in the middle here, and I don’t like that.”

She nodded but let him hold her anyway. She had to admit she had missed this while she was gone. “Yeah, I’m okay. I just wish that Sam and Chase could be as happy as us. I guess can’t you have everything, huh?”

Daniel nodded against her hair and pulled back slightly to kiss her briefly. “Just don’t take on too much, okay? They’ve got to work out their own problems.”

“I know,” she replied, snuggling into his arms again.

*

Janet had worked another overnight shift and was looking forward to the ride she knew would be waiting for her. Her boyfriend and her daughter, as had become their tradition whenever she worked overnight, would pick her up and they would drop Cassie off at school on their way home. However, on her way to the elevator, Janet noticed a light on in a lab that she hadn’t expected.

Sighing, Janet decided a little detour couldn’t hurt and she turned into Sam’s lab, knocking lightly on the doorframe. Sam looked up from some experiment, her eyes noticeably red and a look of fatigue obvious on her face. A little confused and concerned, Janet put her bag down on the table and slid onto the stool next to her friend.

“What’s wrong?” She asked, watching Sam’s face closely. 

Sam shook her head and made an attempt to go back to her work. “It’s nothing.”

This was completely not like Sam at all. “Oh no,” Janet replied, causing Sam to look up in apparent surprise. “Tell me you don’t want to talk about it or it’s none of my business, but please don’t insult me by telling me it’s nothing. It’s obviously something.”

Sighing, Sam shook her head and looked at Janet for a moment before commenting softly, sounding thoughtful and sad at the same time, “I do really want to talk to someone.”

“But?” Janet asked gently, not wanting to push Sam away, but sensing there was something holding her friend back.

Running a hand through her hair, Sam replied, “The last person I trusted…” she trailed off and blinked a few times, glancing away. “Well, let’s just say that I don’t feel like that worked out too well.”

Janet nodded and placed a tentative hand on Sam’s back. “I’m sorry for that. If you feel like sharing, I’ll listen. If not, I understand.”

Sam seemed to consider this for a moment or two. Then she fixed Janet with those clear blue eyes and asked, obviously very seriously, “Just how close are you and Chase?”

This confused Janet a little and she drew back slightly at the intensity in Sam’s gaze. “I’m not sure what you mean. Our relationship has always been platonic, if that’s your concern.”

That comment sparked a small smile as Sam shook her head and replied, “No, no. Sorry, that was a bit vague, wasn’t it? What I meant was, do you feel a certain amount of loyalty to her as a friend?”

Janet shrugged. “I’m not really sure how to answer that. I get the feeling that she’s done something to hurt you, and you’re looking for a friend who you can rely on.” She cocked her head slightly as she regarded her friend closely. “Was it Arianna? The one you trusted and it didn’t turn out well?”

Sam nodded sadly, blinking again. “Yeah,” she answered softly.

“That makes sense, after their shared trauma,” Janet replied with a sigh. She folded her arms over her chest, feeling the pieces click together in her brain. “Did Chase cheat?”

Another nod. “Yes,” was the only audible response before Sam looked away and wrapped her arms around her middle.

Janet let out a slow, calming breath as she struggled to control her anger. Cheating was the one thing for which she had no sympathy, probably due to her experience being on Sam’s side of it before. “How did you find out?” Janet asked, trying to rid herself of memories that had popped up unannounced and unwanted.

“Walked in on it,” Sam answered in a whisper as her gaze was fixed on the table.

“Oh, Sam, I’m sorry,” Janet replied, shaking her head and wishing she could do something to help make Sam feel better. 

Sam nodded. “Yeah, me, too.”

*

Kate had never seen one of her favorite clients look so…lost before. With her shoulders slumped, eyes averted down and elbows on her knees, Chase looked defeated, knocked down, weary. Chase had always seemed so vibrant, confident and full of life before. Now it was like looking at a whole different person.

Usually, Kate waited for Chase to begin the conversation. But it seemed glaringly more and more evident that wasn’t going to happen this session. Sighing, Kate laid her clipboard on the side table and mimicked Chase’s pose that if Chase looked up, they would be on eye level.

“Chase…” Kate began, hesitantly. The last thing she wanted to do was say something that drove Chase further into her shell. “You don’t have to talk with me if you don’t want to…but I’m here to help if you want.”

Finally, Chase looked up, her eyes glassy, possibly with unshed tears. Chase had never cried in Kate’s office before and something told Kate it was probably pride that kept her from doing it now. “I want to,” Chase whispered with a shake of her head and deep breath. “I just…” she dropped her head again and sighed. Kate leaned closer to hear the next part. “There’s so much…where do I start?”

“Wherever you’d like,” Kate answered gently.

She thought she saw Chase brush away a tear, but decided not to mention it or reach for the tissues. Now was not that juncture. Chase looked up, a determined expression sliding onto her features. Kate had seen it before, but it seemed more…resolved this time. “I cheated on Sam,” Chase stated bluntly, blinking a few times, but otherwise watching Kate closely.

Kate struggled not to allow the shock to show so completely on her face in case Chase misinterpreted it as judgment. Chase’s expression had changed again and was now what Kate could only describe as the picture of regret. “Does she know?” Kate decided to ask.

Chase nodded, her gaze dropping again. “She walked in on it.”

“I’m assuming that did not end well,” Kate replied, still trying to decide the best way to respond to Chase’s expression. Right now, it seemed best to just keep her talking.

Shaking her head, Chase leaned back against the couch and sighed. “No. I think our relationship is over.”

“Is that what you want?”

Chase shrugged. “I don’t think it matters what I want.”

“Why not?” Kate asked softly.

“Because it’s not my decision to make. I’m the one who cheated.”

“Maybe. But that’s not what I asked. I’m concerned with what you want because it effects how you’re feeling. I’m getting the impression you didn’t want this to happen.”

Blinking a few times, Chase looked away. “I’m not a cheater. I mean, I guess I am now, but I have never done anything like that before.”

Kate cocked her head to one side. “Why do we have to label it? Why can’t we just say that you made a mistake?”

Chase stared at her for a tense moment before shaking her head. “Labels are stupid,” she muttered, shifting slightly in her seat and folding her arms over her chest.

Kate sensed there was more to this statement than the cheating conversation they were having. “What do you mean?” 

“Labels. People use them all the time. And you’re right. Why do we have to use them?” She sighed deeply, dropped her arms and looked away again. “Especially labels like ‘hero’,” she muttered.

This confused Kate. Of course, she had heard the word used in reference to Chase around the base, but she didn’t know that Chase herself didn’t consider her actions heroic. From what Kate knew of Chase, she was always trying to make a name for herself and making headway for women in the military. So why was she upset about people calling her a hero?

“You don’t consider yourself a hero?” She asked cautiously, aware that her tone and even the question could be enough to send Chase back into her shell.

The question seemed to be difficult for Chase, who almost immediately shook her head and began blinking more furiously than before. “I…I just did my job,” she answered, her voice wavering slightly. 

“From what I hear, you did much more than that,” Kate responded softly. 

Chase shook her head and pulled her knees up to her chest, hugging them tightly. Kate had never seen Chase in such a posture before, but it looked as if she was trying to protect herself from something. What had happened to her on that ship? It was as if she was talking to an entirely different person.

Deciding to change tactics, Kate took a deep breath and asked, “Where are you right now?”

Closing her eyes, Chase breathed in and out slowly for a moment before she replied softly, “Conflicted…trying to stop the memories…terrified that I didn’t save anyone.” The last thought came out in one rushed breath, as if she was trying to get it out before she changed her mind.

“But you did.”

“No, Dr. Kate, I don’t feel like I did,” she answered, finally opening her eyes as tears began to fall. She brushed them away and drew in a deep breath before continuing, “I feel as if I left myself out there.”

“What do you mean?”

Her eyes closed again, but this time, Kate had the distinct impression that Chase was remembering something, most likely vividly. “Did they tell you we died?” she asked simply.

“Yes,” Kate replied simply.

Chase’s eyes slid open, her gaze seeming to burn into Kate. “I’m almost afraid to admit it, but it was actually the best thing that ever happened to me.”

It took a moment for this to sink in, but once it did, Kate became instantly alarmed. “Are you saying that you want to die?” 

Chase shook her head. “No, I’m not suicidal or anything. But I’ve always known it was possible to die in the line of duty. We all hear that, and I accepted it. When it happened to me, I felt as if I had fulfilled my purpose…I think…” she trailed off, but Kate sensed there was more, so she remained silent. She didn’t have to wait long. “I think I was in heaven, actually. I’ve never felt so calm, so loved, so peaceful in all my life.”

Kate nodded and smiled slightly. “I wouldn’t be surprised if you were.”

There seemed to be the shadow of a smile on Chase’s face, but it disappeared almost as quickly as it appeared. “Then it was over,” she stated, her whole demeanor changing with that one sentence. “And the nightmare began.”

“I think…” Kate started, faltering for a moment, struggling for the right words. She tried again, “I think that made things more difficult, but you still succeeded. I think you did more than just your job. I think you went above and beyond.”

Apparently this was not the correct thing to say or perhaps just not the right time to say it. Chase’s eyes narrowed and she replied, shaking her head, “I think I could have done much more.” 

Kate shook her head and responded thoughtfully, “I think you’ve been through a trauma and it’s going to take a while before you can fully process everything that happened.”

This seemed to strike a chord with Chase, who nodded slowly. Then she asked softly, tears beginning to shimmer in her eyes again, “Do you think that I’ll ever get over it?”

“Depends on what you mean by ‘get over it’. Do I think that you will go back to the way things were before? No, but I do believe that you can get through this and find a way to be happy again.”

Chase seemed to think this over for a few moments before dropping her legs one by one and leaning towards Kate. “And how long does that take?” she asked.

“There’s no time frame, Chase. Everyone is different and every trauma is different, so there is no way to predict how long it will take.” 

“I…I can’t return to duty like this,” Chase admitted softly, looking away again. 

Kate shook her head again. “No, but that’s okay. No one expects you to be ready to go back to work right away after something like that.”

“What if…what if I don’t get better? What if I can’t go back?”

“I think you will.” Kate smiled softly and leaned back in her chair. “But you have to believe it as well.”

*

When Chase left Dr. Kate’s office, Arianna nearly jumped out of her chair, apparently surprised to see her. It took Chase a bit to realize why she was there when it hit her that Arianna would have to be evaluated as well in order to return to work with the SGC. So Chase put on a smile and pretended everything was fine, ignoring the churning emotions within.

“Chase!” Arianna said with a grin as she shook her head. “I didn’t know you were seeing Dr. Heightmeyer today, too.”

Chase shrugged. “I do what I’m told,” she joked. “Good luck, Arianna,” she said with sincerity.

Arianna nodded. “Oh, by the way,” she said suddenly, as if she had just remembered, “You left your cell phone at my apartment. Chloe called this morning and didn’t sound very happy when I answered.”

Rolling her eyes and biting back a groan, Chase replied, “Thanks, I’ll call her as soon as I can.”

*

“Chase?” Damn, was that woman waiting by the phone and answering every ring with her name?

“Yes, Chloe, it’s me.”

“Where have you been?”

Anger flared up within her as she leaned back in her desk chair and fought the urge to lose her temper while still on base. She knew it was a bad idea to call from her office phone, but making Chloe wait longer would have probably been worse. Were they back to this again? Apparently.

“Not that it is any of your business, but I had a counseling session this morning.”

There was a pause at that and Chase belatedly was grateful that she had remembered to shut the door to her office. Not that it would have stopped her from saying what she had, but it could have been a little softer, she realized after the fact.

“Oh, I see,” came Chloe’s somewhat muted reply. “Who was that who answered your phone this morning?”

“That was Arianna. She just told me you called.”

“Who is Arianna?”

Chase was beginning to wish she had waited to make this phone call until after she had left the base. Chloe’s temper be damned. “She’s a friend.”

“Just a friend?”

“Oh good god, Chloe!” Chase snapped, taking a few deep breaths to calm herself and pinched the bridge of her nose before she went on. That’s right, she remembered, the next session with Dr. Kate, she had to bring up her temper. Or, probably more accurately, how Chloe could make her temper flare. “Please stop treating me like we’re a couple. And yes, Arianna is just a friend. She’s the friend who was with me…who was held prisoner with me.”

For a few almost deafening moments of silence Chase thought that Chloe had hung up on her. Her shame at losing her temper and reacting so harshly began to rise in her chest. An apology was on the tip of her tongue when Chloe beat her to it.

“I’m sorry,” Chloe said softly. “I just…never mind. I won’t bother you again.”

Chase groaned. She could just imagine Chloe hanging up the phone and not taking any more of her phone calls. Then what would happen with Tracy? Swallowing her pride, Chase replied, “No, I’m the one who’s sorry, Chloe. After what happened yesterday, I can’t blame you for being confused. I shouldn’t have yelled.”

“That’s all right,” Chloe answered, pretty quickly in Chase’s opinion. “Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight? I can cook your favorite, Shrimp Scampi Primavera.” 

Her mouth watered at the thought, proof that she still had an appetite if nothing else, and she nodded even though Chloe could not see it. “That sounds wonderful, and I do want to see Tracy.”

“Why don’t you come around 7 then?”

“I’ll see you then.”


	5. Chapter 5

“You’re early,” Chloe stated with apparent surprise when she opened the door. Chase chuckled to herself. This probably was the first time since they had broken up that she hadn’t sat in her car, dreading the interaction to come. But then again, why hadn’t she?

She shook her head, clearing it of these thoughts and held up the wine she had brought. “Let’s just say I’m turning over a new leaf?” she said with a smile. She honestly didn’t know for sure where the wine had come from, but when she had found it in one of her cabinets she had her suspicions. The idea that she was giving Chloe something that Sam had bought for her wasn’t a nice one, but at the same time, she felt like she shouldn’t show up empty handed. And she didn’t need alcohol in her apartment, either.

Chloe cocked an eyebrow at the proffered bottle, probably thinking the same thing Chase was about alcohol. “Wine?” she asked as she took it, looking a little wary.

Chase smiled and nodded. “Yeah, I thought I should bring something…doesn’t mean I’m going to have any.”

Laughing, Chloe nodded and stepped aside. “Probably for the best. Want to come inside?”

“Thank you,” Chase replied, walking past her ex and up the stairs into the living room. She shed her coat and handed it to Chloe, who seemed to be waiting for it. She glanced around as Chloe put her coat in the hall closet. “Where’s Tracy?” she asked, having that sinking feeling in her stomach when she noticed their daughter wasn’t readily present.

Chloe sighed and crossed her arms over her chest, glancing down the hall that led to the bedrooms. Chase couldn’t figure out if her ex was annoyed or just exhausted. “She said she’s not coming out,” Chloe offered as an explanation.

Chase gaped at the thought. “Why not?” she asked, looking towards Tracy’s room before following Chloe into the kitchen and sitting down at the table.

Shrugging, Chloe went to the stove and opened a pot, stirring its contents. “Beats me. I told her you were coming, and she said she didn’t want to see you.” She glanced back at Chase. “Shocked the hell out of me, honestly.”

“I see,” Chase replied, her thoughts on a conversation she had recently had with Dr. Kate about how Tracy might react strangely to having Chase back in her life. Defense mechanisms, Dr. Kate had said, are strange things, especially in teenagers. Still, Chase felt her heart constricting at the thought of Tracy not wanting to see her.

Chloe replaced the lid on the pot and moved to sit next to Chase at the table, placing a soft hand on Chase’s arm. “It’s probably nothing. By the end of the evening, I’m sure she’ll change her mind.”

Chase glanced back towards Tracy’s room again. “Do you think I should try…?” she trailed off, figuring she didn’t need to ask if she should try to knock on Tracy’s door and ask her to come out. She could answer that herself.

“Nah,” Chloe replied, getting up this time to check on something in the oven. Apparently she understood what Chase had been trying to say. That was kind of freaky, considering they never communicated so well before. Still, when it came to Tracy, Chloe was pretty knowledgeable. 

“It smells really good,” Chase complimented, deftly changing the subject. Maybe it would help if she didn’t think about Tracy for a while.

The smile that lit Chloe’s face was one that Chase hadn’t seen in years. It brightened every crevice and dimple, and for a few brief moments, Chase was glad to be the cause of it. Then she remembered she wasn’t supposed to be encouraging Chloe and squashed the feeling back down. “Why, thank you.” She winked in Chase’s direction. “I know how much you love shrimp.”

Chase could actually feel her mouth start to water at the thought and the smell. That was good, right? That she actually had an appetite again? She managed to return the smile. “Well, thank you for the effort,” she replied honestly.

She watched as Chloe put the wine on top of the refrigerator, maybe for later, and then turned to Chase. “Want something to drink while we’re waiting? We have iced tea, cola, ginger ale, and water.”

“Iced tea sounds great,” Chase replied, watching as Chloe fixed them both glasses of the cold liquid. 

Handing Chase one, Chloe gestured to the living room with her glass. “Want to sit somewhere more comfortable while the food cooks? It’s going to be a little while longer.”

Hesitating just a moment, Chase finally nodded and stood to follow Chloe back into the living room. Surprising Chase slightly, Chloe chose to sit in the recliner, where there was just room for one, leaving the couch to Chase. Maybe she didn’t want to crowd Chase, opting to be polite and friendly rather than her usual clingy self, Chase thought. Whatever the reason, Chase was glad for it.

“So, when do you think you’ll return to work?” Chloe asked after a moment or two of silence. She sipped her tea innocently as though she had no idea the emotional impact that one question had on Chase – and she probably didn’t.

Chase shrugged and glanced toward the window as she answered. “Well, that’s up to my psychologist. She has to clear me before I can go back.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Chase thought Chloe looked surprised, but she quickly recovered. “Oh,” Chloe replied, obviously trying to appear nonchalant, but failing miserably. “Any idea when that will be?” she asked, taking another sip of her beverage.

“Soon, I hope, but there’s no guarantee,” Chase replied, really not wanting to discuss this with Chloe, and she hoped her ex took the hint.

Chloe’s eyes narrowed, and she appeared to be studying Chase closely. Finally, she nodded and looked down at the drink in her hand. “I see. So how’s…um…” she was struggling for a name, that much was obvious to Chase. She only hoped that the next thing that came out of Chloe’s mouth wasn’t Sam. “Arianna?” Chloe finished, looking pleased with herself that she had remembered the name from that morning.

Chase fought back a laugh at the situation. Here they were making what should have been small talk, and Chloe managed to find serious, gut-wrenching questions. But still, it was good that she hadn’t asked about Sam – yet. “Arianna’s fine,” Chase replied, sipping her iced tea and glancing around the room. Anything to distract her, but it hadn’t changed since the last time she’d visited. “She and her boyfriend seem to be doing great,” she said, wondering why she kept babbling. Maybe it was so that they didn’t stumble upon the topic of Sam.

Just then, they heard a noise from down the hall. A door opening, Chase realized, and then there were quick footfalls on the carpet as someone was walking – or running – towards them. Tracy was joining them and quickly, by the sound of it, Chase figured out just as the girl flung herself into her arms. Chase held her daughter tightly and stroked her soft hair. “Hey, baby,” she whispered as she closed her eyes and reveled in the embrace.

“Hey,” Tracy barely squeaked through her tears. Chase looked up at a sound of the Chloe getting up out of the recliner. Chloe motioned for Chase to stay put as she made her way back to the kitchen. Checking on dinner, Chase realized as she held Tracy closer, rocking her back and forth.

After what seemed like only a few breathless moments to Chase, Tracy calmed down and laid her head on Chase’s lap. Chase ran her fingers through Tracy’s soft hair as the girl’s breathing slowly returned to normal. “You’re here,” Tracy whispered, but it took Chase a little while to figure out what the girl had said.

When she finally understood, Chase smiled sadly and nodded. “I’m here, Trace.”

“They said you were dead,” Tracy replied, her grip tightening on Chase’s legs.

“They were wrong,” Chase replied lovingly but firmly. Oh, how she wished that were true, but it was the closest to truth she could ever tell her daughter. There was no way she could possibly tell Tracy that she had died and had been brought back to life. So, for now, she could pretend it had never happened.

Taking a deep breath, Tracy turned over and gazed up at Chase, her dark eyes shimmering with tears. “Spencer said you were being held as a prisoner of war, that you couldn’t let us know you were still alive.”

Chase nodded. “That’s true.”

“But you escaped, didn’t you?” Tracy asked, the ghost of a smile on her face.

“Yes, I did,” Chase replied with a small smile as she brushed some hair away from Tracy’s face. “As long as I’m still breathing, I will fight to get back to you.”

That might have been the wrong choice of words, Chase thought as Tracy’s expression changed, seeming to darken. “What if one day you don’t come back?” Tracy asked, and it appeared to hurt her to even think of it.

It hurt Chase, too. She held Tracy tightly to her and sucked in a deep breath. “I know it’s hard, Trace, but that might happen.” She pulled away slightly and tried to meet Tracy’s gaze. Tracy refused to look at her. “Hey, we’ve talked about this before. I thought we decided we’d rather have whatever time is given us than worry about what might happen.”

Tracy finally made eye contact, her own eyes still watery. “But it almost happened,” she whispered. “It did happen. I lost you,” she added softly, looking away again.

Chase smoothed Tracy’s hair and cupped her cheek in her hand. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” She sighed and dropped her hand. “You know that I do everything in my power to come home to you, right?” Tracy nodded, but otherwise remained quiet. “So as long as it is up to me, I will be here. Everything else is in God’s hands.”

“I know,” Tracy replied quietly, turning back over and hugging Chase’s knees again. “I just wish you didn’t have to go again.”

“I know, baby, I know,” Chase replied, running her fingers through Tracy’s hair again and feeling uncertainty about the future begin to creep into her soul.

*

Tracy had been even more reluctant to go to bed that night, and it took Chase lying down with her until she fell asleep to appease her. A little groggy, Chase had quietly and slowly crept out of the room, very gently closing the door behind her. Then she walked into the living room where Chloe was waiting with a hot cup of coffee for her, which Chase accepted immediately, and sank down onto the sofa beside her ex.

“She asleep?” Chloe asked quietly as she leaned back onto the cushions and seemed to watch Chase for a response.

Chase nodded and took a long drink of the coffee. It was black, just how she liked it. There were so many things that Chloe knew about her that would make it just so easy to fall back into a relationship with her. Then Chase remembered all the reasons she had broken up with Chloe in the first place. She took a moment to study Chloe and ask herself if the woman had really changed or was she just being so nice – cooking her dinner, making her coffee, being so accommodating – because she thought she still had a chance with Chase? Probably the latter, and Chase hadn’t made it clear that wasn’t going to happen – at least not after the incident the night before.

Chase watched as Chloe put her mug down on the coffee table. “Look, Chloe,” Chase started, determined to get this conversation finished and out of the way, despite how exhausted she felt. 

Chloe interrupted her – with her lips planting themselves firmly on Chase’s. Groaning, Chase placed her free hand on Chloe’s shoulders and gently pushed her ex away. For her part, Chloe did look apologetic. “I’m sorry, I just…it was a moment, you know? You had just put Tracy to bed, and I…I don’t know, I felt like maybe this could be it.”

Shaking her head and placing her mug down on the coffee table – thank God she hadn’t spilled that – Chase took a deep breath. “It’s okay,” she managed to say, then held up her hand in case Chloe tried kissing her again. “I mean, I forgive you,” she clarified. Chloe looked confused. “After what happened last night, I know I gave you hope that you and I might get back together.”

Chloe nodded, reaching for her coffee again. She probably sensed this was going to be a serious conversation and kissing was no longer in the cards. “And now you’re telling me it’s not going to happen.”

Chase nodded, running her hands over her face. She didn’t want to hurt Chloe again, but this had to be said. It would be better for Chloe in the long run if Chase was open and honest right now. She took another deep breath and answered slowly, “I’m sorry, Chloe, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that even though you still love me, I don’t love you in the same way anymore.”

Sighing, Chloe nodded and looked forlorn. “I was afraid of that,” she whispered, blinking a few times, probably to ward off tears.

“You’re a great mother and person, and I know you can be a great friend,” Chase said, smiling a little, trying to get Chloe to smile again, too. 

The smile that stretched on Chloe’s face seemed fake and plastic. “Thanks, Chase, but that isn’t the same.”

Chase sighed. “I know, and again, I’m sorry for leading you on.”

Chloe waved a hand in Chase’s direction, as if she was tired of Chase saying she was sorry. In fact, if Chase recalled correctly, Chloe had told her not to say it in the first place. “So what now? We go back to the way things were? You and Sam work things out and leave me out in the cold?”

“It’s not like that,” Chase replied, reaching over to place a comforting hand on Chloe’s arm.

Moving out of reach, Chloe shook her head and wouldn’t meet Chase’s gaze. “I think you should leave,” she said softly, blinking again.

Chase nodded and stood, looking down at her ex. Her heart broke at the apparent expression of hurt and hopelessness on Chloe’s face. “Chloe, I…”

“Just go,” Chloe interrupted, fixing Chase with a cold glare.

Retrieving her coat, Chase took one more look down the hall at Tracy’s closed door, took a deep breath, and walked out the door.

*

Her cell phone started ringing just as she shut the door. Glancing at the readout and praying it wasn’t Chloe, Chase read “Arianna Simons” as the ID. Panic momentarily rose in her chest as she flipped open the phone and pressed it to her ear. “Arianna?” she asked in a rush, “Are you all right?”

There was a brief pause, after which Arianna’s voice filled her ear, although she sounded far away, “Yeah, I’m fine. I tried your apartment, but your answering machine picked up. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Chase breathed easier and shook her head, almost laughing at herself. Well, she didn’t get that many calls on her cell because she let people know when she gave them the number it was only for emergencies. “I’m fine. I’m just leaving Chloe’s place.”

“Why in God’s name would you go there?” Arianna asked and Chase had to admit it was a fair question, considering what had just happened the night before and Chloe’s actions tonight.

But it had a fairly simple answer. “To see Tracy,” she responded, starting her car. It was getting chilly, and she wanted to turn on the heat, even if she was just going to sit in the driveway and carry on a conversation. She could only imagine what that looked like to Chloe.

“Ah,” Arianna replied, as if that was the answer to the universe. And in Chase’s universe, it was. 

Chase smiled as she fiddled with the temperature controls. “Was that it?” she asked, knowing that she sounded impatient. Right now, all she wanted to do was go home and fall into bed.

“Well, no,” Arianna answered, sounding nervous all of a sudden. “I, uh, I wanted to let you know that Daniel…well, Daniel and I…” she was starting and stopping again, a clear sign that the nervousness Chase detected in her tone was real.

“Spit it out, Arianna. I want to go home, and I don’t like driving and holding a phone at the same time,” Chase told her friend, although she did feel slightly sorry for her as well.

There was a small sigh on the other end of the line and Chase could have sworn she heard a man’s voice in the background – probably Daniel – telling her to hurry up. “Daniel and I got engaged!” Arianna blurted out quickly.

“Engaged…like to be married?” Chase asked, thinking it was the most absurd thing ever. Arianna was not in a place where she should be making such life-altering decisions, but Chase guessed it was her life to do with as she pleased. Chase certainly wouldn’t be the one to ruin Arianna’s good mood.

“Yes!” Arianna replied, a little too cheerful for Chase’s tastes.

Still, Chase called the woman a friend and couldn’t say Arianna hadn’t been there for her, especially in the last few days. So, instead of saying how she really felt, Chase replied, “That’s great, Arianna. I hope you two are very happy together.” She couldn’t muster the strength to fake excitement, but she hoped the sentiment was enough.

There was another pause, then Arianna asked, in what seemed very timid tones, “I know you and Sam aren’t on the best of terms and this news probably just serves to remind you of that…but I thought you’d want to know.”

Chase rubbed the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger and wished for the end of the conversation. She reminded herself that she did learn during their time as prisoners together that Arianna was much more sensitive than she let on. “I do want to know, and I am happy for you. I just…can’t be excited right now.”

This seemed to cheer Arianna a little. “Well, all right,” she said in brighter tones. “There’s going to a party tomorrow afternoon…Colonel O’Neill’s idea. It’ll be at his house, and we really want you to be there.” She paused and Chase considered it. Before she could answer, though, Arianna went on, “But I understand if you don’t want to see Sam again so soon.”

A momentarily burst of anger flared within Chase. She did not want her friends to tiptoe around her or think that she couldn’t be in the same place as Sam. They were both grown-ups, for crying out loud. They would be fine. “I’m not going to avoid going somewhere just because Sam will be there, Arianna.”

“Oh, okay, I just wanted to let you know you have the option.”

Chase sighed. “I’ll be there.”

“Okay, well, Janet’s bringing Cassie, so if you want to bring Tracy, she’s more than welcome.”

“I’ll ask Chloe,” Chase replied, glancing back at the house. It was dark now. Chase wondered if that meant Chloe had gone to bed or she was just sitting inside without any lights. 

“Great!” Arianna cried in Chase’s ear, and Chase moved the phone away, glaring at it. 

“Goodnight, Arianna,” Chase replied, shutting the phone and effectively ending the conversation.

*

Chloe stood in the open door of Tracy’s room with the cordless phone to her ear. Tracy assumed it was Chase on the other end, but she kept drawing, waiting to see if her mother would address her or just keep staring. Finally, after several “mm-hmms” and “yeahs”, her mom put her hand over the bottom part of the phone and called Tracy’s name.

Tracy looked up and made eye contact. “Yeah?” she asked, wondering why her mother had felt it necessary to lean against her doorframe while talking on the phone. In fact, she had noticed several other times when Chloe had been staring at her strangely, but Tracy didn’t think her mom knew she had noticed.

“Chase is inviting you to a party this afternoon. She said Cassie will be there. Do you want to go?” Chloe asked.

Shrugging, Tracy turned her attention back to her drawing. “Sure,” she responded, feigning disinterest. The truth was, she felt a little giddy at the thought of seeing her best friend and being invited by her second mom to a party. For some reason, she just didn’t want her mom to see that. Maybe it was because her mom had been so sad recently, Tracy just didn’t want her to see that her daughter was all too happy to leave her.

Chloe uncovered the phone and put it back to her ear. “She said yes. What time do you want her ready by?” She listened for a bit, then said, “I’ll make sure she’s ready. You’ll have her to school by eight?”

Oh, Tracy thought, they don’t bother asking if I want to spend the night? She sighed and moved so that her back was facing her mother as she leaned over her picture even more. Not that she minded spending the night at Chase’s. She just wished the adults would ask what she wanted.

She heard her mother hang up the phone behind her, and silence filled the air for a few moments that seemed to last forever. Then Tracy heard a deep sigh and soft foot falls as her mother vacated the doorway, most likely headed back to her own room. That was how they had spent the last few weeks, barely talking, and each staying to their own corner of the house. Tracy wondered how normal that was, then she would recall that they were not a “normal” family at all, and never had been. 

Still, she worried about her mom, now more than ever. She had become more and more distant since they received the news of Chase’s death. Tracy had thought things would get better now that Chase was back and, for a brief moment, that had been true. For one day, her mom had seemed happy and excited. But after Chase’s visit the night before, Tracy’s mother was more distant and sad than ever.

*

Chase felt a twinge of anxiety as she and Tracy walked up to Colonel O’Neill’s house, her arm around Tracy’s shoulders. Her heart began to beat a little faster, and her breath came in shorter bursts, as if her brain was trying to tell her not to attend this certain party. However, she had learned not to listen when anxiety flared its ugly head; as a soldier, she had no time for such concerns, and in her personal life, she preferred to do what she felt was right, even if her feelings told her to run.

The door was ajar so they walked inside and were greeted by a very enthusiastic Arianna. A little too enthusiastic for Chase’s tastes, but she kept her thoughts to herself and smiled anyway. Arianna embraced her tightly and fussed over Tracy, whom she had never officially met. Then Tracy saw Cassie and begged to join her friend, which of course Chase was glad to let her do.

Arianna linked arms with Chase and practically dragged her into the kitchen, where Daniel, Teal’c, and Colonel O’Neill all seemed to be hiding. They all let out various forms of greeting, a nod of the head from Teal’c, a hey from Daniel, and a raised beer bottle from the colonel, who made his way over to Chase and Arianna with a smile.

Disentangling herself from Chase, Arianna grabbed Daniel’s arm, kissed his cheek, and proceeded to drag him out of the kitchen. Teal’c raised an eyebrow at the scene and Colonel O’Neill chuckled. “I’m sure we’ll see plenty of that in the future,” he remarked to Chase, motioning with his beer in the direction from which Arianna and Daniel had disappeared.

Chase smiled and nodded. “Oh, definitely,” she replied, glancing around the room. It was a fairly small kitchen, but she assumed that he didn’t do much cooking. It had a tall island counter that separated it from the living room, giving some illusion of privacy for the three of them who stood in the small space, although they could still see the party in full swing just a room away.

O’Neill turned back to Chase and motioned with his beer. “Want one?” he asked.

She shook her head and replied, “No, thank you. I had…a little too much a few nights ago, and I don’t feel ready to drink one again so soon.”

His eyebrows rose in what appeared to be disbelief. She had to admit drinking too much was out of character for her. “I see,” he replied slowly as he brought the beer to his lips and took a sip. “Well, we’ve got more than beer. There’s wine, martinis, lemonade, water…some sort of soda…” he trailed off, looking expectantly at his guest.

“Water sounds good right about now,” she replied, smiling a little, and hoping she didn’t sound stuck-up or anything. “Thank you, sir,” she added.

He shook his head as he reached into the refrigerator. “You’re at my house, Marks. Call me Jack, if only for today,” he said, winking as he tossed her a bottle of cold water.

She caught it and shook her own head in reply. “That may take some getting used to,” she replied. “But if I’m supposed to call you Jack, then you at least have to return the favor.”

O’Neill chuckled and nodded. “Chase it is, then.”

Chase nodded and sipped her water, her eyes roaming the living room. She didn’t see Sam anywhere, she realized, and wondered if the woman she was longing – and dreading – to see hadn’t made it yet. She didn’t even notice when O’Neill – Jack – came to stand beside her.

“I think you might like the deck out back,” he murmured, catching her a little off-guard, but she recovered quickly. She glanced back at him, wondering why he might say something like that. He met her gaze steadily, but his expression gave nothing away. He nodded towards a large French door that presumably led to the deck he had mentioned. “Why don’t you go check it out?”

She thought he was acting a bit odd, but decided to do as he suggested anyway. If nothing else, her curiosity was peaking at his strange request, and she was intrigued as to what he might have up his sleeve. So she slipped by the other guests and quietly exited onto a small portion of a raised deck behind his house, with steps leading down to the other part of it.

Instantly, she was aware that she was not alone. A few feet from her, down the steps and near a small wooden table with large chairs, there was a woman leaning against the railing that came to just about over her knees. Her back was to Chase as she seemed to be gazing out at the large yard. The woman had cropped blonde hair close to her head, and she was wearing a jean jacket with a matching jean skirt down her to knees. Chase couldn’t help but wonder why Colonel O’Neill had told her to come out here.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Chase said, trying to find the door handle behind her, but fumbling in her nervousness. “I didn’t know anyone else was out here,” she added, fully intending to retreat back into the house when the other woman turned. 

Chase’s breath caught in her throat as she realized that the woman was actually Sam, who had apparently recently cut off very nearly all of her hair. It hadn’t occurred to Chase earlier, but Sam’s hair had gotten rather long since Chase had been away. Still, Chase had never seen Sam’s hair this short before, and for some reason, she couldn’t seem to tear her gaze away. Sam was stunning with her hair this way, and Chase felt herself being drawn to Sam in a way not unlike when they had first met.

“Wow,” Chase sputtered, all at once grateful that Colonel O’Neill had given her a water bottle instead of a glass because she was sure her shaky hands would have spilled anything from a glass by now. What was the matter with her?

Sam took a breath and went to tuck hair behind her ear before she apparently realized there wasn’t any hair to tuck anymore. She shoved her hand into her pocket instead and looked like she’d rather be anywhere else. “Chase,” she stated and although it sounded like a greeting, it still appeared as if she didn’t want to talk at all.

“Sam,” Chase replied, taking a chance and descending the few stairs to the main level of the deck. “Your hair…well, it looks great.”

Shrugging, Sam went to fuss with it again before sighing and shaking her head. “I’m still getting used to it,” she said. 

Chase realized that Sam was staring at her, but her expression was a mystery. This made Chase a little uncomfortable, so she broke eye contact first, choosing instead to look at the deck at her feet. Still, she decided to take a chance. “So, I…uh, I was wondering if we could talk,” Chase finally got out, lifting her head slightly to see Sam’s reaction.

“What is there to talk about?” Sam asked, her eyes narrowing and her expression darkening with what was probably anger or annoyance.

“Well…us,” Chase replied, taking a step closer.

Sam shook her head. “There isn’t an ‘us’ anymore, Chase.”

If there really was a thing as blood running cold, Chase thought she knew what it felt like in that moment. Her mind raced, her heart beat faster, and she could feel the tears beginning to well up in her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she asked softly, “So that’s it? You don’t even want to hear what I have to say?”

“There is nothing to say, Chase! I don’t think I could ever forget what you did, and I certainly don’t want to forgive you.”

“You really want to let one mistake ruin what we had? After all we’ve been through, you’re willing to just throw it away, just like that?”

Chase could tell she had said the wrong thing as soon as it was out of her mouth just from the look that Sam shot her way. “Cheating isn’t a mistake,” Sam practically hissed. “Cheating is a deliberate decision, and I won’t be with someone who makes those kinds of decisions.”

“People make bad decisions all the time!” Chase responded as Sam attempted to brush by her, presumably on her way to the door.

Sam’s hand had found the door handle, but it wasn’t turning. She turned slightly to look at Chase and shook her head. “Not like this, Chase. Not like this.” And with those parting remarks, she disappeared into the house.

Chase sank down onto the steps, throwing the water bottle in her hands across the deck in her anger. Mostly anger at herself, but there was some at Sam as well for not even trying to save their relationship. How did they get here? Could it really be over?

“What did the water ever do to you?” she heard a familiar voice ask from behind her.

She froze, recognizing Colonel O’Neill’s voice anywhere. Great, now she really would have to work on her anger with Dr. Kate if she ever wanted to go back to active duty. Could this day get any worse?

He sat down next to her, his eyebrows lifted as he apparently waited for a response. She shrugged. “It was in my hand,” she finally replied, hugging her knees close to her and setting her chin on them, her gaze on the empty table and chairs.

He nodded and took a sip of beer. They sat in silence for a few moments before Chase turned to look at him and asked, “How long have you known?” She figured that if he had known she was looking for Sam without her saying a word, it wasn’t much of a stretch to assume he knew about their relationship.

He took a sip of beer and shrugged, looking as innocent as Tracy did when she tried to hide something she’d done. Although, he did pull it off with a bit more nonchalance, Chase had to admit. “Known what?” he asked.

She rolled her eyes and leaned forward. “About me and Sam,” she replied, fixing him with a glare. 

“Oh,” O’Neill replied with what Chase was sure was a small smirk of recognition, “That.” He shrugged again. “I had my suspicions on that planet…” he lifted an eyebrow in her direction, and she nodded for him to continue. There was no need for him to explain which planet. “I finally asked Janet, and she confirmed.”

Chase sighed and leaned back again, running her hands over her face. “It was that obvious?” she groaned.

This time he really did smile. “Only to someone who knows you like I do,” he replied before taking another sip. “You were so distracted, and I’m sorry to say, I didn’t buy it when you told me you were just tired.” He leaned forward and added in a whisper, “Unless, of course, you were tired for other reasons…” He added a wink at the end of that statement and let the implication hang in the air for a moment.

She hoped her cheeks weren’t as red as they felt. Taking a deep, calming breath and letting it out slowly, Chase closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger. She would have preferred to be alone right now. Still, she knew he meant well, and his teasing plus the fact that he had known the entire time meant that he wasn’t going to share their secret with the Air Force. That was at least some relief.

Finally, she opened her eyes to see him still watching her closely. She thought that maybe he regretted adding that last part. Sighing, she shook her head and attempted a small smile. “I’m a professional, Colonel,” she commented dryly, “The only impropriety on that mission was a result of being drugged by the natives.”

He nodded. “I figured, Chase…” He tipped his beer bottle in her direction. “And I thought I told you to call me Jack.”

It was her turn to shrug. “We were talking about work. Force of habit.”

He chuckled and shook his head back and forth. “That’s what I like about you, Marks. You never back down.”

Chase actually grinned at that. It had been so long her facial muscles actually seemed to protest, but she held it anyway. It felt strange, but good at the same time. “Thank you, sir,” she responded, and genuinely meant it.

He just smiled. “So can I ask you something?”

She nodded. “Sure.”

“What happened? With you and Carter, I mean. It didn’t look like the two of you had a pleasant conversation just now.”

Chase drew in a deep breath and glanced back through the window at the woman about whom they were talking. What could she tell this man, the very one she held in such high esteem, the one who had given her the best job she could have ever imagined? That she had messed up the best thing in her life? Would the truth disappoint or disgust him? Would this relationship built on mutual respect and trust crumble? She sighed and turned so that she was facing him again.

It was always better to tell the truth, a voice that sounded strangely like her father’s rang through her head. She took the plunge. “Remember I told you that I had a little too much to drink the other night?”

“Uh-huh,” Jack replied, bringing the bottle to his lips and taking a sip, all the while not breaking eye contact.

“Well,” she continued, searching his eyes for any clue to his thoughts. There was nothing she could detect, but she went on anyway, “I made a pretty big mistake as a result and Sam walked in on it.”

His eyebrows rose in what looked like surprise. “You cheated on Carter?” he asked quietly, bottle seemingly forgotten in his lap.

She lowered her gaze to her knees and swallowed hard. “Yes, sir,” she replied softly, feeling her heart thumping harder than usual. She waited for the rebuke she now thought was sure to follow.

Instead, she heard a soft whistle and raised her eyes up again to see Colonel O’Neill shaking his head as he gazed at her in what seemed like a thoughtful way. “You apologized, right?”

She nodded. 

He shrugged and raised the bottle back to his lips. “Then it’s over, right?” he said before tilting it back and taking a sip.

Regarding him closely, she shook her head back and forth slowly. “Not really.”

O’Neill, or Jack rather, she was getting confused with the name game in her head, snorted. “Women,” he huffed, looking at her in what she thought was a disapproving matter. “Everything’s so damn complicated to you.”

“And what, you think it’s simple?” she asked, folding her arms across her chest.

He nodded. “Hell, yes,” he replied. “You two are good together, right?”

“I think so,” Chase replied, glancing into the large window behind him and her gaze finding Sam out of habit. Once again she was struck at Sam’s beauty before she turned back to face O’Neill again.

Shrugging, he leaned back, “Then why is it complicated?”

“Because I hurt her, and that won’t go away simply because I want it to,” Chase replied, starting to become irritated with this conversation. If it were simple, wouldn’t she have fixed it by now?

He shrugged again. He stood up, looked down at her, and commanded her full attention in a way she wasn’t expecting. “The way I see it, relationships are there so that you can rely on each other.” He shook his head and smirked a little. “Look, you know I don’t usually get involved, but I like you, Marks. I think you’re good for Carter.” 

Chase blinked a few times, not sure she had actually heard what she thought she had come out of O’Neill’s mouth. She shook her head. “Say that again?”

Smiling, he picked up his beer and shook his head. “You heard me,” he said as he stood. “Just think about, will ya?” He leaned down and patted her shoulder. Then, without waiting for an answer, he was gone, back inside the house and shutting the door behind him.

She sat there in stunned silence for a moment before she turned to the window and watched the party proceed without her, just as everything else had gone on while she was gone. How was she supposed to feel about what Colonel O’Neill had just told her? Did it even matter what she thought when Sam was refusing to even talk with her?

The questions swirled around her head so fast that as soon as one registered, another appeared. She sighed and turned away, looking out toward the yard. These were questions she would put off answering to another day. Any moment now, it was likely that Arianna would be looking for her to join the party. For right now, Chase would just be happy for her friend. That’s all she could do when her own life was starting to unravel at the touch.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Trigger warning. This is the chapter with the suicide attempt.

They had been standing quietly in O’Neill’s driveway for a few awkward moments, Chase realized as she stared down at her daughter, who for her part, looked rather embarrassed and contrite.

“I’m sorry,” Tracy whined softly, looking up at Chase with big, brown eyes that she had never been able to refuse. 

Sighing, Chase nodded and replied with a gruff, “Fine,” as she started walking towards the car. Tracy followed close behind, no doubt feeling badly that it was her fault they had to return to Chloe’s house before going back to Chase’s apartment. At the moment, Chase was trying very hard to remember that it was unlikely Tracy left her backpack at home on purpose, but the thought of having to see Chloe again so soon was an unpleasant one as Chase unlocked the car doors.

The entire ride was uncomfortable. She knew her silence and the fact that Tracy probably could tell Chase was unhappy most likely made the girl even more nervous. Still, Chase couldn’t bring herself to talk or even look over at her passenger. The longer they went without talking or acknowledging the other’s presence, the more uneasy Chase became. When they finally arrived, Chase turned the car off and, without tearing her gaze from the house, finally addressed her daughter. 

“Okay, here’s the deal. To save on time, you are going to go straight to your room and get your bag. I’ll tell your mom why we’re back.” She finally turned to look at Tracy. “Got it?” she asked. Tracy nodded, looking as if she would follow the instructions to the letter. “Good.”

They got out of the car and approached the house. Chase couldn’t help but notice the feeling of dread that seemed to hang over her like a smothering blanket. She looked up at the house again, which seemed extremely dark for someone being at home. Ringing the doorbell, she waited for a response. When a few long moments passed, she pressed it again. Still nothing. Tracy looked up at her, and the look in her eyes made Chase sense that her daughter was probably feeling the same anxiety about this strange situation as she was.

Finally, Chase tried the door. It opened easily, creaking slightly, making the whole scenario that much creepier. There didn’t appear to be any lights on at all in the house, so she flipped the light switch next to the door. Soft light illuminated the stairs and the living room. No Chloe. 

“Chloe?” Chase called, looking around before shutting the door behind them. There was no answer. She wondered if her ex had gone out, but her car was in the driveway, so Chase found that unlikely. Chloe usually wasn’t the walking or running type. Besides, why would she leave the door unlocked if she went out?

Chase laid a soft hand on Tracy’s shoulder and felt the girl startle momentarily before glancing up at her. “Go get your bag,” Chase instructed, nodding in the direction of Tracy’s room. “I’ll find your mom.”

Tracy nodded and headed up the stairs with Chase close behind her. They both walked down the hall, but Tracy turned left into her room where Chase turned right into Chloe’s. There was a strip of light under the master bath’s door, which explained where Chloe was and why she hadn’t answered Chase’s call. Chase breathed a sigh of relief. There was a simple explanation after all.

She moved to the door and knocked. “Chloe?” No response. “Chloe, it’s Chase,” she called through the door. “We just came back to get Tracy’s book bag.” There was still no response. “Chloe?” Chase tried again, panic fluttering in her chest.

Trying this doorknob, Chase found it to be unlocked as well, and she slowly opened the door, giving Chloe every opportunity to tell her to stop. “Chloe, are you in here?” she asked, rounding the door and finally being able to see inside.

What she saw made her stop cold for a few seconds. Chloe was in the bathtub, but the water was a murky reddish color. Her eyes were closed, and her head seemed to loll against the wall. Chase scanned Chloe’s body to see from where the blood was coming and sucked in a deep breath when she noticed a deep gash on Chloe’s right wrist, just above the water.

“Fuck,” she whispered and kicked herself into full gear. She quickly pulled her ex from the water, which she barely noticed was still hot – maybe a good sign, if it meant it hadn’t been that long since Chloe had been in it – and grabbed a towel. Crumpling onto the floor next to the tub, Chase supported Chloe’s head on one arm and with her free hand, pressed the towel to Chloe’s exposed wrist. She glanced at the left one, but apparently Chloe had left it alone.

While Chase was concentrating on stopping the bleeding, she almost missed the soft whisper by her ear. “Chase,” Chloe breathed, and Chase’s gaze whipped to her ex’s face. Chloe’s eyes fluttered open and seemed to focus on Chase’s face for a moment before closing again. “You came,” she stated, as if in awe of Chase’s timing.

“Oh, Chloe,” Chase responded softly, blinking back tears, “What have you done?”

Just then, there was a sound behind her and Chase jerked her head around to see what it was. “Mom?” Tracy seemed to squeak as she dropped her book bag onto the tile floor, her face a painting of horror. The adrenaline coursed through Chase’s veins as she clutched tighter to the towel around Chloe’s wrist.

“Call 911!” she yelled at Tracy, who blinked a few times before she nodded and ran from the room. Chase could hear her muffled voice after a few agonizing moments, presumably talking to the operator. Turning back to Chloe, Chase pulled the naked woman closer to her and rocked her back and forth gently. “Help is on the way, Chloe. Just hold on, help is on the way.”

*

Chase stood shell-shocked as they took Chloe away on a stretcher. The paramedics had been very nice and had offered to take her to the hospital in the ambulance, but there was only room for one. Of course Chase had to drive Tracy, so she informed them she would follow not far behind. Now she couldn’t figure out what to do as her daughter stared up at her, her eyes seeming to dart back and forth from the bloodied room to Chase as if she, too, was having trouble accepting what had just happened.

Shaking her head, Chase reached out and put her arm around Tracy’s shoulders. “Come on,” she said, pulling gently. “Let’s go to the hospital.”

Tracy pulled away a little bit. “No offense, but could you change first?”

Glancing down, Chase realized for the first time that she was covered in Chloe’s blood, or probably a good portion of bloody bath water with some blood that made it to her hands. It was silly, really, that it hadn’t occurred to her before. Now that it was so obvious, she felt dirty, stained, as if Chloe’s blood was figuratively on her hands as well. Which was absurd, obviously, but it didn’t stop her from feeling that way. What was wrong with her? She’d had blood on her before, other soldiers’, her own, Arianna’s, and now Chloe’s. Maybe it was because this was so deeply personal, and she did feel as if she had a part in it.

Sighing, she nodded and motioned towards the door. “We’ll stop at my place real quick and I’ll change.” Tracy nodded and moved to leave the room. “Do you have your backpack?” Chase asked, suddenly remembering why they were here in the first place.

For her part, her daughter looked horrified again, shook her head and ran from the room. Mentally chastising herself, Chase remembered that it was still in the bathroom. She went and retrieved it, relieved that it was void of any blood that she could see.

*

Chase had always hated hospital waiting rooms, ever since the day she had spent in one waiting to hear if her father had survived a tricky, emergency surgery. They had flown – all six of them, her mother, her brothers, and herself – to a hospital in Germany where their father had been transported after a life-threatening injury. They were never told what the injury was, and to this day, Chase didn’t even know if her mother had been informed. That was the military for you. A “secretive bunch”, as Colonel O’Neill would say.

So to say that Chase spent most of her time avoiding hospitals was putting it mildly. She barely tolerated the infirmary on base, but she had accepted that as a part of life. This was completely different. This was a cold, bright environment with hard, uncomfortable chairs and unfamiliar sounds. 

What made it even worse was that the nurses behind the desk refused to give her any information about Chloe because she wasn’t “family”. She tried to explain that Tracy was Chloe’s daughter and she was Tracy’s legal guardian in the event anything happened to Chloe. This had just earned her a shrug and a request to wait. 

She checked her watch. That request had been at least forty-five minutes prior. In that time, she had called Spencer, and he was on his way with the legal paperwork that would hopefully earn her some respect in this place. Even after the break-up, she and Chloe had decided to leave the medical power of attorney and legal will as they were so that if anything unexpected happen, Chase would still have legal standing. They said it was for Tracy’s benefit, but Chase knew Chloe also needed someone to make decisions, since her family had long since disowned her. It was very sad that her family could accept her teen pregnancy, but they couldn’t handle it when Chloe started dating a woman.

Although, Chase thought to herself as she checked her watch again and glanced towards the door, she might just kill her ex herself if they both came out on the other side of this. Chase was fuming, and the flames only burned hotter with each stroke her hand made over Tracy’s fine hair splayed over her lap. To think that Chloe had actually tried to kill herself – and that Tracy had seen it! - made Chase more angry than she had been in a long time. 

Thankfully her daughter had fallen asleep not long after they’d arrived. Chase was no expert, but she assumed it had something to do with the late hour and the trauma they had experienced. Whatever the reason, Chase was grateful.

Of course her phone just that moment to ring. As fast as she could, she retrieved it from her pocket and eased a still sleeping Tracy off of her lap as gently as possible. Then she backed away, but kept her daughter in her line of sight. Looking down at the caller ID, she frowned slightly before sighing and opening the device, pressing it to her ear.

“Arianna?”

“Hey!” came the too cheerful and loud voice in Chase’s ear. She moved the phone away and glared at it before turning the volume down as low as it would. She could hear Arianna chatting away the entire time. “You weren’t at home so I decided to try your cell phone and there you are!”

Chase stole a glance at Tracy, who was thankfully still sleeping, before answered in hushed tones, “Are you drunk?”

There was a giggle at that question. “I think so! Or just high, I can’t tell.”

Groaning, Chase shifted her phone to the other ear. “Look, I can’t talk right now. Can I call you later – or tomorrow?”

“What’s wrong?” Arianna asked in a tone that made Chase feel like a child. “You know what? Tell Sam what’s wrong. Here!” 

“Wait, what?” Chase asked quickly, her brain still trying to catch up. She hoped Arianna wasn’t actually giving the phone to Sam.

That hope was short-lived. “Um, hello?” Sam’s voice came on the line, obviously unsure to whom Arianna wanted her to talk.

“Before you get angry, I did not ask to talk to you. In fact, I told Arianna I couldn’t talk at all,” Chase told Sam quickly, still trying to keep an eye on Tracy and the nurse at the desk, just in case anything happened before the call ended.

“Don’t worry about it,” Sam replied. “She’s been trying to get me to call you all night. She may be drunk, but she’s still persistent.” 

“Why did she want you to call me?”

The sigh Sam let out sounded frustrated and tired, as if she had been dealing with a drunk Arianna since Chase left the party – and she probably had. “She’s insisting that we need to get back together.”

Chase couldn’t help but smile at this. "From our biggest adversary to our most ardent supporter. Who would have thought?” she teased quietly, hoping that Sam would see that she was only trying to make light of the situation.

Apparently she did because Chase heard her chuckle through the phone. “Yes, who would have thought?” There was a pause, then Sam asked, “Where are you, by the way? It doesn’t sound like you’re at home.”

Holy hell, she’d almost forgotten where she was throughout their conversation (and just being so happy that Sam was talking to her). “At the hospital,” Chase answered softly.

“Why? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Chase replied, “But Tracy and I are here because Chloe…” she trailed off, unsure if she could actually say the words or not.

Sam waited a few beats before asking gently, “What happened to Chloe?”

Chase closed her eyes and willed the tears away. Not now, not in a public place, don’t you dare, she told herself silently. Taking a deep breath and opening her eyes (and finding Tracy still asleep), Chase answered, “She tried to kill herself.”

“Is she okay?”

“I don’t know. No one will tell me anything because I’m not family.” She sighed and glanced towards the door, wishing that Spencer would appear with the papers. “Spencer’s on his way with the papers, though, so hopefully soon.”

There was a pause, and then Sam spoke again. “Papers?”

Nodding into the phone, Chase turned back to Tracy. “Yeah, Chloe left them the way they were when we were together so that if anything happened to her, I’d still be the one to take care of Tracy.”

“And make all the medical decisions?”

“Well, yeah. She has no one else.”

“You didn’t see how inappropriate that was when you were no longer together?” Sam asked, surprising Chase with her line of questioning. Perhaps it did need to be asked, but did it need to be asked now?

She drew in a steadying breath. Things were going so well and now it was all unraveling again. “I was afraid if I asked her to change anything then she’d change everything, including where Tracy would go. I couldn’t let Tracy go to a grandmother who hated me and Tracy doesn’t even know.”

Another pause. Then, “This was a bad idea. I can’t believe I kept talking to you after Arianna handed me the phone. I should have just ended it then. I’m sorry about Chloe, but I can’t do this. Good-bye, Chase.” 

The line went dead, Chase realized with the click in her ear and absolute silence echoing after. She closed her phone and slipped it into her pocket, once again refusing to cry. She walked back over to where Tracy was still sleeping and sank down in a nearby chair, still reeling from the conversation she had just had with Sam.

*

By the time Spencer arrived, Tracy was wide awake and pestering the nurses for any news of her mother. Feeling somewhat indignant and self-righteous, Chase ended the barrage of questions by merely handing the hospital worker behind the counter the legal documents. The blonde woman leafed through the papers before glancing back up at them.

“I need to make a copy of these papers,” the blonde stated, and Chase could detect no hint of emotion in her tone.

“Okay,” Chase replied, fighting the annoyance that arose within her. “Can you at least tell us if Tracy’s mother is all right?”

The woman sighed and nodded as she typed something into the computer. Glancing back up, she replied, “She appears to be fine. They’ve admitted her to a room.”

“Can we see her?” Tracy piped up, hands on the counter as she somewhat steadied herself on tiptoes. 

Before the woman could answer, a pair of doors a few feet away swished open and two hospital workers in scrubs and lab coats stepped through. One was an older man with graying hair and dark eyes, the other a young woman with reddish hair and what appeared to be a weary expression on her face. The man stepped up to the counter, and the blonde handed him the papers without delay.

He skimmed over the contents quickly before looking up, his gaze seeming to find Chase’s face. “Ms. Marks?” he asked.

She nodded. “Yes?”

“I’m Dr. Sawyer, and I helped care for Ms. Williams. She’s asking for you,” he said as he handed the papers back to the blonde, who immediately took off, presumably to make copies as she had said. 

“Okay,” Chase replied, looping her arm around Tracy’s shoulders in an effort to reassure her. She could feel her daughter stiffen under her touch, but she left it there anyway. “We’re ready,” she added softly, hoping that seeing her mom would help Tracy rather than hurt.

Dr. Sawyer smiled in what Chase took to be a kind or pitying way and shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he replied with that same look on his face. Chase was starting to become annoyed with him. They didn’t need his pity. “But she made it clear she only wanted to see you.”

Chase looked at Spencer, who nodded, before she turned to Tracy, who looked as if she was about to protest. “I’ll talk to her, okay?” Chase asked gently as she watched tears well up in Tracy’s eyes.

Tracy sniffed and glanced away, apparently refusing to shed the tears. “Fine,” she replied quietly, keeping her gaze averted from Chase’s.

Sighing, Chase turned back to the doctor. “Okay, I’m ready.”

*

Chloe actually smiled a little when Chase stepped into the room, somewhat brightening her pale features. The doctor had been curiously quiet in the hall, answering Chase’s questions with short answers and pretty much indicating that Chase would be better off speaking with Chloe herself. So to say that Chase was fighting frustration and anger by the time she stepped in that room would have been a pretty accurate assessment of her emotional state.

“Chase,” Chloe said, again sounding as if she couldn’t believe her ex was there. Chase could hardly believe it herself. If it wasn’t for Tracy, she wouldn’t have been there at all, that’s how angry she was.

Chase shook her head and fixed Chloe with a glare. “What’s the matter with you?”

The smile on Chloe’s face disappeared immediately. “What do you mean?” she asked, confusion apparent on her features.

Anger flared in her again at the sight. “Do you care about anyone but yourself?” Chase asked, folding her arms over her chest, positioning herself next to the bed, but out of Chloe’s reach. “What would have happened to Tracy if you had succeeded?”

“She would go live with you,” Chloe answered, still looking confused and bewildered at this line of questioning. Apparently she didn’t know Chase at all. Of course Chase was going to be upset about this. How would Chloe not know that?

Chase shook her head. “But how would she feel about her mother killing herself? You don’t think she’d be scarred for life?”

This seemed to hit home as what seemed like realization spread over Chloe’s face. She was quiet for a minute, hopefully thinking about what Chase had just said. Drawing in a deep breath, the pale woman on the bed looked away, towards the window. It was still dark outside, and Chase couldn’t even begin to guess what Chloe was thinking.

After a few moments of silence, which seemed to stretch on indefinitely to Chase, Chloe finally spoke, “I wasn’t thinking about Tracy. I wasn’t thinking about anything but my pain. I wanted it to end.”

Considering this for a moment, Chase shook her head and lowered herself slowly into the chair that had been set beside the bed. “I hear you, I do, but I can’t help but be upset, Chloe.”

She looked up to see a tear fall from one of Chloe’s eyes, trailing down her pale cheek slowly. “I know,” she replied, turning away again and wiping away the tear. “You’re right, of course. I don’t think of Tracy anymore. I’m a bad mother, I know I am.”

Chase felt the anger bubbling up again. She knew Chloe was trying to elicit some sort of sympathy from her. Not this time, she told herself. Taking a deep, steadying breath, Chase shook her head again. “I think you need help, Chlo,” she said softly, purposefully not looking at Chloe.

“I know,” came the soft reply. Then there was the unmistakable sound of crying.

Chase finally looked up. “You have to see Tracy,” she said, already sensing what the response would be.

Chloe looked alarmed. “Not like this!” she replied, exactly as Chase expected.

“It’s going to be now or I’m not sure she’ll still want to see you.”

At this, Chloe seemed confused again. “What? Why not?”

Chase shrugged. “She’s acting pretty upset. I’m not sure how she’ll feel if she doesn’t get to see you today.” Sighing again, Chase glanced towards the door, almost as if she expected Tracy to appear on cue. “She was pretty adamant about seeing you before. If we leave, she may never forgive you. Like I said, I’m not sure.”

Chloe’s dark eyes grew wide with what Chase hoped was fear or shock. At least the tears had stopped. Chase had always found it irritating how Chloe was the type of person who could start and stop crying at the drop of a hat. Finally, Chloe nodded. “Fine, I’ll see her.”

*

Her mom looked paler and weaker than she had ever seen her – and considering she had witnessed both of the epic break-ups between her mothers, that was saying something. Some thought about now being a teenager and now she was expected to be grown-up ran through her head, so she put on her strong face. She went to sit in the unoccupied chair by the bed and grasped her mom’s hand when it was offered.

“How are you holding up?” her mom asked, as if she was in the hospital for some routine surgery and not trying to kill herself.

“Shitty,” she responded, mostly to see her mothers’ reactions. 

Chase actually remained quiet at that, but her mom became visibly upset. “Language, young lady,” she said sternly, as if the look she gave Tracy could actually convey anything to her. As far as Tracy was concerned, her mother had no right to chastise her after what she just did.

Tracy shrugged, dropping her mom’s hand. “You asked,” she retorted, crossing her arms over her chest.

Probably understanding that she wasn’t going to win this argument, her mom just sighed and leaned back on to her pillows. “I’m going to be in here a while,” she started. Tracy just shrugged again, glancing back at Chase, who still looked pissed as hell, before looking back at her mother. Or rather the pale imitation of her mother who sat on that hospital bed.

“I’ve agreed to a psychological evaluation and to stay in the psych ward for at least a few days for observation.”

Tracy snorted. “Good,” she muttered, hoping her mother would actually benefit from it.

“While I’m gone, I want you to respect Chase and listen to her like you would me. Do you understand?”

Something burned within her as she glared at her mother and shook her head. “Why? It’s not like it makes a difference anyway.”

“Tracy!” 

Chase stepped in at this point. “Okay, Tracy, that’s enough. No matter what she’s done, she’s still your mother, and you should respect her.”

Throwing up her hand, Tracy jumped from her chair, whirling on her second mother. “What does it matter, Chase? She wanted to leave us! Don’t you get it? How can I listen to her now? She wanted to leave me with you and be done with everything. So why don’t we let her?”

With that, she stalked out of the room, hoping she gave her mother something to think about. She didn’t really want to kick her mom out of her life, but she was angry and she wasn’t thinking clearly, obviously. Not that she thought her little rant would be taken seriously by any of the adults because they usually didn’t listen to what she said anyway.

She leaned against a wall and wished that the bright lights would go away. Despite her short nap earlier, she was exhausted and all she wanted to do was go to bed. Maybe things would be different in the morning. Maybe she’d discover it was all a bad dream and she wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

Hearing footsteps behind her, she turned back to see Chase walking towards her. Unsure what to say, Tracy just watched as her second mom came up next to her and mimicked her position on the wall. “Ready to get out of here?” Chase asked quietly. 

Surprised, Tracy nodded. She had expected Chase to yell at her or at the very least to lecture her some more about respecting her mother. There was none of that as they pushed off the wall and walked towards the exit together. In fact, there was nothing but the sounds of the hospital around them, which was fine with Tracy. She didn’t want to talk right now anyway.

*

Spencer came into the dark apartment after Tracy had been put to bed, but he could tell the teenager was still awake by her watching him from the sofa bed as he crossed the room quietly. He glanced up into Chase’s bedroom over the kitchen to see Chase was sitting upright on her bed, still fully dressed from the day, with a small lamp still lit on her bedside table. He couldn’t tell what she was doing from this angle, so he decided to climb the stairs and investigate.

It turned out that she was doing nothing, just sitting there in silence, but probably listening to her mind going about a million miles a minute. She always was the quiet, contemplative one in the family, a quality he sometimes lacked. He sat down next to her and put a supportive arm around her shoulders. She still didn’t move, her gaze seemingly on the sofa, or what they could see of it from this distance.

Finally, she took a deep breath and commented, “I don’t have any milk.”

“Um…should you have milk?” He asked, genuinely confused as to what milk had to do with anything at this time.

She nodded. “Tracy likes to have cereal for breakfast, and I don’t have any milk.”

“It’s not going to kill her to eat something else for a change.”

Chase shook her head. “I think she’s had enough changes in her life for one day, don’t you?”

“Whoa, hang on there, sister. I think you are giving way to much meaning to a bowl of cereal.”

If looks could kill, hers would have murdered him in ten seconds flat. As it was, he withdrew his hand and shrank away from her, almost afraid that she would hit him. Not that she ever had before, but in that instant, he wasn’t sure what who she was anymore. She didn’t move towards him, though. Instead, she stood up and grasped the railing, looking down into the dimmed apartment below. 

“I’m going to get some milk,” she stated and from her tone, he knew there was no point in arguing. Apparently his opinion on how late it was or how tired she looked was not relevant at this juncture.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go?” He offered, hoping to save her from having to drive after such an ordeal.

She shook her head. “No, I want to do it.” She turned to look at him. “You will stay here, right? For the night?”

He nodded. “I already called my principal and told her that I wouldn’t be in tomorrow morning due to a family emergency.”

He liked the small, even if it seemed a little sad, smile that graced her features. It was the first he had seen her smile in a while. “Thank you,” she said, hugging him briefly. “I’ll be back soon.”


	7. Chapter 7

Sam’s mind wouldn’t shut off, no matter what she tried. So she resigned herself to sitting in the living room with the TV muted, quietly sipping her tea. It occurred to her that subconsciously she was probably waiting to hear something from Chase, which was absurd considering the way they had left things. Still, she couldn’t seem to fall asleep or think about anything else.

Sometime after four she could have sworn she heard something from outside, and she went to investigate. As she drew back the curtain, she caught sight of Chase’s car idling in front of her house with a shady silhouette in the driver’s seat. Sam’s heart began to beat faster, but she couldn’t decide whether it was from nervousness or dread at the conversation that was about to happen. 

She knew it was only a matter of time before one of them broke the ice. Instead of waiting for Chase to get out of the car, Sam picked up her phone and dialed. Watching the car, she noticed the dim light of Chase’s cell phone, proof that it was there and Chase knew Sam was calling. Now the question was would she answer it.

The answer came fairly quickly. “I’m sorry,” Chase started the conversation bluntly, a phrase that caused frustration to flare up within Sam.

“What are you sorry for now?” Sam asked, letting the curtain fall and dropping into a chair. She didn’t think it would be a good idea for her to watch Chase have this conversation.

“For sitting outside your house like a freaking stalker.”

Sam chuckled a little to herself at the admission. “Of all the things you’ve apologized for the past few days, that’s the least of your worries,” she assured Chase – or maybe herself as well. She let the silence continue for a moment before continuing softly, “In fact, I wish you’d done that days ago.”

There was a soft sigh in her ear. “Me, too. If I’d come to you from the start, none of this would have happened.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Besides just plain stupidity? I guess I was trying to be strong.”

Another kind of frustration flared up within Sam, and she gripped the phone tighter. “Strong? What the hell, Chase? How is coming to your girlfriend not strong? Especially after what you went through!”

Chase paused, perhaps giving Sam a moment to collect herself or maybe Chase needed to think as well. Taking a deep breath, Chase answered in a whisper, “Like I said, stupid.”

This time the pause was almost unbearable. Sam struggled to continue the conversation and trying to decide if she wanted to continue. Then she remembered why she had been worried earlier. “How’s Chloe?”

There was some aggravated noise before Chase responded. “Still kicking, a least. She’s staying in the hospital a while for psych observation.”

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

“How’s Tracy?” Sam asked, genuinely concerned about the girl’s well-being, even if she was upset with the woman caring for her.

“Shook up, but really closed off,” Chase replied before sighing again. “I’m worried.”

Sam shrugged and had the sudden urge to hug Tracy, feeling at least part of the worry about which Chase spoke. “That’s in the job description, I hear,” she heard herself say. Was she being sarcastic? No, her tone didn’t sound harsh, even though she was using humor. It sounded more like teasing, which probably wasn’t a good thing at the present moment.

“Yes,” Chase answered softly, sounding a bit confused. Sam didn’t blame her. She was confused as well. “Par for the course, I suppose. I just wish she’d let me in.”

Pausing again, Sam wiped her face slowly with her free hand. Finally, she stated flatly, “I can’t do this.”

“Do what? Talk to me?” Chase asked tentatively. So very un-Chase-like.

“Yes. No.” This time it was Sam who sighed, closing her eyes and leaning her head against the wall. “Be the person you turn to right now. Not after what happened,” she explained.

“I know. I’m sorry,” Chase replied, sounding as if she meant it. The problem was, she always sounded as if she meant it.

Rolling her eyes, Sam sat up and said, “Every time you say that it loses some of its meaning.”

“What do you want me to say?”

That anger that welled up inside her was definitely anger that time, not frustration anymore. “Nothing. I want the last three days back. I want to scrub that image permanently from my brain!” She closed her eyes, feeling the hot tears as they leaked out and scorched their way down her already inflamed cheeks. “Why did you do it, Chase?” she asked, feeling that it was an entirely valid question. She also felt that it deserved more than a rote answer like ‘I don’t know’ or something of that nature. She waited to see how Chase would respond.

There was another soft sigh in Sam’s ear. “I…I don’t think I have a reason that would satisfy either of us,” Chase replied softly and Sam could have sworn she heard a catch in the voice. Chase pressed on, “Best I can guess is I wasn’t thinking about consequences or anyone else but me. I…really have no excuse, Sam, except for my own stupidity and thoughtlessness.”

The pause that followed was longer than any before it in their conversation. If Sam couldn’t have heard Chase’s soft breathing in her ear, she would have thought Chase hung up. But that wasn’t like Chase to leave things hanging like that. Finally, Sam found her voice. 

“I don’t know if I can ever get over this.” She took a deep, shaky breath and ran a hand over her short hair.

“I understand,” Chase whispered in response. Sam wondered if Chase’s heart was breaking as much as hers.

There was a deep breath again. “Look, Sam, if this is the last time we talk, I want to tell you that what happened…well, it doesn’t mean I didn’t value what we had. In fact, it was what kept me going when, well, you know.” Damn, now Sam was fully crying, trying to be as quiet as possible as Chase went on, “That was probably too much for me to share at this juncture, but I thought you should know.”

Sam took a moment to gather herself, to get enough air to answer, to form words and to stop the steady flow of tears. “Go home, Chase,” she managed to get out, almost choking on the words as they came up her throat. She could have sworn she heard her ex crying (which Sam knew Chase rarely did), but she hung up anyway, effectively ending the conversation.

*

The next morning Chase awoke to the gentle shaking of her shoulder. She groaned and lifted her head, wondering why her neck was in such pain. Then she realized that she had fallen asleep at the dining room table with her head using her arms for a pillow. She couldn’t remember being this stiff even when she had to sleep in that tree on the planet with no stars.

“Ow,” she muttered to herself as she began to rub her neck and looked up at the person who had woken her. It was her brother. It took her a moment to remember why he was there and then it all came flooding back to her.

Chloe’s suicide attempt. Spencer bringing the paperwork and staying overnight due to the late hour. Her late night conversation with Sam. She blinked away tears at that one and drew in a deep breath as she shook her head.

“Why’d you wake me?” she asked, noticing how hoarse her voice was. 

“I have to go,” he replied, giving her a strange look. He was probably wondering why she had slept at the table instead of sharing the sofa bed with Tracy. Chase glanced at the sofa bed and noticed that the girl was still under the covers, but watching them intensely. Maybe she was curious as to how this day would go? Chase was curious, that was sure, and a little apprehensive as well.

She nodded and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. “Of course. You planning on teaching the afternoon classes?”

“Yeah,” he replied. “Told the principal I’d be there by noon at the latest.”

“Sounds good,” she said, yawning openly. “Thank you for everything,” she added as an afterthought.

He smiled, although it wasn’t as big as usual. “Of course. If you need anything else, just let me know.”

All she could do was nod and give him a small smile, truly grateful for his support. Watching him go, she thought to herself that she didn’t know what she would have done without him last night. Then she turned to her daughter, who was still just sitting on the sofa bed.

“Have you eaten yet?” Chase asked, finally standing and stretching as she attempted to work out the stiffness in her joints. Tracy nodded, pointing to the sink. Chase walked over and noticed the dirty bowl and spoon.

She drew in a deep breath and turned to Tracy again. “So what do you want to do today? We could order movies and just be hermits if you’d like.”

Tracy shook her head. “I want to go to school.”

This surprised Chase, considering most 13-year-olds would rather not go to school if they had the choice. Then again, Tracy was not a normal 13-year-old. “I already called and told them you would be absent today,” Chase replied as she opened the fridge in search of her own breakfast. 

“So? I could still go to afternoon classes.”

Chase closed the refrigerator and went to sit on the back of the sofa, looking down at her daughter. “Why do you want to go to school?”

“I want to see Cassie,” was the quick reply.

“But if you’re in class you can’t talk to Cassie,” Chase responded, confused.

Tracy shrugged. “I’ll still be with Cassie.”

“You can be with Cassie after school and tell her anything you’d like,” Chase replied, reaching for the phone on the side table. “I’ll call her mom and ask if you can come over after school.”

“But I want to go to school!” Tracy said, her voice becoming louder and sounded angry.

Chase tried not to take it personally because she knew it was a hard time for Tracy, too, and she wanted to be as fair as possible to her. That being said, she couldn’t remember a time that Tracy had yelled at her and it had stung a little. “Tracy,” she started, placing the phone on her lap and giving Tracy her full attention, “What is so bad about spending the day here with me?”

Apparently that was the wrong question. “Because you’re the reason Mom tried to kill herself!”

“What?” Chase asked, feeling as her body reacted to the accusation. Her pulse quickened, her breathing came in shorter gasps, and it was difficult for her to breathe. She stood up and backed a little away from the couch. “Why would you say that?”

“Because a few days ago, Mom was better! She said you were getting back together and then the next day you weren’t.” Tears began to spill from Tracy’s eyes, but just like her second mother, the girl wiped them away. “Why’d you have to give her hope then take it away?”

Chase felt like she was going to throw up, so she brought the hand not currently clinging to the phone up to her mouth and covered it. She shook her head, feeling the stinging in her eyes before everything started to blur. Taking no chances, she ran to the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

She couldn’t catch her breath. That scared her more than anything else as she sat on the floor with her back against the door and her breath came in short gasps. Her thoughts wouldn’t stop going around in circles, either, as they attacked her for the very thing her daughter had been moments before. What if she was right? What if Chase was responsible? 

It was when her chest started hurting that Chase knew she had to do something. She glanced down at the phone in her hand and wondered if she could be still enough to dial. She wanted to call Sam, but she hadn’t turned to Sam before and now it was too late to start. So she dialed another number instead.

“Heightmeyer,” came the crisp answer in her ear.

“Dr. Kate,” Chase managed to choke out. “It’s Chase,” she breathed out, wondering when talking became so difficult.

“Chase, what’s wrong?”

“Trouble…breathing…” She attempted a deep breath, but failed, grasping at the phone and willing herself to continue, “You said…something the other day…a panic attack?”

“You could be having a panic attack. Did you fill that medication I gave you?”

Chase struggled to get to her feet and opened the medicine cabinet. Why couldn’t she remember if she filled them? Then she saw it, the orange bottle seeming to mock her. “Yes, but…”

“No buts, Chase,” Dr. Kate told her, her tone sounding stern. “I need you to take one for me and then we’ll talk.”

She did as she was told, although she would have preferred not to take anything. “Okay, now what? Is it fast-acting or do I have to wait?”

“Well, not really, but part of the point was to get your mind off of whatever was bothering you. I noticed you seem to be having an easier time speaking now.”

Taking a deep breath, Chase slumped against the door again and slid down to the floor. “You’re right, I feel a little better. But it doesn’t solve the problem.”

“No, it doesn’t. Where are you right now?”

“At home.”

“Can I come to you? I really think we should process this so you’ll be prepared if it happens again.”

Chase’s head spun with the idea. “Again? Can’t we just leave it at one?”

“I don’t know. We can certainly hope for that.”

“Fine, you can come over.”

*

_“Chase, slow down! We can help!” But even as she said it, Sam knew her girlfriend wouldn’t listen. The striped red and swollen wounds on Chase’s back seemed to display the anger that Chase did not, the rage that Sam could see boiling just beneath her calm exterior, at an alien who had caused her – and the people she was trying to save – nothing but pain._

_The sight of the wounds hurt Sam to her core, a constant reminder that she had not been able to save the woman she loved from torture and beatings. She wanted to strangle Bacchus with her bare hands, but a gunshot to the head would be sufficient. Not that any of them would get that chance._

_Bacchus had apparently fled at the very word “uprising”. They were told that he was gone even before SG1 had been freed. Another Goa’uld coward, Sam thought bitterly to herself._

_Suddenly, Chase turned and met Sam’s gaze. The ship around them seemed to fade away in the intensity of the moment. Chase stepped forward and shook her head sadly. Bringing a hand up to cup Sam’s cheek, Chase whispered, “After all this, you can’t bring yourself to forgive me?”_

She, too, faded and left Sam alone with her memory until she awoke with a start, gasping for breath. It took a moment for her to remember why she was on her sofa and not her bed. Then it all came flooding back to her: Chloe’s suicide attempt, Sam and Chase’s talk, Sam’s inability to fall asleep afterward.

Well, she mused, apparently she had fallen asleep eventually only to be awoken by a horrible nightmare. She sat up slowly and rubbed her temples. It really was no surprise that her brain had turned her inner turmoil into such a vivid nightmare. What had surprised her was Chase’s question.

There was no time to consider it, though, because her phone was ringing. She glanced at the caller ID. Speaking of the person occupying most of Sam’s thoughts. She debated ignoring it, but that would only delay the problem, not make it go away, so she answered, “I really don’t want to talk right now, Chase.”

*

Tracy was starting to freak out a little. Her second mom had been in the bathroom for a while, and she didn’t look good when she ran in there, either. After debating with herself, she finally got up and went to knock on the door.

“Chase?” she called through the door. She could have sworn she heard crying through the door. She debated apologizing for a brief moment, but what could she say? She believed everything she said, and she wasn’t going to apologize for having an opinion. Besides, Chase hadn’t even tried to defend herself. She’d just run away.

Which was so unlike her, just like not answering Tracy’s call. “Chase?” she called again, “Are you okay?”

“I’ll be okay,” came the eventual answer, “I just need a minute.”

“Okay,” Tracy answered, placing a hesitant hand on the door. Despite what she said and what she believed about her mother’s suicide attempt, she knew Chase was hurting. 

Sighing, she walked away, back towards the couch when she had an idea. At first she looked for the phone next to the couch before she remembered that Chase had that one when she ran into the bathroom. Then she noticed Chase’s cell phone on the island counter. 

Grabbing it, she opened it and went immediately to the last called number. She was not surprised that it was Sam’s. Tracy’s assumption was that Chase and her mother had considered getting back together, but Chase had chosen Sam in the end. To be honest, Tracy thought that was probably the better choice, but she was angry that Chase had given Tracy’s mom any idea that they could be back together.

She punched the send button and held the phone up to her ear. It rang a few times before Sam answered. For a moment, Tracy wondered if Sam was at work and unable to get the phone, but finally she answered.

“I really don’t want to talk, Chase,” Sam said, sounding very annoyed to Tracy.

Tracy sucked in a deep breath and said softly, with a glance behind her to the still closed bathroom door, “It’s not Chase.”

It only took Sam a few beats before asking, “Tracy?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s wrong?”

And then there was a rush of words that Tracy didn’t feel like she could stop. “Chase and I got in a fight and then she freaked out and went in the bathroom. Now she won’t come out and I’m kinda freaking out and I was wondering if you could come talk to her.” She finally took a breath and waited for Sam’s answer.

After a few moments of silence, Sam finally replied slow, “Tracy, Chase and I aren’t together anymore.”

“Oh,” Tracy replied, feeling as if the breath had been knocked out of her. That was not something that she was expecting to hear. “Why not?”

There was definitely a sigh from Sam at that question. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

“With a kid?” 

“With anyone right now,” was the quick response. “But do you want me to come over for you? I can get you out of the apartment if that’s all right with Chase. Some space might be good for both of you.”

“I’d like that,” Tracy replied.

“Okay, I’ll be there soon.”

“Thanks.” She hung up the phone and set it back onto the counter, hopeful about Sam’s upcoming visit. Turning around, she stopped short at the sight of Chase watching her from just outside the bathroom door. 

Chase looked like she had been crying, with red rimmed eyes, and her hair was definitely going to cause her problems when she finally pulled a brush through it. She just stared for what seemed like forever to Tracy before she finally took a deep breath and asked softly, “Are we still fighting?”

Tracy didn’t know if Chase hadn’t seen her use the phone or if she was ignoring it for the moment. Whichever it was, Tracy simply shrugged and went on with the topic Chase had chosen. “I don’t know. Are you okay?”

Running a shaky hand through her hair, Chase shook her head and leaned against the island as she placed the cordless phone on the countertop. She kept her head down as she answered, “I honestly don’t know, Trace. I’m okay enough to function, but I feel like everything is just falling apart.” She looked up and held Tracy’s gaze steadily. “Do you still want to go to school?”

“No,” Tracy answered quickly. “But, um, I should tell you that Sam’s coming over.”

Chase looked at Tracy as if she had two heads. “Did she call?” she asked, looking at her cell phone.

Swallowing her fear at her second mother’s reaction, Tracy shook her head and answered honestly, “I called her.”

“Why?” She didn’t sound upset, but her tone didn’t sound happy, either.

“I thought…I wanted her to talk to you. You were…freaking me out.”

“What did she say?”

“She said…that you aren’t together anymore, but she’d come over to get me. Said that it might be good for us to have some space right now.”

Chase nodded thoughtfully, but she still didn’t look pleased. “Probably a good idea,” she whispered, looking away.


	8. Chapter 8

“So you have your daughter for an indeterminate amount of time?” 

They were sitting on Chase’s couch, facing each other. Kate took a minute to study the woman who currently looked like she was trying to fold herself into the tightest ball possible as she hugged her knees tightly to her chest. Seeing Chase like this was a bit disconcerting. Kate had seen several clients in the aftermath of trauma. It wasn’t that Chase’s reaction was so different than the others. It was the transformation of seeing how she used to be and how she was behaving now.

Chase nodded, still avoiding eye contact. “Yeah, but I don’t have to work right now, so it’s not a big deal.”

Kate tried to look as unconvinced as possible. “I don’t think even you believe that. You may not be working, but you are dealing with the aftermath of now two very traumatic experiences. I don’t think that’s anything to gloss over.”

“What are you saying? You think I shouldn’t have Tracy right now?” Chase glanced in Kate’s direction momentarily, but then away again. She looked downright pouty at the moment, Kate thought, but kept it to herself.

She shook her head instead. “Not at all. I think she needs some sort of stability right now. I just think you should recognize how much stress you’re under. Ignoring that could lead to another panic attack.”

Chase groaned and buried her head in the back cushion. Finally she raised her head, looking into the kitchen. “I feel stupid just having one. I really don’t need another.”

Kate smiled a little and shook her head again. “Chase, we’re all human. I think you’re holding up remarkably well considering everything you’ve been through.”

“Well, I think I should be better.”

Frustration flared in Kate, but she pushed it back down. Remember not to get too close, she reminded herself silently. “Chase,” she began, trying to figure out exactly how to say what was bouncing around in her head. Finally, a small smile and she started, “I think that’s the problem. You can’t just wish everything away. Healing is a process and every new hurt – like Chloe’s suicide attempt – needs to be processed and absorbed.” She sighed and laid her arm on the back of the couch. “I think you need time to grieve.”

“Grieve what?” Chase asked, looking confused.

“Your old life,” Kate responded, once again warning herself that this was not her life, no matter how similar it seemed at times. She took a deep breath and continued, “Certainly you have realized nothing will go back to the way it was?” She waited, saw a nod, and continued, “I think you can still have a very fulfilling life, but you have to be willing to let go of what was in order to have what will be.”

Chase seemed to consider this for a moment with a faraway look in her eyes. Then, a small whisper, “You mean give up Sam?” Just saying the words out loud seemed to hurt her. Kate felt like she could relate.

“Partly. With that situation, I would say if you continued to hold onto her, she will never come back.”

“If you love something let it go?” 

This was getting dangerously close, Kate thought as she removed her arm from the back of the couch and put it back in her lap, lacing her fingers together. Professional, right. She nodded. “Yes, you could say that. Let her heal, too.”

Taking a deep breath, Chase nodded. “Okay, I think I can do that. But what about Chloe? I messed up big time. How do I make it right?”

Kate shrugged. “What do you think? I mean, remember, things aren’t always black and white.”

“I’ve already apologized. Both she and Sam have told me to stop apologizing.” She sighed. “I really don’t know. I don’t want to be with her, I know that.”

“Well, then you know something,” Kate replied. “How about forgiving yourself? You can’t expect someone else to forgive you when you haven’t done it yourself.”

Chase shook her head, looking forlorn. She even blinked a few times, all the while refusing to look at Kate. “How can I forgive myself if what I did is the reason she tried to commit suicide?”

“What makes you think that? To attempt suicide is a personal choice. You didn’t put the razor in her hand.”

“Tracy thinks it’s my fault.”

Kate snorted and shook her head. “Tracy’s 13. Her view is very limited, like most teenagers. I wouldn’t put too much stock in her opinion as it may very well change after her talk with Sam.”

Kate noticed an actual tear this time before Chase gruffly wiped it away. “True,” she admitted. She still wasn’t meeting Kate’s gaze, though.

“Chase.” Finally, eye contact. “It’s okay to cry, you know. It can be a good release, and you can trust that I won’t judge you for it.”

Chase shook her head again and looked away. “I’ll judge me,” she replied, closing her eyes and holding a hand over her mouth. Apparently Kate touched a nerve.

“Why?”

“Soldiers don’t cry.” It was barely more than a whisper and Kate had to strain to hear it. If she hadn’t heard it before, she would have asked Chase to repeat it. She didn’t need to hear it again, though.

“Bullshit,” Kate replied, probably a little harsher than she realized, but it had the intended effect: surprised, wide eyes looking directly at her. She had Chase’s attention. “I’ve had plenty of soldiers cry in my office – and mostly men. Even they agreed that it was a welcome release.”

Silence permeated the room for a few moments. Chase was probably processing, which was a good thing. Finally, she spoke, “That’s not what I was taught.”

“By whom?” 

*

She hadn’t been on a swing since she was a teenager herself. The park was deserted. The snow and cold most likely deterrents, not to mention at this time most children were at school. Tracy would have been at school if the events of the night before had been different.

Tracy had gone directly to the swings when they entered the park and Sam had followed. She waited for the teen to break the silence. She really didn’t know what to say and figured that if Tracy needed to talk, she would. Finally, her boot drawing patterns in the snow, Tracy began to speak.

“Why do things have to change?”

Sam shrugged and lightly kicked at the snow at her feet. “That’s just how life is.”

“Well, it sucks,” Tracy replied, gripping the chains tighter and beginning to swing from side to side.

“Sometimes,” Sam agreed, nodding. She kept her eyes glued to the snow, only watching Tracy with her periphery vision. “But then sometimes change is good.”

“Things were good,” the teen muttered, kicking some snow roughly. Sam didn’t respond because she knew it was true. She had no argument for that. Tracy looked at her and Sam almost winced at the intensity in her glare. “I thought you loved her.”

Sighing and shaking her head, Sam answered truthfully, “I do.”

“Then why?”

“It’s not that simple,” Sam replied, knowing it sounded lame and probably condescending. But what could she say? Without even considering it, she knew the truth would be crossing an unspoken line. So she simply said, “Doesn’t change how I feel about you. I’ll be here if you need me.”

Tracy snorted and shook her head. “Sounds familiar.” 

Sam realized that this situation probably felt like Tracy’s mothers’ break-up but now it was compounded with Chloe’s current state. Sam sighed and shook her head. “You have so many people who love you and want what’s best for you.”

“Maybe.”

“No maybe,” Sam stated, mustering up the sternest look she could.

The gaze that met Sam’s was teary and surprised her a little. She thought Tracy was doing the brave front. Tracy’s tears must have been unexpected, even for her, if the look on her face was any indication. “Mom wants to leave me.”

Sam drew in a sharp intake of breath, feeling the chill in her lungs (maybe her heart?) even as she exhaled. What could she say to that? “I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Then why would she…” Tracy trailed off, sniffling quietly.

Shrug. “Who knows why anyone does that?” She put her arm around the girl’s shoulder. “You still have Chase and you still have me and you still have Cassie. Those things will never change.” Tracy was sobbing now. Sam smoothed her hair and held her tighter. “I promise.”

*

Images, memories, filled Chase’s mind. Hot sun on her back, ankle throbbing, tears stinging her eyes as she tried to focus on the old tires before her. After that was the wall, which she had thought was her nemesis before she twisted her ankle on those damn tires. It was a backyard obstacle course, and she knew it well, even when she was a child. 

She remembered the laughter of three of her older brothers and her father’s yells as she and Spencer sat on the wet grass. They were both in tears. “Soldiers don’t cry!” her father was trying to drill into them. Spencer yelled something about not wanting to be a soldier. Chase got up and tried again.

“My father,” Chase said softly, answering Dr. Kate’s question. “He taught us to be strong and to never show weakness.”

Dr. Kate shook her head. “He was wrong.”

Chase had considered this before on several occasions, that her father had many shortcomings. She recognized them when it came to Spencer because she loved him and wanted to see their father accept his choice not to join any branch of the armed services. Chase had even rebelled a little by choosing Air Force over Army.

Horror crept over her as she remembered her reaction to Sam’s breakdown. “Shit. I’m an idiot.”

There was confusion on Dr. Kate’s face. “Why?”

“I freaked out when Sam cried in front of me.”

“Recently?”

Chase nodded. “When I got home. What was I thinking?”

“You were operating under assumptions and ideas taught to you as a child. We all have irrational beliefs usually engrained at a young age.”

“So how do we change them?”

Dr. Kate smiled a little, as if she was about to share some little known secret. “Keep challenging them with the truth.”

Sighing, Chase replied, “Sounds like a long process.”

“Life-long, usually. We just keep striving to do better.”

“It’s all we can do.”

Dr. Kate nodded. “That and enjoy the good times when they come.”

*

“Can we talk?” Sam asked, her heart already hammering in her chest at the thought. She did not want to do this. She wanted to find a time machine and change the past, but seeing as that wasn’t an option, she had to define her boundaries with Chase. It was as much for Chase as it was for her; at least that’s what she told herself.

Chase nodded, glancing over at Tracy, who currently seemed absorbed in her drawing as she sat with her knees up, sketchbook on her “lap”, on the couch. How she could draw cramped like that, Sam would never know, but apparently she could. “I’ll be out in the hall for a bit,” Chase told the girl softly. The only response was a shrug.

They walked out of the apartment single file with Sam in the lead, and Chase closed the door before wrapped her arms around herself. It was chilly in the hall with no insulation and Sam had the split-second, knee-jerk response that she should offer Chase her coat, but caught herself just in time. Considering the circumstances, that would probably be extremely awkward.

Sighing, Sam started slowly, “I know today wasn’t your doing.”

Chase nodded. “Thank you, by the way, for coming to get Tracy.”

“I will always come for her,” Sam replied with a soft smile. The expression on Chase’s face made Sam think that she didn’t like that response. It probably reminded Chase of something from her relationship with Chloe, but Sam didn’t bother to ask.

She took a deep breath and continued with her thought instead, “Like I said, I know it isn’t your fault, but so far, I’ve managed to see you every day since…” she trailed off. It was clear by the way Chase looked at her that she didn’t need to explain further. “It’s going to be hard enough to see you at the base. I don’t think I can handle you in my personal life, too.”

Chase nodded, blinking a few times before dropping her gaze to the floor. “I can understand that,” she replied in a whisper.

Sam sighed again and stepped closer, marveling at her own body’s betrayal of what she was saying, what she knew she needed. Still, she hated seeing Chase in pain. “I mean, someday, maybe, we could be friends, but not right now. It’s too soon.”

Another nod from Chase, but she didn’t look up. This time, Sam did follow her knee-jerk reaction, closing the space between them and pulling Chase into a tight hug. Chase seemed frozen for a moment, but she finally returned the hug full-force. Struggling to maintain a hold on her tears, Sam drew in a deep breath and whispered, “Good-bye, Chase.” Then she pulled herself forcefully from the hug and turned to leave.

She told herself not to look back as she headed for the door, but once again her body betrayed her. Chase was staring after her, silent tears streaming down her face. When she saw Sam had turned, she raised one hand in a silent farewell. Sam swallowed hard and pushed her way out of the heavy door.

*

Janet answered the door already knowing who was on the other side. Chase had called her earlier and asked if she could drop Tracy off to visit with Cassie. They had talked only briefly, but Chase had indicated that something was wrong so Janet had grudgingly agreed to let them come even though she was not looking forward to seeing Chase right now.

She had to fake a smile when she saw them or she would have gone off on Chase, she just knew she would. “Hello, Tracy,” she greeted the girl, ignoring the adult with her altogether for the moment. “Cassie’s in her room.”

“Thank you, Ms. Janet,” the girl mumbled, eyes glued to the floor as she walked by Janet on her way to Cassie’s room.

Locking eyes with Chase, Janet could tell something was wrong and somehow she could tell it wasn’t the information she already had about the cheating. Chase looked as if she had been crying, her eyes red and puffy, the expression on her face forlorn and pleading. Finally, Janet sighed and asked softly, against her better judgment, “Would you like to come in?”

Chase got as far as the back of the couch (really only a few feet into the house) and turned around as Janet was shutting the door. She leaned against the couch and looked at the floor, her whole body language so similar to her daughter’s when Janet first answered the door. “Have you talked to Sam?” she asked simply, her eyes still glued to the floor.

Janet folded her arms across her chest and surveyed her visitor up and down. “That depends,” she answered slowly. “I spoke with her yesterday at the party, if that’s what you mean.”

Shaking her head, Chase took a deep, shuddering breath and Janet dropped her arms. Whatever this was had to be serious. Chase looked as if her world had ended. Janet had never seen the woman look so defeated in the few years that she had known her. “Chloe…” Chase began, finally glancing up and making eye contact, “Chloe tried to kill herself last night.”

The news shocked Janet enough that she leaned back against the closed door for support. The few times that she had spent any significant amount of time with Chloe, the woman had seemed very self-assured and confident, not at all like someone who would attempt to take her own life. Sure, Janet had thought Tracy’s mother a little insane and manipulative, but this news still seemed completely out of character for her.

Shaking her head, Janet’s gaze met Chase’s. “What’s going to happen with Tracy?” she finally decided to ask. That would be what affected Janet’s daughter the most, they may as well start there.

“Tracy’s staying with me for now,” Chase answered slowly, watching Janet closely. There was something in that look that made Janet think that there was more to the story, but she stayed quiet, waiting for Chase to continue. “Janet, I realize you probably know what happened between Sam and me. If Sam didn’t tell you, I’m sure Colonel O’Neill has by now.” 

Janet tried to speak, but Chase raised a hand and shook her head. She obliged, allowing Chase to continue her thought before she responded. “I need help, Janet. I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for Tracy. We don’t have to be friends. I just want someone who will help me with the ins and outs of being a full-time single parent. Plus, our daughters are best friends. We’re going to have to coordinate on some things anyway.”

The request took a minute for Janet to process. While she mulled it over in her thoughts, she watched Chase closely, trying to decide if she thought this woman was trying to manipulate her in some way to get back in Sam’s good graces or something similar. Still, Janet told herself, that would have been more Chloe’s style than Chase’s. Chase had never come off as a manipulative person and Janet doubted that the woman even had a mean-spirited bone in her body. She even had to admit if she hadn’t heard about the cheating from Sam, she would have thought it wasn’t true.

Closing her eyes, Janet drew in a slow, calming breath and let it out just as slowly. This would be for Tracy, her mind argued. Surely Sam would understand. This would not be the same as what Arianna did. You don’t even have to be friends, just one mother helping another. She opened her eyes and glared at Chase for a moment, finding the other woman fidgeting slightly as she waited for Janet’s response.

“Fine,” Janet finally answered, pushing off from the door. “I will help you, but it has to be on my terms.”

Chase nodded. “Of course.”

“And don’t tell Sam about this. I’ll do that,” Janet added softly, wondering to what she had just agreed.

“Sam and I aren’t talking,” Chase answered softly, her gaze once again on the floor.

Well, that was interesting, Janet thought as she studied Chase again. She should still tell Sam, though, lest it get back to her some other way. Such as her boyfriend’s apparent incessant need to involve himself in everyone else’s business. She would have to have a talk with him as well.

“Thank you, Janet,” Chase said suddenly, interrupting her thoughts.

She shook her head. “Don’t thank me yet. We are talking about teenagers. We’re both going down an unfamiliar road here.”

Chase actually smiled at that. “All the more reason to work together.”

*

“So she…tried to kill herself,” Cassie repeated, staring at Tracy with a look of disbelief. If Tracy hadn’t seen it herself, she probably would have reacted the same way.

Tracy nodded, clutching more tightly to her best friend’s hands. They were on Cassie’s bed, facing each other and sitting so closely that their knees were touching. Tracy wouldn’t remember who had initiated the hand holding, but she was grateful Cassie was still allowing it. She needed the touch right now, and she certainly didn’t want it from her second mother.

“Yeah,” she replied softly, silently begging Cassie to understand.

“I’m sorry,” Cassie offered, her eyes telling Tracy she knew it wasn’t enough.

Tracy nodded again. She was just grateful that her best friend was there. “Cass…what happened…” she trailed off, torn between not being sure if she should ask and wondering why she hadn’t asked before.

Apparently Cassie knew where the question was going. “What happened to my parents?” She asked and Tracy nodded. Cassie drew in a deep breath and closed her eyes. Tracy wondered if she was reliving something from her past, bringing it up again. Tracy felt badly for probably bringing up painful memories. Before she could say anything, though, Cassie stated, her voice flat and exact, “They were killed.”

Instantly, Tracy regretted asking. “Oh, Cassie, I’m sorry.” 

Cassie’s eyes flew open as she shook her head furiously back and forth. “No, Trace. I’ve had years to deal with that. You just heard about this.”

“Saw, actually,” Tracy corrected quietly, looking away. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Cassie asked, gently, not pressing.

Tracy shook her head. “Did you see your parents…” she swallowed hard, but continued this time, “after?”

Cassie nodded. “I’m sorry to say, it’s not something you ever forget.”

“I can’t imagine it is.”

Instead of continuing the conversation, Cassie leaned over and kissed Tracy’s forehead softly. Then she wrapped her arms tightly around her best friend and Tracy into a much-needed hug. Tracy felt her breath hitch in her throat before she finally let go and allowed herself to cry again.


	9. Chapter 9

They hadn’t talked much that day, Chase thought to herself in the dark silence. Tracy had gone to bed without much resistance once she had procured a promise from Chase that there would be school waiting in the morning. However, hard as she tried, Chase would not be as easily placated. Her mind would not shut off and sleep would just not come. 

Then her ears picked up the sound of bare feet on the wrought iron stairs that circled their way up to her bedroom. Her immediate concern was not who was coming, but rather why. Not that she thought her daughter was going to try to hurt her in her sleep, but things between them had been rather tense today. Chase didn’t know what to expect.

Without opening her eyes, Chase listened as Tracy, probably thinking she was being quiet, made her way to the side of Chase’s bed. There, all movement stopped and all Chase could hear was Tracy’s quiet breathing. Feeling, but not seeing, Tracy’s gaze on her was disconcerting and uncomfortable. It was all she could do not to squirm.

Finally, Chase decided to break the silence. “Are you just going to stand there all night?” She opened her eyes in time to see Tracy flinch, probably from surprise.

“I…was trying to decide if I wanted to wake you or not,” Tracy confessed.

Chase felt the corners of her mouth tug upward, but her now teenage daughter did not look like she was in the mood to joke. So Chase sat up a little and leaned back against her headboard. “What’s up?” she asked.

Tracy made a face at the phrase (probably at her second mother using the phrase, more accurately) but she answered anyway, “I…” she paused, wrapping her arms around her middle. Sighing, as if resigning herself to having to confide in Chase (even the thought that’s what it might be saddened Chase since she and Tracy used to be so close), Tracy went on, “I dreamed…” This time, she seemed to stop due to a catch in her throat, possibly holding back tears.

It didn’t take a genius to guess what Tracy was about to say. “About your mom?” Chase asked and Tracy nodded. “Would it surprise you if I said I’ve had some really bad nightmares lately, too?”

Another nod from Tracy. “About Mom?”

“You mom is among the topics, yeah,” Chase replied thoughtfully. She smiled sadly and shook her head, trying to disperse the sudden rush of unpleasant memories. Unfortunately, most of them were pretty recent.

Tracy interrupted Chase’s thought with a question. “Do you think I could…I mean, would you mind if I, um, slept up here tonight?”

It sounded like a very difficult question for her to ask, whereas even a few months ago, she would have been shamelessly begging for the same thing. Was it becoming a teenager or her mother’s suicide attempt that had changed things so drastically? Possibly it was a mixture of both.

“Of course you can,” Chase replied, patting the bed beside her.

Her daughter scrambled to the other side of the bed as Chase slipped back into her previous position. She closed her eyes, fully expecting the conversation was over. Maybe she could sleep now.

This time, Tracy did surprise her, if only a little. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?” she asked, not bothering to open her eyes.

“Know someone is coming, even when you’re asleep.”

Chase chuckled. “It helps that I wasn’t actually sleeping.”

Her daughter let out an exasperated noise. “Way less cool.”

Chase shook her head. “Go to sleep, we can debate my coolness in the morning.”

*

At some point during the night, Chase’s back had begun to throb. Her dreams turned dark, mingling memories and fear into on entity. Bacchus’ eyes and that damn smirk he had seemed to taunt her at every turn. Even though she had outsmarted and tricked him, the insane megalomaniac had escaped with his life, unlike the first Goa’uld she had faced.

Even Braga still haunted her dreams from time to time, so she really wasn’t surprised when Bacchus starting making his appearances. He had, after all, been the one to order and watch all of her whippings and most of them had been carried out after the small amount of clothing he provided for her to wear had been stripped off her already shaking form. She could still feel the cold space air on her sensitive skin and the sting of the whip as it tore at her already raw skin.

The tears and soft (she hoped) wails must have woken Tracy, probably not a difficult task since Tracy was sleeping in the same bed. Chase almost didn’t remember that when Tracy shook her awake.

“Chase? Chase, wake up!” Her daughter’s pleading reached her even in the midst of her nightmare. The concern and fear Chase heard in Tracy’s voice ripped her violently into reality. Concerned brown eyes swam into focus slowly. “You okay?” Tracy asked.

Chase managed to nod, still feeling the sting of her back and tasting the salt of her tears. Taking a few deep breaths, she managed a small smile and reached for the glass of water that she always kept by her bedside table (since she had gotten back, anyway). After taking a sip of water, she turned back to Tracy.

“I’m okay,” she managed to answer audibly. Tracy didn’t look convinced. Chase sighed and shook her head. “How bad was it?”

Tracy hesitated just a moment, then answered quietly, “You…you screamed.”

Immediately, Chase’s hand flew up to cover her mouth. She had no idea her reaction had been so loud and disturbing. “I’m sorry.”

Tracy shook her head. “No, I’m okay…you sure you are?”

That was a good question. Was she okay? Or was she pretending so that she didn’t freak Tracy out? Was she still trying to be the brave soldier and lie to herself as well as others? Sighing, she reached over and covered her daughter’s hands with her own.

“Am I completely okay? No. I still have a lot of things to work through and wounds to heal.” She squeezed Tracy’s hand and continued, “But I am still okay enough to take care of you and me, too. We’re going to be fine.”

*

Arianna hummed to herself as she made herself some coffee. This morning had been nothing short of perfect so far, she thought to herself as she rocked back and forth on bare feet. Sure, it was a little chilly in their small kitchen in just one of Daniel’s button-down shirts, but soon she would join him in their toasty warm bed so it barely registered. She was so absorbed in her own happiness, it barely registered that her phone was ringing.

Glancing at the caller ID, she grimaced a little at the readout. This conversation would most likely not be a happy one considering the events of the last few days. But there was no way she wouldn’t answer. “Good morning, Chase,” she answered as brightly as she could.

“Morning, Arianna,” Chase replied, her voice soft and her tone flat. Come to think of it, Arianna couldn’t remember the last time she’d heard any other emotion in Chase’s voice except sadness or anger. Hopefully that would change soon.

“What’s going on?” Arianna asked as she pulled a mug from the cabinet and began to pour herself a cup of steaming hot coffee.

“I have a favor to ask.”

Well, that was something new. Chase had never asked Arianna for anything before, probably out pride or maybe Arianna couldn’t help her before. Whatever the reason, she was happy to help now. “Sure, what is it?”

“You might want to wait to hear what the favor is first,” Chase responded, chuckling into the phone. 

“Why’s that? Got something really hard that needs doing?” Arianna asked, stirring some cream and sugar into her drink. 

“It depends. I have to go see Chloe this afternoon to discuss plans for Tracy.”

Arianna made a gagging noise. “No way I am going with you.”

Chase outright laughed at that response. “No, I wouldn’t ever ask you to be subject to that. My favor is to be a sounding board for me after. I really don’t have any other friend to talk to now and I think Dr. Kate is probably tired of me.”

“Oh, so you’re asking for me to help you process your talk with Chloe?”

“Yes.”

Nodding, Arianna glanced towards the bedroom door and hoped the conversation would soon be over. Not that she didn’t want to talk to Chase, but because her very attractive fiancée was waiting for her in bed. “Sure, not a problem. You want to come over after?”

“Only if I’m not interrupting anything,” Chase replied. Oh, how well Arianna’s friend knew her.

“No, Daniel’s got plans this afternoon, but I’ll be at home as far as I know.”

“Okay, then I’ll see you this afternoon then. Thank you.”

Arianna shook her head and picked up her coffee, ready to head back into the bedroom as soon as she put down the phone. “Not a problem. See you then.”

When she stepped into the bedroom, her fiancée looked up from the book he was reading. “Who was on the phone?” he asked.

She handed him a mug of steaming coffee and responded, “Chase,” before sliding next to him on the bed.

He made a face at the name. It was quick and subtle, but she caught it nonetheless. “What was that? What’s wrong with Chase?”

Shrugging, he closed the book and set it on his bedside table. “I don’t know, I just worry about you being friends with her.”

“What? Why?”

He shook his head. “It’s silly, really. I shouldn’t even be mentioning it.”

“Daniel,” Arianna replied, taking his hands in hers and squeezing gently, “We’re going to get married. Even if it’s silly, I want to hear it.”

Sighing, he looked down at their intertwined hands and shook his head again. “It’s just…you two have become so close and…she cheated on Sam. Do you think that’s okay?” he asked, looking rather embarrassed to be saying it out loud.

“No,” Arianna replied firmly as she squeezed his hands again. “And she knows how I feel about that.”

“Really? Because you keep trying to get her and Sam back together.”

She smiled a little and scooted closer to the man she loved. “Because I believe in second chances, not because I think cheating is okay.” She cocked her head to the side and regarded him closely. “Wait, you don’t think I would ever…”

He shrugged, looking away. “I don’t know. I won’t lie. It does worry me.”

Placing a soft hand on his cheek, Arianna tugged gently so that he was facing her again. “I would never, ever even consider it.” She grinned and leaned forward, placing a tender kiss on his lips. 

*

The air on the psych ward was still cold and smelled of antiseptic, but at least the couches were more comfortable than the plastic chairs she and Tracy had to deal with earlier in the week. Chase looked around at the other families waiting to visit with their own patients. They looked as nervous as she felt. What should she expect? With Chloe, she never knew, much less in this situation.

The door to the locked unit opened, letting out a stream of patients to join loved ones. Chase watched as one by one the patients found their families and went to sit with them. Finally, Chloe appeared, a smile brightening her face when she saw Chase.

Chase watched Chloe warily as she approached, still not sure what to expect. Chloe sat on the other end of the small sofa (really more of a loveseat, but there was still space between them regardless) and folded her hands in her lap. She looked small and a little frightened, as if she wasn’t sure what to expect, either. Well, to be fair, Chase had been rather angry at their last meeting.

“Thank you for coming,” Chloe said softly in greeting. “I wasn’t sure…” she trailed off, looking down at her hands. 

Chase nodded. “We didn’t leave things on the best of terms the other night.” She sighed and shook her head. “But we have to talk about Tracy.”

Chloe looked up at the mention of their daughter and nodded, looking thoughtful. “You didn’t bring her,” she commented. Chase wondered if it was Chloe’s attempt to stall the impending conversation.

Whether that was the intention or not, Chase indulged her anyway. No matter what happened, she would always indulge Chloe with details about Tracy. Chloe was, after all, the reason Tracy was in Chase’s life, if nothing else.

“She’s at school,” Chase replied.

The answer seemed to confuse Chloe. “You made her go to school?”

Chase snorted, unable to help herself as she remembered how Tracy had fought her that first day after…but of course Chloe didn’t know about that. “No, I couldn’t stop her. I was barely able to keep her home on Monday.”

Blinking, Chloe looked down at her hands again. “Did you tell her you were going to see me today?”

“Of course.”

“She didn’t want to come?” Chloe asked, looking up and meeting Chase’s gaze.

Chase shrugged, trying to ignore the intensity in Chloe’s eyes by shifting uncomfortably in her seat. “She didn’t ask. She did ask that I tell her what happens.”

“She knows we’ll talk about her,” Chloe commented with a little grin, as if the thought amused her. The comment and the grin surprised and confused Chase.

“What else would be talk about?” The words fell from her lips before she knew she was going to say it. The look on Chloe’s face – which seemed part heart-broken, part crestfallen, and part hurt, all any number of emotions she was probably feeling from Chase’s thoughtless statement – made Chase instantly regret it. “I only meant that we have to talk about the plans for her.”

Nodding, Chloe looked away and wiped away a tear. “I don’t know why I thought anything would have changed.” She shook her head and held her hand up when Chase tried to respond. “No, you’re right. We do need to talk about what happens for Tracy now.”

“Okay,” Chase replied softly, still sorry for her hurtful comment before. She could have just said the second thing, even if the first was really how she felt.

“I’m being released tomorrow, but I’ve decided to get more help.”

This was a surprise. Chloe rarely admitted that she needed any help. Maybe this experience had been a wake-up call after all. “More help?” Chase asked, arching an eyebrow.

“Yeah, there’s this place in New Mexico that the doctors and therapists here recommended.”

Chase considered this a moment. She decided not to pry about the details, but to keep to the topic. Didn’t mean she wasn’t curious as hell, but it wouldn’t be good to let Chloe know that. So no questions about Chloe personally, just those that applied to Tracy. “How long will you be gone?”

“At least six months,” Chloe replied, almost looking as if the thought of that much time away pained her. There was something that didn’t sit well with Chase about the whole conversation, but she wasn’t sure what it was. Well, other than the obvious seriousness of the situation.

She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “That’s…a long time. I’m assuming the plan is for Tracy to stay with me while you’re gone?”

Chloe nodded. “I’ve taken care of the details with my lawyer. You’ll be her legal guardian.”

This took a moment to process. “What?”

“I sign the papers in the morning. They won’t let me do it while I’m in here, but I want you to have legal custody. I mean, in case anything happens like, god forbid, she gets hurt or something. That way, you can sign medical paperwork and such.”

Chase shook her head. “No, I understood legal guardian, but…what happens after you get back?”

Chloe shrugged, seemingly unconcerned. “We’ll figure it out then. I’m not signing away my parental rights or anything.” She smiled a little. “This is what’s best for Tracy.”

“Okay,” Chase answered, still not entirely sure, but there was no arguing with Chloe once her mind was made up. She also had to admit that it did make sense from a legal standpoint. “If that’s what you want. What do I need to do?”

“Meet me at the law office tomorrow and sign your part of the papers. Oh, and please bring Tracy so that I can say good-bye before I leave.”

Shaking her head, Chase held up her hand, needing to address both of those requests individually. “First of all, my lawyer looks over all papers before I sign them.”

Chloe nodded. “Fair enough. What’s the second thing?”

“You’re leaving tomorrow?”

She nodded again. “As soon as I get my affairs in order.”

Unbelievable, Chase’s mind screamed, but she had enough sense to keep it to herself. Her opinions of Chloe not wanting to spend time with Tracy before she left were not relevant here, not at this point. “So…will there be phone calls or visits while you’re at this place?”

“Yes. I’ll let you know more when I get there, but I’ve been told I will have phone calls and family weekends.” Chloe shrugged. “Doesn’t sound so bad.”

Chase just stared in disbelief. Six months without her daughter not “so bad”? Chase wouldn’t be able to stand it, even with phone calls and visitations. Every mission longer than a week had Chase missing Tracy terribly. Being trapped on that ship without knowing if she’d ever see her daughter again had nearly killed her…again. 

It was in that moment that Chase truly realized that she couldn’t go back to the way things were, just like Dr. Kate had said.


	10. Chapter 10

She didn’t know how she had allowed Arianna to talk her into lunch at the diner. She didn’t feel much like eating, but Arianna had practically begged her to come out with her. Chase glared at the menu and glanced at her watch. How long would she have to endure this before she could excuse herself to go pick up her daughter? It wasn’t that she didn’t want to spend time with Arianna, but she had been prepared to have a quiet visit at Arianna’s apartment, not this public and loud restaurant.

The server had taken their orders and left their drinks (ice tea for Chase, Diet Coke for Arianna). Chase did have to admit they were at least in a somewhat out of the way booth and no one seemed to be paying them any attention. She hated that her mind automatically was on the defensive, even when she was having lunch with someone who was just a friend, but after all those years of being cautious, apparently she couldn’t shut it off.

“So,” Arianna started after a sip of her soda, “What did Chloe have to say?”

Chase sighed and began to nervously tear at the napkin in her lap. Her thoughts and feelings on the matter were still confused, but she did need to process it. That was, after all, why she asked to see Arianna anyway. “She’s going away for a while. She said there’s this place for her to get treatment in New Mexico, and she wants to give it a try.”

Arianna nodded. “Makes sense,” she commented, obviously unaware of the bewilderment Chase was currently feeling over the situation. Chase supposed from an outsider’s point of view, the decision did seem logical. Even Chase had to admit she thought Chloe needed more help, but there was more to the decision than just Chloe herself. At least to Chase there was. “How long will she be gone?” Arianna asked innocently.

“She said at least six months,” Chase replied, finally bringing her hands onto the table and leaving her napkin alone. Taking a sip of her tea instead, she watched Arianna carefully. 

“So you’ll have Tracy for at least that long?” 

Nodding, Chase replaced her drink on the table and glanced around the diner, noticing a few children nestled into booths with adults she assumed were parents or guardians. She felt a pang in her heart, suddenly wishing that she had spent more time with her daughter while the girl was young. She pushed the thought away, telling herself that she did the best she could with the limitations she had. “Chloe said that she wants to give me legal custody so in case anything happens while she’s away, I can take care of it.”

Arianna flashed a brilliant smile. “That’s great!” she exclaimed, causing Chase to startle a little. She still wasn’t used to Arianna’s enthusiasm yet. Of course, before their shared imprisonment, she hadn’t even seen this side of Arianna. 

Chase shrugged. “I suppose. I’m just concerned how Tracy is going to take the news. I mean, Chloe said that there will be phone calls and visitations, but I’m still worried that Tracy will see this as Chloe running away from her.”

“I could see that,” Arianna replied thoughtfully. “I think you and Chloe will have to explain to her that this is just something that Chloe has to do to get better so that she can be a good mother to Tracy again.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Chase replied, looking down her the table. Arianna didn’t understand, which actually didn’t surprise Chase all that much. Still, it felt good to talk to someone about what had happened. She glanced up at her friend and smiled a little. “Thanks for doing this.”

Arianna shook her head. “You don’t have to thank me. I’m happy to help.”

Just then, two familiar faces appeared next to Arianna’s seat. She glanced up, probably noticing Chase’s expression, and her face split into an enormous grin at the sight of her fiancée and the man’s best friend. Scooting over, she allowed Daniel to slide in next to her on the bench and leaned over to kiss him chastely.

Colonel O’Neill motioned in Chase’s direction. “May I?” he asked, which Chase took to mean he wanted to sit next to her. She shrugged and moved over to allow him room, not entirely sure why the men had decided to join them. 

Thankfully, Arianna apparently felt the same way. “What are you guys doing here?” she asked, looping her arm under Daniel’s and taking his hand as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Chase felt her heart constrict, not only with the thought that she and Sam wouldn’t be holding hands again, but with the thought that even if they were still together, there was no way they could do that in public.

Daniel shrugged, looking across the table at Colonel O’Neill. “Well, I happened to mention that you and Chase were having lunch here and Jack seemed awfully keen to join you.”

That was interesting, Chase thought as she glanced at the man beside her. He was glancing over towards the cash register, possibly hoping to catch a glimpse of someone who would bring them menus and something to drink. At the mention of his name, he turned back to the table and smirked that damn half-smile that he usually had when he was up to something. He shrugged and leaned back, folding his arms across his chest.

“What’s that now?” he asked, as if he hadn’t been paying attention. Chase knew better and she assumed that their companions did as well.

Shaking his head, Daniel turned to his fiancée. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

She nodded, looking over at Chase. “That all right with you? We’ll be right back.”

Taking it as a respectful way of Arianna saying that she did come to the diner to spend time with her friend not her fiancée, Chase nodded and waved at the couple. “Go. I’ll be here to guard your food from Colonel O’Neill,” she teased, grinning when the comment earned a scoffing laugh from the man beside her.

Arianna smiled and nodded before following Daniel out the front door of the diner, apparently to talk about something in relative privacy. Almost as soon as they were out of sight, Colonel O’Neill moved from his place beside Chase and slid onto the bench across from her. She cocked her head slightly to the side and regarded him closely. 

“Something wrong with the seat over here?” she asked, feeling suddenly as if Daniel had been in on some scheme for Colonel O’Neill to talk to her alone.

He nodded and moved to take a sip of Arianna’s drink before making a face as soon as the liquid hit his mouth. “Yuck, diet. Simons and Carter are crazy,” he muttered, pushing the drink away.

She was seconds away from laughing before she heard her ex’s name tumble from his lips, which immediately stifled any sound of joy or mirth that attempted to escape hers. Leaning back a little, she folded her arms over her chest and shook her head. “What’s this about, Colonel?”

“Okay, okay,” he said, holding his hands up and smirking again, “You got me. I just want to talk, that’s all.”

“Talk about what?” she asked, wondering why needed to interrupt her lunch with Arianna just to talk with her.

He leaned forward and folded his hands on the table between them. He had a look on his face that made him look like he thought he was about to share something spectacular with her. She swore to God, if the next words out of his mouth were some salacious gossip, she was going to walk out of that diner. Still, as much as he liked to meddle in the lives of those around him, she didn’t think gossip was really his style.

Finally, he spoke, quenching her curiosity, “We just came from the base. General Hammond and I were discussing a new position he would like to create. Something to help us with new recruits from the Academy we hope to be getting.”

“New recruits?” Chase asked. In the two years Chase had been part of the Stargate Program, it seemed to her that most of the personnel seemed to be made up of professional officers and enlisted with the occasional non-military based scientist, not newly graduated recruits from the Academy. Was the Program that desperate for personnel?

O’Neill nodded and replied, “Yeah, Carter went to give some sort of lecture at the Academy a little while back and some plucky kid challenged her math or something…” She arched her eyebrow at that, knowing how brilliant her ex-girlfriend really was. He smiled and nodded again. “I know, right? The kid’s apparently some sort of genius, but she was in danger of getting kicked out for starting a fight or something.”

She. Not that she wanted to believe that it mattered, Chase couldn’t help but notice the gender of this “kid” as Colonel O’Neill continued, “Anyway, so Carter got the brilliant idea to bring her back to the SGC to help with a mission.”

“A mission?” Chase nearly choked as she had been attempting to sip at her tea in what she hoped was a nonchalant manner. That was thrown out the window as soon as she heard that her ex had brought a cadet to the SGC and allowed this cade to go through the Stargate. What was she thinking?

He nodded again. “Yeah, it was a messed up mission, too. I thought for sure at least once that we were going to be goners. But of course Carter came through in the end, with the help of this cadet.”

“It was a dangerous mission?” Chase asked, still dumb-founded at the entire idea. It still sounded ludicrous. 

“Well, no, it wasn’t supposed to be, of course. It was supposed to be safe and boring and all that.”

That made a little more sense, but her head was still reeling. She wondered why no one had mentioned any of this to her before. Of course Sam wouldn’t have because they weren’t even talking, but she would have thought someone around base would have, what with the gossip mill so strong around that place. She sighed and shook her head.

“Okay, so what does this have to do with the new position you mentioned?” She thought she already saw where this was going, but she wanted to be sure.

“Ah, yeah, so we were hoping to create a position for someone to train these new recruits. You know, take ‘em through the gate, show them the ropes on a deserted planet, plan drills and exercises for them. Basically, get them familiar with the unique aspects of this assignment versus any other,” he replied, giving her a look that made it almost impossible to ignore that he was telling her because he wanted her to request the position.

She sighed and took another sip of her iced tea as she mulled it over for a moment. She did have to admit, the idea had merit. It sounded much safer than being assigned a team, but she could still work for the SGC and make trips through the Stargate. As she had told Dr. Kate, she wasn’t sure she was ready to return to active duty after what happened to her. Now, coupled with having to care for Tracy, she was more concerned about how to continue at the SGC than ever.

“What would the hours be like?” She asked, trying not to sound too hopeful. It wouldn’t do for her to get too invested without knowing all the details.

O’Neill smiled, looking very pleased with himself. “Negotiable, but I’d say you’d be home every night with the occasional exception of an overnight or two for training missions. Not often, probably. Perfect for a working parent.”

That comment elicited a small smile from her. It wasn’t that she hadn’t been a parent before, but now it would be a full-time job instead of part-time. It was nice to see that others noticed that, too, and really nice that Colonel O’Neill thought of her first when discussing this new position with the general.

“So, what do ya think, Marks? Interested?” He asked, watching her expectantly. She nodded. “Great, because I already mentioned your name to General Hammond. He thinks it’s a great idea.”

*

The bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. Tracy grabbed her bag and raced for the door. Cassie met her in the hall and, after quick stops by their lockers, they were headed out into the bright sunlight. The end of any school day was always a welcome occurrence, but the end of a Friday school day was even better. Despite her desire to come to school that Monday morning, she was all too glad to leave it today. Besides, it hadn’t been school itself she wanted on Monday, it was the presence of her best friend.

Breathing in the fresh air, she let the relief wash over her that she was finally outside and able to talk with her friend to her heart’s content. She already knew she was supposed to go home with Cassie today…at least that was the plan until she noticed her second mother leaning against her car parked by the curb. Something must have happened at visitation with her mom, something bad if Chase changed her plans to pick her up.

She reached out and grasped Cassie’s arm, causing her friend to turn. “What’s…oh,” Cassie started and then must have noticed Chase as well. “Want me to wait?” 

Tracy nodded, a lump forming in her throat making it impossible for her to speak. She left Cassie standing on the sidewalk as she approached Chase slowly, afraid of what news Chase had for her. She noticed that Chase smiled a little as she approached, which calmed her somewhat.

“I thought…” Tracy started as she watched Chase push off from the car and step towards her, “I thought I was going home with Cassie today.”

Chase nodded, wrapping her arms around her middle. “You still can if you want,” Chase replied. “I just want to talk with you for a minute.”

“Okay…” 

Taking a deep breath, Chase moved closer and reached out for Tracy with one hand, probably to hug or put an arm around her should. Without thinking, Tracy jerked away, not missing the expression of hurt that crossed over Chase’s face. It wasn’t Tracy’s intention to hurt her second mother, but she didn’t want anyone besides Cassie to suspect something was wrong. She also wasn’t sure what this conversation would bring, and she was still a little upset with Chase for her mom ending up in the hospital.

“Tracy,” Chase began, shoving her hands into her pockets, “Your mom is being discharged tomorrow.”

“Does that mean I’m going home tomorrow?” she asked, not sure if that’s what she wanted or not. She may be still nursing some anger with Chase, but that was nothing compared to what she felt for her mother right now. She wasn’t even sure she could put a name to every overwhelming emotion she felt when she thought about her mom.

Chase shook her head and moved closer. She didn’t attempt to touch Tracy this time, though. “She said she needs more help. She said that she was told about a place in New Mexico, and she’s going to go there.”

There was such a rush of thoughts, possible responses, and emotions in this new information provided that Tracy wasn’t sure where to start. She knew one thing, though: that she felt like her whole world was being turned upside down. Turning away, her gaze found Cassie standing a few feet away, looking concerned. She also noticed Cassie’s mom had arrived, standing next to Cassie, also watching Tracy and Chase. Tracy was thankful that they had stayed and were waiting for her.

She turned back to Chase. “How long?”

“She said at least six months,” Chase replied softly.

Tracy blinked back tears. The one person she had known her entire life, the one person who had always been there, was leaving. Yeah, she knew there was something wrong with her mom and leaving meant getting help. Still, Tracy couldn’t help but feel angry at the sudden turn of events. The past month had been a whirlwind of change for her. First she was told that her second mother was dead, which turned out to be wrong. Then her second mother was back and her mom tried to kill herself. Now her mom was leaving. What else would change? Would Chase leave, too?

Finally, she turned back to Chase. “So what happens now?” 

“You stay with me. There’s some legal stuff that has to be done so that in case anything happens to you while she’s gone, I’ll be able to take care of you. She wants you to come to the lawyer’s office with me in the morning to say good-bye.”

She took this in as well, trying to decide what question to ask next. There were so many, no doubt there wouldn’t be time or energy to ask all of them today. What was most important? Why couldn’t she get her brain to cooperate with her? “Legal stuff…” she managed to choke out. “You mean…she’s giving me to you,” Tracy finally said, letting the pieces click together in her brain. “She doesn’t want me anymore.”

“No, that’s not what I mean,” Chase replied firmly, taking another step closer. She may have thought her presence could help, which Tracy had to admit it kind of did. Not that she would admit that out loud. “I mean that she wants to make sure you’re cared for while she can’t be here. She specifically told me she is not signing away any of her parental rights. I would be considered your legal guardian. When she gets back we’ll all talk about what happens next.” She took a deep breath and continued, “She’s still your mom. No matter what happens.”

Damn, it was hard for her to keep from crying. She wanted to get out of here, away from the prying eyes of her classmates and probably teachers. Shaking her head, Tracy took a deep breath and backed away from Chase. “Can I go with Cassie now?”

For the second time that week, Tracy could have sworn she saw tears in Chase’s eyes, but she pushed the thought away as she watched Chase nod in response to her question. Shifting her backpack to the other shoulder, Tracy ran back to her best friend. When she arrived, she allowed Cassie to engulf her in a hug. 

*

Chase gripped the steering wheel tightly and breathed a few deep, calming breaths. She had managed to drive away from the school so at least Tracy wouldn’t see her breakdown, but she only made it a few blocks before she had to pull over. Running her hands over her steering wheel, she allowed herself to remember when she had first bought this car and all the sweet memories of working on her project to restore it. It was a much simpler time to be sure, when only the Air Force had expectations of her. 

Still, she wouldn’t give up her family for anything in the world. It was true that things had been difficult recently, but that still didn’t mean she would turn her back on Tracy, not matter what her daughter did or said. That being said, Tracy’s rejection of her still hurt deeply, as she knew it should.

After catching her breath and keeping the tears at bay for now, she finally looked around to see where she had stopped. To her surprise, she had stopped her car directly in front of a church. She had noticed this church before on her frequent trips to and from Tracy’s school, but she had never ventured inside. The thought had crossed her mind once or twice, her mother’s voice ringing in the back of her head telling her to keep her faith. Chase believed that one does not need to attend church in order to believe, but she also knew that it helped to have a church for the community. 

She and Dr. Kate had discussed it once. Dr. Kate had been in favor of Chase finding a church for that reason, so that she could have a spiritual support system. Chase had to admit that her emotional support system had been significantly reduced recently and, although she had no one to blame but herself, she couldn’t help but feel somewhat abandoned.

Making a quick decision, she released the seatbelt and climbed out of the car. Her heart quickened in her chest and she could feel her skin chill as she entered the door, the sunlight behind her slipping away as it closed behind her. She hadn’t been in a church in years, not since she had listened to a very damning sermon about homosexuals. It had been the defining reason she had left, but Dr. Kate had insisted that not all churches were like that.

So, here she was, making an attempt. Not that she really believed that it would do much good, but at least she could tell Dr. Kate that she tried. Sighing, she dropped into one of the rows of benches, gazing up at the cross at the front. Her hand rose of its own accord, touching her forehead, middle of her chest, crossing to each side before resting back by her side. Years of habit came back to her as if it had been yesterday, she mused as she folded her hands together and actually bowed her head to pray. The last time she had prayed, it had been desperate pleas to get her and Arianna off that ship.

This time, she prayed for her family, for Tracy, Spencer…Sam and Arianna, too. All those that she loved, but most of all, she prayed for herself. That may have been selfish, but she felt like she really needed it right now. She needed help and she wasn’t ashamed to ask God for it, not this time. If it had helped before, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t help now.

Suddenly, she felt that she wasn’t alone, that someone was watching her. She raised her head and looked around, her gaze falling on a man standing in the aisle. He looked friendly enough with kind eyes and one of those collars she remembered that the priests wore with the black and small strip of white in the front. 

He smiled at her and motioned to the bench next to her. “May I?” he asked.

She shifted in her seat to give him more room and nodded. “Of course, Father,” she replied.

“I don’t believe I’ve seen you here before,” the priest started, holding out his hand to her. “I’m Phil, by the way.”

She felt her eyebrow rise by itself. “Phil?” she asked, unsure whether it was the name or the fact that he wanted her to call him something other than Father, which is how all the priests her mother’s church insisted to be addressed.

He nodded. “Yeah, that’s my name,” he replied, and she finally took his hand to shake. “What’s yours?”

Shaking her head, she withdrew her hand and looked away, back at the cross. “I’m not sure I want to tell you,” she replied with a sigh. 

“That’s okay,” Phil said with a small smile. It seemed that he didn’t want to push her, which was probably best as far as she was concerned. He turned and faced the front of the church as well. “God’s house is open to all,” he added softly, sounding as if he really believed it.

He probably did believe it, which Chase thought was part of the problem. If that was true…she sighed and shook her head. Might as well call him on it. “Is it really?” she asked softly, folding her arms across her chest. 

“What do you mean?” he asked, turning back to look at her.

Her heart began pounding so hard in chest that she was sure he had to hear it. Could she say what she meant? He didn’t know who she was, so could it come back to haunt her? Well, if she never asked, would she ever know if Dr. Kate was right?

Steeling herself, she drew in a deep breath and turned to look at him. His eyes did look so very kind, she thought as she opened her mouth and let the words spill out in a whisper, “I’m gay.”

“Ah,” he replied, nodding his head and granting her a small smile. “I understand why you would be cautious, but you have nothing to fear here.”

She shook her head, still not sure. “I thought…I mean, I always heard that the Bible says…” she trailed off, actually not sure what exactly she had heard.

He nodded, suddenly looking very sad. “I know, Christianity doesn’t have the best reputation in the gay community. All I can say is that you won’t find that hatred or discrimination with me.” He watched her closely as she felt the tears prick her eyes. Had she stayed away all this time for nothing? Or had things really changed in her years of absence? “Is there something else bothering you? I get the impression that wasn’t the only reason you came in.”

She thought about it for a minute before drawing in another deep breath. “My life is…complicated,” she finally allowed, being as vague as possible before more came tumbling out in a rush. “My daughter would rather be with anyone but me, the person I love refuses to speak with me, and I have to decide where to go from here.” 

She looked at him, realizing that part of her had missed confession after all – or at least the idea of it. Of course, therapy was very similar, only there were some subtle differences. Perhaps needed differences, she thought to herself, still wondering why she said all those things.

Silence permeated for a few moments as she assumed he decided what to address first from her revelations. Finally, he asked quietly, “How old is your daughter?”

She hadn’t expected that question. Still, what harm could it do? “Thirteen. Thirteen-year-old who thinks that she’s grown.”

He chuckled. “I’ve found that’s usually the case,” he replied with a smile.

“Um…you have kids?” she asked, her gaze flashing to the collar and back to his face. 

That earned a burst of laughter from the priest, who shook his head and responded, “No, but I am the youth pastor here. You could say I have about 20 teenagers that I get to borrow twice a week.”

The response made Chase smile, feeling as if muscles in her face were being used that hadn’t been touched in weeks. It felt…nice. A youth pastor. That wasn’t what she expected, but she found it was a pleasant surprise. Maybe he understood more than she thought he would.

Still, pangs of anxiety rang out in her head. Just because this conversation was going well did not mean that she could trust this man. She still had her job to think about and she had shared something with him that could ruin her if it got out. 

“As a youth pastor, are you still bound by those rules of confidentiality?” she asked, knowing full well if the answer was no there was no reason to stay.

He tipped his head towards her and answered her question with one of his own, “Is this a confession?”

She shrugged. “If I say yes, then will you keep my secret as a condition of your oath as a priest?”

“Your secret?” he asked, folding his arms over his chest. “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he added with a small smile.

“Yes,” she said softly, looking down at her hands. “I want this to be a confession,” she added, in case he didn’t understand to what she was agreeing.

He nodded, his smile lost and a serious expression falling over his face. “Then it will be,” he assured her. “What is it that you would like to confess?”

“Chase,” she said softly, glancing up at him and smiling a little. 

He looked confused, and she couldn’t blame him. “Chase?” he repeated, questioning.

“It’s my name,” she explained.

“Ah,” he answered with a smile, holding out his hand again. “Nice to meet you, Chase.”

*

Laughter carried from the living room to where Janet was drying the dishes from dinner. She had been invited to play the game, but declined, saying that she needed to clean up, insisting that she didn’t need any help. In truth, she wanted some time alone to think for a moment without two teenage girls distracting her. Cassie had also insisted that she wanted Sam to come over for dinner, and the addition of their guest, although Sam was always welcome, had made Janet even more uncomfortable. So, she had sent Sam into the living room with the girls, promising to join them when she finished.

It was the look on Chase’s face at the school that was bothering her so much, haunting her, really. It didn’t matter that Chase had made a mistake, she didn’t deserve the way Tracy was treating her. Janet knew that Chase was a good parent. She had observed it too many times for it not to be true. Janet couldn’t imagine how she would feel if Cassie treated her the way that Tracy was treating Chase right now.

These feelings confused Janet because she still was very upset with Chase for how she had hurt Sam. Still, Janet couldn’t help feeling this way and she couldn’t help thinking about it. She supposed it would affect Cassie – was currently affecting Cassie, actually, because it affected Tracy and those two were attached at the hip, now more than ever. What was she going to do?

“Penny.” Janet nearly jumped at the voice behind her that seemed to come out of nowhere. Apparently Sam had come back into the room without Janet noticing, too lost in her own thoughts.

Janet turned and placed the last of the dishes away in a cabinet. “What?” she asked, trying to pretend that Sam hadn’t startled her.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Sam replied. Janet didn’t like the way Sam’s clear blue eyes seemed to bore into her, as if Sam knew what Janet had been thinking about.

Sighing, Janet shook her head and leaned against the island counter, facing Sam. “Nothing much, just thinking about the girls,” she replied, reasoning that it wasn’t exactly a lie. “I don’t think that Tracy can spend the night. I should probably call Chase.”

Sam nodded and glanced back toward the living room. “Yeah, after what she told us at dinner, I think it would be better if she were with Chase tonight. That way they can just go straight to the lawyer’s office in the morning.”

That bothered Janet, too. It seemed to her that Chloe was running away, not that she would ever say that in front of Tracy. The girl was already having difficulty dealing with the situation. That much was clear just by looking at her lately, not to mention hearing her talk.

Janet drew in a deep, shuddering breath and looked down at her hands. “Sam…” she started, unsure what she wanted to say, if anything at all, about what she had been thinking before Sam entered the room.

She looked up, but noticed that Sam didn’t seem like she was paying attention at all. Her gaze was still on the girls in the other room, but from the look on her face, her thoughts were somewhere else entirely. Not that Janet blamed her. Things hadn’t been easy for Sam recently, either.

Going to stand beside her friend, Janet laid a comforting hand on Sam’s shoulder and squeezed lightly. That garnered her Sam’s attention, or at least eye contact. Janet’s lips curved upward slightly as she asked, “Penny?”

That earned a little chuckle from Sam and a shake of her head. “Touché,” she replied softly, leaning against her friend lightly. Janet waited to see if Sam would actually respond. After a few moments of silence, her patience was rewarded. “What is Chloe like?” Sam asked in a whisper.

“Chloe?” Janet asked, wondering why Sam wanted to know about her. Still, she answered, “Chloe is one of the most self-centered, paranoid people I have ever met. She wants to control everything and everyone and when it doesn’t work, she acts out. It’s almost like having another whiny teenager on your hands.”

“Then why…” Sam trailed off.

Janet shrugged. “If nothing else, Chloe was a good mother. A bit obsessive at times, but she took good care of Tracy most of the time. Tracy was her world. Which is why I can’t believe…”

“She would do this,” Sam finished for her.

“Yeah,” Janet agreed, crossing her arms over her chest. 

“What…” Sam asked quietly, hesitating for a moment. “What does she look like?”

Look like? Janet wondered why Sam would want to know what Chloe looked like. Unless…oh. Oh, oh, oh. Sam was thinking she had seen Chloe recently, but never having met Chloe, she couldn’t know for sure.

Janet nodded towards the living room. “I’ll show you,” she replied softly.

They walked past the girls who were currently engrossed in their game, although Janet knew the presence of the adults had most likely not gone unnoticed. Janet took out a photo album and flipped to a specific page. She handed the book to Sam and pointed to one specific picture.

“It’s a couple of years old, but that’s her.” The picture was taken at a class trip that Janet had volunteered as a chaperone. So had Chloe, and she was in a few of the pictures with Tracy and Cassie. Janet watched Sam closely. Sam’s eyes locked with Janet’s after only a few moments and Sam closed the book, handing it back to Janet.

There was no doubt in Janet’s mind now that Sam had seen Chloe before, and it wasn’t too hard to assume where. “I thought she looked familiar,” Sam finally stated, her tone flat. “She looks…” her eyes closed and she shook her head before continuing, “Like Tracy.”

“Yeah, they do look alike, don’t they?” Janet replied, placing the photo album back on the shelf before steering Sam back into the kitchen. Sam looked like she was going to be sick at her sudden realization, and Janet did not think it would be a good idea to discuss it in the same room as the girls.

“Sam,” Janet said, reaching for the tissues and offering Sam the box. Sam didn’t look as if she was going to cry, though. She just looked…stunned.

“I…I don’t know what I thought, Janet,” she whispered, her eyes glued to the tabletop. She had already slid into one of the chairs around the kitchen table.

Janet sat in a chair beside her friend, rubbing her back in slow circles. “Me, either,” she agreed, sighing deeply. “But I have to admit, this makes more sense than Chase bringing some random woman home.”

“More sense,” Sam echoed, shaking her head. “Maybe, but what does this mean?”

“Sam,” Janet started, laying her hand on Sam’s arm that rested on the table, causing Sam to look over at her. “I’ve already told you how manipulative Chloe can be. You don’t think that maybe…I don’t know, she’s the one to blame for this?”

She seemed to consider this for a moment, blinking a few times and watching Janet’s face closely. Finally, she closed her eyes and nodded. “It was definitely Chloe,” she stated, as if remembering details she hadn’t thought about before. “Why would Chase…”

Janet shrugged. “Chase had just returned from…” she closed her eyes and shook her head. She couldn’t believe they were having this conversation. “She’d been through a lot and was probably, I don’t know, wallowing or something. Chloe showed up and convinced her…” she trailed off, really not wanting to think about it.

Sam’s hands balled into fists on the table as she shook her head. “Does it matter? The result was still the same.”

“Does it matter?” Janet replied, squeezing Sam’s arm again. “Of course it matters, Sam. The question is how does it matter to you?”

“I don’t know,” was Sam’s hushed reply. “I need to think about it,” she added before pushing away from the table and standing up. “Thank you for dinner, Janet. I should probably be going.”

Janet nodded, watching as Sam walked out of the room towards the front door. She probably should have expected that. It was a lot for Sam to take in, and Janet knew better than to push. However, now she had new information and it made her feel even more sorry for Chase than before. She didn’t know if that made a difference, though. She would have to figure all of that out later. Now she needed to call Chase and make sure Tracy got home.


	11. Chapter 11

Papers were signed and lawyers were satisfied, but Chase couldn’t help but feel there was something terribly wrong. Chloe felt wrong, Tracy felt wrong, all of this felt wrong somehow. She supposed that it wasn’t supposed to feel right, that the situation was just that horrible that nothing about it was supposed to feel “right” at all. That thought didn’t do anything to assuage her fears, though.

She watched quietly as Chloe and Tracy said their good-byes. Tracy looked as if she was about to hit something with her dark expression and piercing gaze, but she was as quiet as ever. Chase wanted to hit Chloe for her, but kept it at bay, knowing it would only make things worse.

Tracy was the one to end the good-byes by storming out the door. Chase attempted to follow her, but Chloe stopped her. “She won’t go far,” Chloe said with conviction. “She just needs to cool off for a minute.”

Chase considered this for a minute before shaking her head. “Maybe, but she’s my responsibility now. Good-bye, Chloe.”

“You think that it’s over now?” Chloe called after her, causing Chase to stop in her tracks, turning around to face her. “I will be back. You know that, right? This isn’t a permanent arrangement.”

Shaking her head, Chase took a step backwards, towards the door. “I’m hoping, for your sake and Tracy’s, that you mean it. Because as much as you don’t deserve it, she needs you.” Not giving Chloe a chance to respond, Chase went in search of her daughter. 

*

Chloe had been right about one thing. Tracy hadn’t gone far. Chase found her seated on a stone bench a few feet away from the lawyer’s office, her head down and her feet swinging slowly back and forth. She looked small and broken, which caused Chase’s heart to constrict painfully.

“Mind if I sit down?” she asked softly, not wanting to startle the girl.

Her only response was a shrug of Tracy’s shoulders. Figuring that was the only response she was going to get, Chase sat down slowly, keeping some distance between them. Given how Tracy had been acting recently, Chase didn’t want to push and make things worse.

It was Tracy who spoke first. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, wiping at her cheek, which made Chase wonder if she had been crying. That would be appropriate, given the situation, but Tracy might have been too proud to acknowledge the tears. Probably something she learned from Chase.

“Why are you sorry?” Chase asked, turning slightly to look at her.

“I don’t think what Mom did is your fault. Not anymore,” Tracy replied. She looked at Chase then and it was clear that there were unshed tears shimmering in her dark eyes. “Please don’t be mad at me.”

“Oh, sweetie, I’m not mad at you,” Chase was quick to respond. She drew an arm around Tracy’s shoulder and squeezed in a gentle hug. 

Tracy shook her head and actually nestled closer to Chase’s side. “Can we go home now?” she asked softly, muffled slightly by Chase’s shoulder.

“Of course,” Chase replied, part of her elated that Tracy had called Chase’s apartment home. “What would you say to pizza, popcorn, and movies for the rest of the day?”

Her daughter smiled at that and nodded as they stood. “Sounds good.”

*

“Mama, slow down,” Chase whined softly to her mother over the phone, glancing over at her sleeping daughter on the pull out couch. It had been a long few days in which she had decided she and Tracy could not share the small apartment full time, and she had begun looking for a house. She could understand her mother’s concern about being left out of the loop after Chase’s life had once again been turned upside down, but they really hadn’t talked very much even before Chase’s presumed death. 

She moved the phone to her other ear and drew in a deep, calming breath. Her mother was exhausting on a good day and utterly draining the others. This particular time, she was insisting that the “whole family” needed to be together for Chase’s birthday. However, Arianna was seriously talking about having the wedding either the day of or the day after. Chase’s “whole family”, which included her four older brothers, three sister-in-laws, seven nieces, four nephews, and her parents, didn’t need to crash Arianna’s wedding, too.

“Mama, please, I don’t have room for everyone. Even if I do find a house by my birthday, I’m sure it will only have room for you and Papa to stay and maybe Spencer. You can’t expect everyone to spring for hotel rooms, not to mention traveling with kids is difficult. Maybe it could just be you and Papa?” she asked, hopeful that her mother would see reason. Well, reason and Chase’s wishes to not see the whole family.

As far as Chase was concerned, her family was Spencer, Tracy, Arianna, Janet, Cassie, and possibly a few others at the SGC. Her parents hadn’t paid her much mind in the past few years. Christmas and birthday presents, an occasional phone call, but never long enough to really find out how she was. Ever since they had argued about Spencer’s choice of career, she and her parents never quite reconnected. However, she supposed her recent reported “brush” with death had changed at least her mother’s mind.

“Dios mio, bambina,” her mother replied, sounding rather exasperated with Chase as well. “Si, I suppose your father and I could tell your brothers you do not wish to see them.”

Damn that woman! She always excelled at pulling off the perfect guilt trip, one that tugged at Chase’s heartstrings like no other. Sighing, she shook her head and managed not to raise her voice, barely remembering there was a sleeping teenage girl in the living room. Closing her eyes, steadying her breathing, Chase answered softly, “You do that. Right now, I really would rather not have everyone here.” She sighed again and leaned against the island counter. “Por favor, let me heal my way.”

That seemed to at least make Mercedes Marks consider her reply, for she was quiet a moment. When she did finally speak, it was with softer tones, “All right, Chase. Just your father and I will come. We do wish to stay with you, if you have found a house and have room for us.”

Chase smiled and nodded, finally relaxing. “Gracias, Mama. I should have a house by that time.”

“De nada, bambina,” her mother replied. “I shall make arrangements and contact you by electronic mail with details.”

She rolled her eyes and barely contained a chuckle. “It’s called e-mail, Mother.”

*

“How’s the new job?” he asked as if things were normal, as if her life still wasn’t in such as state of utter turmoil that she thought she would scream if something didn’t level itself out. Just being at this barbeque was making her head spin. When did winter become spring and spring slowly start feeling like summer? She watched as her daughter tossed a football around with her best friend, Teal’c, Daniel, and Arianna. Sam and Janet sat on the other side of the deck, seemingly lost in their own conversation.

But Jack O’Neill wanted to talk to her. He wanted to know how she was doing, but he wouldn’t come right out and say it. Instead, he asked about her new position, the training gig he had helped her get. Well, if that’s the way he wanted it.

“The job is good,” she replied, not taking her eyes of the face of her daughter who seemed truly happy for the first time since her other mother had left. She was being honest, she did enjoy the job and the recruits provided for her really were exceptional, not she expected anything else. 

“Find a new place yet?” he asked before taking another swig of his beer. Chase took a sip of her iced tea, still wondering why he wanted to have a conversation when she was making it difficult.

She sighed, putting her drink down, continuing to watch Tracy because she couldn’t bear to glance towards Sam, but she felt her heart constrict anyway at the sound of her voice traveling across the small space. This was the closest they’d been since Sam had told her to stay out of her personal life. Chase had respected her request until tonight because Arianna practically begged her to come out, insisting they would continue to plan for the wedding and the bachelorette party. So far, there had been more party than planning and Chase was becoming tired.

In response to O’Neill’s question, though, she nodded. “Yeah, I put an offer on it this morning. Nice two-story house with three bedrooms and two bathrooms.” She smiled a little, having to admit to herself that the conversation was actually starting to make her feel a little better. “It has a small balcony and a fireplace. Tracy even likes it.”

“Good for you, Marks,” he replied, raising his bottle in her direction.

She narrowed her eyes at him, not really sure why she was suddenly feeling such animosity towards him in that moment. Maybe she wished it was someone else asking her these questions, being interested in her life. At any rate, she knew she didn’t want to be here, hadn’t wanted to come to the party, but here she was. Huffing, she shook her head and got up, looking down apologetically at O’Neill. Yeah, she was running away, but there was also another reason she had to get up. 

“Be right back,” she stated, as if that was enough to let him know she was headed inside to the bathroom.

When she got out, she was surprised to see Sam in the living room, in which only a single light had been turned on. She was also the only person in the room, which unnerved Chase a little. It made it seem that Sam was waiting to talk with her, which was absurd because it was Sam who had told Chase to stay away from her. 

Sam turned away from the window, turning to look at Chase for the first time since Chase had entered the room. She still took Chase’s breath away every time she saw her, which had definitely been more of a curse these past few months. It was a painful reminder now that Chase would never be able to have that relationship again. Part of her wanted to run away, but the other part wanted to run right into Sam’s arms, never to let go again.

She denied both of these impulses, staying put where she stood and wrapping her arms around herself. “Sam,” she stated in greeting, not quite knowing what to expect.

Nodding, Sam stepped closer and folded her arms across her chest, glancing over her shoulder out the window once more before turning back to Chase. “Look, Arianna is being very insistent about you and I working together on the bachelorette party.”

Chase rolled her eyes. “From our biggest adversary to our most ardent supporter,” she muttered, quoting herself from that night that seemed so long ago now. Everything seemed so long ago now.

“We could just give her what she wants,” Sam replied, looking completely serious. 

The idea baffled Chase. Maybe she had misunderstood. “Wait, what?”

“We could work together on the party. I mean, we can be civil, can’t we? We can get along enough to plan it, right?” Sam explained, arching an eyebrow in Chase’s direction. “What did you think I meant?”

Feeling her cheeks burn, Chase stuffed her hands into her pockets and shrugged. “It doesn’t matter,” she managed to reply, her gaze on her boots. Stupid, stupid, Chase. Of course that’s what Sam meant, not that they should get back together.

“So…can we work together?”

Chase nodded. “Of course we can.” She smiled a little and met Sam’s gaze. “Where do we start?”

*

They spent the next week working on that damn party. Sam came to Chase’s apartment, Chase went to Janet’s house (because apparently Sam was there most of the time these days), and they talked on the phone almost every night. Chase was curious about Sam’s work schedule, but she didn’t ask. She somehow sensed that personal topics were not allowed in their “getting along” to plan this party. 

All the time spent with Sam or talking with her on the phone made Chase’s heart ache all the more for what she had lost. Still, Chase did it because it was better than what she had before with no contact at all. There was still a chance that things could get better and that was why she kept holding on. She had to admit that Arianna had a brilliant idea forcing them to work together. Arianna was nothing if not persistent and she usually got what she wanted. Hopefully that would work to Chase’s advantage for once.

The night before the party Sam had asked Chase to come over to Janet’s house to go over some final details. When the door opened, though, Chase could tell there was something wrong. Janet’s eyes were red, her makeup smudged, and her expression gave Chase the distinct impression that something bad had recently happened.

First reaction Chase had was panic. “Janet? What happened? Is Sam okay?”

Janet looked at her for a long moment then shook her head and Chase watched as her lips formed a small, odd smile. “It’s always about Sam with you, isn’t it?” she asked with a hollow chuckle. 

Chase glanced down at her feet, which she bounced from one to the other uneasily. Shrugging, she raised her head and ran a shaky hand through her hair. “Sam called me and asked me to come here. She said to discuss some details on the party?”

“Oh,” Janet replied, shaking her head again. “Sam’s not here yet. I forgot she was coming.”

“Okay,” Chase replied, gesturing past Janet into the house. “May I come in?”

“No, now’s not a good time,” was the only answer she received before the door shut in her face. She took a small comfort in the fact that it wasn’t slammed, but shut softly. Whatever was happening, she didn’t think Janet was angry with her.

She turned to go, pulling out her phone to call Sam. Before she could even push the send button, though, the door behind her opened again. She turned back to see Colonel O’Neill, two bags in hand, closing the door behind him. He didn’t look very happy, either.

He cleared his throat, greeting her simply with a nod and his customary: “Marks”.

“Colonel,” she replied, her throat suddenly feeling quite dry.

It seemed that there was something hanging in the air, something unsaid, something with which he seemed to be wrestling. Maybe he was trying to decide if he should say anything to her about what had just happened. Or maybe she was imagining things.

Without another word, he took off down the path to the driveway, apparently headed for his pickup truck. After only a moment to decide, Chase followed him, only a step or two behind him. He wrenched open the door and tossed the bags inside before turning to face her. 

He held up his hand, causing Chase to stop a few feet from him, and he sighed deeply when he dropped his arm back to his side. “You don’t want to do that, Chase,” he said. She could tell it wasn’t a mistake that he used her first name.

She stuck her hands in her pocket and shrugged, looking back towards the house. “I don’t know, sir,” she replied before facing him again. “Janet looked pretty shook up…did something happen?”

Leaning against his truck, O’Neill stared past Chase, an odd look in his eyes. He crossed his arms over his chest and shook his head. “I messed up, Marks. Hurt her pretty bad.” He sighed and shook his head again. “I should go.”

“Jack,” she said quietly, pointedly. She hated calling him by his first name (even when he had requested it), but this was a decidedly personal situation. As such, and given the fact that he had already used hers, it seemed appropriate. It garnered his attention, at least. “I’m not saying you have to tell me or anything, but if you wanted to, I wouldn’t judge. You never judged me.”

He fixed her with a hard stare, but the emotion behind it was lost to her. Finally, he shook his head and answered softly, “You cheated once, Marks. I kept doing it and that’s just asking to be caught.”

She shrugged. “I got caught.”

Smiling sadly, O’Neill shrugged and climbed into the truck. “Still. You take care of yourself, Marks. See you around.”

*

Her phone was ringing. As a rule, she didn’t usually answer it while she was driving, but she was running late. So she reached over, flipped it open and, without checking the ID, answered with a crisp, “Carter.”

“Sam, where are you?” 

“Yeah, sorry, Chase, I should be there in just a second. Had something last minute to take care of,” she replied as she turned onto Janet’s street.

“Well, just to warn you, something’s going on over here. I don’t think we’re going to be able to do any planning tonight.”

She pulled into Janet’s driveway, noticing Chase standing on the front porch, cell phone to her ear. Closing the phone and getting out of the car, she quickly made her way to the porch. Chase looked like she didn’t know what to do and her eyes were dark with what seemed like worry. “What happened?” Sam asked.

Chase shrugged, her head down and hands now in her pockets. “You should ask Janet,” she replied softly.

“I’m asking you,” Sam responded.

Before Chase could answer, though, the door behind them opened. Both of them turned, expecting to see Janet. However, it was Cassie who stood before them in her pajamas, her hair looking like she had just woke up. It was a school night, so it wasn’t a big stretch to assume that she had been sleeping. The question was, why was she awake now.

She looked at both the women on the porch before motioning them inside. “Something’s wrong with Mom.”

They followed her into the house and to Janet’s room, where Cassie said good-bye. She headed to her own room, shutting the door behind her. Sam knocked lightly on the doorframe of Janet’s room. The doctor looked up quickly, startled, with tears streaking her face. Her expression seemed to darken slightly for a moment, and she looked angry.

Shaking her head, Janet stood and walked to the door to her room. She looked at Chase. “I thought I told you not to come in.”

“Uh,” Chase responded, running a shaky hand through her hair. “Cassie invited us in.”

“Sam can come in. No offense, Chase, I’d rather not see you right now,” Janet stated, moving aside. Sam glanced at Chase before stepping into the room.

Chase shrugged. “No, that’s okay. I’ll just head home.”

*

Janet closed the door after watching Chase head down the stairs and hearing the door close behind her. She wondered why Chase hadn’t protested, not even a little, but then she remembered Chase had been outside when Jack left. Not that she cared what they talked about…or so she told herself.

Turning back to her friend, she took a deep breath and sat on the bed, trying to ignore the current state of her room. She knew that Sam hadn’t missed the details such as the empty dresser drawer on the floor (Jack’s drawer – he hadn’t fully moved in, but he spent enough time at her place to warrant a drawer and some space in her closet) and random items strewn about that she had thrown at him during their argument. She felt childish about that now, and she was almost certain that was what had woken Cassie.

Sighing, she dropped her head into her hands. After a few quiet moments, she felt Sam sit down beside her and a soft hand placed on her shoulder. “What happened, Jan?”

She turned her head so that she was looking at her friend beside her, tears beginning to well up in her eyes again. Shaking her head, she sat up a little and brushed away the tears. “I confronted him. There were so many little things that didn’t add up and a feeling I couldn’t ignore.” Drawing in a deep breath, Janet glanced to the empty drawer again. “He didn’t even deny it. He’s been seeing some other woman. Said I didn’t know her, as if that makes it any better.”

“I’m sorry,” Sam said quietly, causing Janet’s gaze to return to her friend.

Janet felt her lips turn upward slightly in a sad, self-deprecating smile. “I don’t know why I keep choosing the same type of men. I thought…” she trailed off, sighing again.

“You thought he was different,” her friend finished for her, unsurprisingly. Sam knew Jack pretty well, too, although admittedly in a different context.

Nodding, Janet leaned over again, resting her elbows on her knees. “Maybe I should take a page from your book and go for women.”

Sam let out some kind of exasperated noise and shook her head. “As you’ve seen, that doesn’t make a difference.”

Shrugging, Janet looked over at her friend. “Well, maybe I’ll just become celibate. Raising a daughter might just be enough.”

“Jan, I know it feels that way now, but it will get better,” Sam assured her, squeezing her arm lightly. 

Janet shook her head again. “Maybe.” She sighed and looked back at her friend. “I’m sorry about the party. Maybe you should just have it without me. I don’t think I’ll feel much like celebrating.”

“I wish you wouldn’t let him ruin this for you. It could be a really good time. I think it could even help you.”

“How?”

“It could help to have some fun, to relax. Besides, you’ll be among friends,” Sam explained with a small smile. “Please don’t let him keep you from having a life.”

She snorted and shook her head. “You’re just saying that because you want to use my house.”

“Yeah, that has to be it,” Sam replied dryly, obviously sarcastic.

Letting out a small laugh, Janet pushed lightly against her friend and shook her head before she felt her smile disappear. “Okay, Sam, you win. I’ll go, but I can’t promise to enjoy myself.”

Sam flashed her a smile. “Oh, I think you will.”


	12. Chapter 12

The night of the party finally arrived. It was to start at a club for drinks, dancing, and some karaoke (Chase thought that was cliché, but apparently that was a request from the bride-to-be). Sam had agreed to be the designated driver and Arianna had insisted that it was just the four of them. Chase had thrown out some names of other women on the base, but Arianna had said she just wanted her “close friends”. Chase asked if she had any friends living out of state and Arianna had simply said something about women not really liking her.

They met up at Chase’s new place so that Janet could simply leave Cassie with Tracy, Spencer, and Chase’s parents. Apparently, they had something fun planned for the evening. When her mother had told her that, Chase immediately felt very grateful that her parents were there. That wasn’t to say Spencer wouldn’t have been good enough to entertain the girls, but it helped that her parents had generously deep pockets.

Arianna appeared to be having a wonderful time, Chase couldn’t help but notice as she weaved her way through the small crowd on the dance floor. She could have imagined it, but she could have sworn the cute bartender was watching her as she made her way towards the bar for another round of drinks. It seemed that Sam was watching her, too, but she tried to ignore that for the moment. Seated at the bar, nursing a soda, Sam did not look very pleased to be there.

Chase was torn between the smoky look the small, tattooed bartender was giving her (with all those tattoos, Chase assumed the woman had to be somewhat adventurous, which made her lips twitch into a smile as she approached) and the brooding, sulky gaze from her ex-girlfriend. Should she try to placate Sam or should she ignore her in favor of some good, old-fashioned flirting with a stranger?

“Hey,” Chase said, leaning against the bar and flashing the blonde behind it with a brilliant smile. What was it with her and blondes? 

“Looking pretty good out there,” the bartender replied, setting down a glass she had been drying. “Another round of the same?” she asked and reached for the mixer when Chase nodded. “So you ladies here for a party?” 

Nodding again, Chase turned briefly to see Arianna and Janet each dancing with an attractive man with huge grins all over their faces. She turned back to the bar and flashed another grin herself. “Bachelorette party for the redhead. For some reason she’s getting married tomorrow.”

The bartender arched a perfectly sculpted eyebrow as she began to pour the three drinks. “Some reason, huh?” she asked with what could only be described as a smirk. “I take it you’re not a romantic?”

Willing herself not to look down the bar at Sam and ignoring the screaming voice inside her head that just wanted to answer yes, Chase shook her head and reached for the drinks. “Hell, no,” she replied in her best sexy drawl, locking eyes with brilliant green ones.

“Hmm,” the woman replied, pushing her sleeves back and leaning forward. “Save me a dance? I get off at eleven.”

“Sure,” Chase responded, pushing back while precariously balancing the drinks as she turned to make her way back out to Arianna and Janet. She couldn’t miss the gaze of her ex-girlfriend, now seeming sad rather than sulky. Sighing, Chase stepped towards Sam, knowing things would just get worse if she kept ignoring her.

Sam watched as Chase placed the drinks back onto the bar, this time next to Sam, and slid into the stool beside her. “I am not drinking one of those,” Sam stated, pointing at the margaritas.

Chase chuckled and shook her head. “Nah, I know, designated driver,” she replied with a smile. “I was just wondering why you were sitting here all alone. Just because you’re not drinking doesn’t mean you can’t dance with us.”

“Oh, no,” Sam quickly replied, shaking her head and swirling the straw in her soda. “I do not dance.”

Tilting her head to the side, Chase considered Sam’s statement. It could mean several things other than the obvious. She found it difficult to believe that Sam couldn’t dance (since she had seen the way Sam’s body could move), but it was entirely possible that she just didn’t want to dance tonight. Trying not to read too much into Sam’s statement, Chase shook her head and smiled. “Well, will you be singing later then?”

Apparently the very thought caused Sam to nearly choke on her drink as she started coughing and furiously shaking her head. Chase laid a tentative hand on her back. “You okay?”

“No singing,” Sam practically gasped in response. “I suck at singing and there is no way I will do it in public, especially not stone-cold sober.”

“Oh,” Chase exclaimed, not expecting that response. She considered herself to be a good singer, but she didn’t want to get up tonight, not in front of Sam. Her nerves would definitely get the best of her if she tried. She just knew they would. “So, why did we pick this place?” she asked, suddenly wondering if Sam had known all along she wouldn’t be participating in at least this part of the evening.

Sam shrugged and offered Chase a small smile. “Because Arianna loves this kind of thing,” she replied easily.

*

It was very quickly becoming apparent that Chase was very flirty when she was drunk, which was something that Sam could have handled if she was the object of Chase’s flirtations. However, if anything, Chase was treating Sam the same as she would Arianna or Janet and flirting like crazy with the bartender. Did Chase even know the woman’s name? The unnecessary touching, eye contact, laughing, and talking were obvious and downright infuriating. Sam wouldn’t be surprised if she happened to look up to an empty bar, the two of them having snuck off to the bathroom or something.

Breathing deeply, she told herself to calm down. It wasn’t as if she had any right to tell Chase what to do since they hadn’t been together for months. Why did she even care with whom Chase decided to flirt? Why did it bother her that the bartender barely seemed legal enough to drink? Did any of this even concern her?

It didn’t help that Chase had chosen to wear the exact outfit that she had on their first date. The leather pants that fit her perfectly in all the right places and that white shirt that dipped in the front reminiscent of the dress those natives made her wear on their first mission together. Not to mention the knee-high boots that made Sam want to rip them off…this was not good.

Sliding off the chair, she made her way to the bathroom. It was, predictably, less than clean but still passable. She spent more time than was necessary looking at her reflection in the spotted mirror, her thoughts going in about a million different directions at one time. 

The door opened behind her and she turned only to lock gazes with the person she was trying not to see. Her mind spouted something off about irony, that’s really what it was, and she bit back a frustrated groan. Chase, however, seemed oblivious to Sam’s internal struggle. She marched right up to the sink beside Sam and flashed Sam a huge grin.

“Getting over-heated,” she explained, pulling her hair up into a loose ponytail before she reached for a paper towel. Turning on the water, she wet the towel and dabbed at the back of her neck with it. 

Sam shook her head and folded her arms across her chest. Why did Chase have this sort of effect on her? It wasn’t as if anything had changed in the past day or so and yet being in such close proximity to the clearly inebriated woman was causing Sam’s heart to beat unusually fast and a blush to creep up her cheeks. That coupled with the thoughts she was having about Chase’s boots while still at the bar made Sam even more uncomfortable.

Chase must have noticed something was wrong because her grin disappeared and she looked concerned. “What?” she asked and then glanced around at the otherwise empty bathroom. “Did I do something wrong?”

The answer Sam wanted to give was yes, but that wasn’t the truth. There wasn’t anything Chase had done – recently – that classified as wrong. Being attractive and flirting with the bartender did not qualify. Did it?

Huffing, Sam turned away and shook her head. “I just don’t understand why you have to flirt with the bartender,” she answered, instantly cringing when she heard herself say it. She sounded like a jealous girlfriend, which was not what she intended. “I mean,” she said, quickly trying to make it sound better, “You have no idea who could take notice.”

Chase looked at her as if she had suddenly sprouted two heads before breaking into a wide smile. “I think we’re safe here. No one knows we’re USAF. Besides, it’s just the bartender. I’m sure she flirts with everyone for better tips.” She tossed the towel into the garbage can and actually winked at Sam. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were jealous.”

“Why would I be jealous?” Sam spat in response, perhaps too quickly and with too much emotion. She could see in Chase’s eyes that her ex knew better.

Lifting an eyebrow, Chase regarded her closely before taking a step into Sam’s personal space. Sam felt the urge to back up, but that would probably just prove Chase’s point, so she stood her ground. “I assure you, there is no reason to be jealous. All it would take would be one word from you…” she trailed off, her gaze obviously landing on Sam’s lips before she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and stepped away. Opening her eyes again, she gave Sam one more look before moving towards the door.

Apparently, that was enough to break Sam’s reserve. Before she had even considered it, she had grabbed Chase’s arm, spun her around and pressed her against the door. She completed the movement with a hard, demanding kiss and wove her fingers into Chase’s soft hair. All rational thought seemed to have left her body and for the moment, when Chase began kissing her back, that was fine by her.

It was just the one kiss. Somehow, once they broke for air, neither one attempted it again. Sam figured Chase was probably stunned and couldn’t blame her. Sam had surprised herself, too. She felt as Chase moved forward again, this time melting her body into Sam’s in a tight hug as she buried her head in Sam’s shoulder. “I missed you,” she felt and heard Chase say into her ear.

Damn, what had she done? Sam asked herself even as she savored the feeling of holding Chase again. She felt like she was at war with herself. One part of her truly wanted this and wanted it desperately. The other part was terrified that if she let this happen, she would get hurt again. The question was, to which side should she listen?

Shaking her head, she pulled out of the embrace and offered Chase no explanation, not even when she saw the silent questions posed in those gorgeous eyes. “I’m sorry,” she whispered before moving past Chase out the door.

*

Chase stood there for a few moments feeling completely baffled. Again, had she done something wrong? Was there a reason Sam was running away from her? Her head swam with questions too fast for her to even attempt to answer any of them. It wasn’t long before she decided to ask Sam instead, her feet carrying her quickly out the door back into the main room of the club.

Once there, she couldn’t seem to find Sam anywhere. She wasn’t at the bar or on the dance floor with Arianna and Janet. There really wasn’t anywhere else to go inside, so logically, Chase felt her gaze drawn to the door to the parking lot before she headed that direction.

She spotted Sam immediately. She was leaning against her silver Volvo, watching the door to the club as if she was expecting Chase to follow her outside. She probably had expected this because she knew Chase pretty well. There was no way Chase was going to just let go what had happened without discussing it. Hell, she figured she deserved that much.

She went over to join Sam by the car, but stopped a few feet from her instead, giving Sam some space. Stuffing her hands into the pockets of her leather pants, Chase rocked back and forth a little on her heels as she said softly, “So…”

“So,” Sam echoed, sighing and looking down at the gravel beneath their feet. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why not?” Chase asked quietly, shrugging her shoulders. “I certainly didn’t mind.”

Chuckling, Sam shook her head. “Gives a wrong impression.”

“What impression? That you think I’m attractive? I think I already got that memo,” Chase replied with a grin.

Sam rolled her eyes and shook her head. She looked like she was trying to come up with an excuse or at least something that would end the conversation. Finally she said, “I still don’t know if I can trust you.”

Oh. That. Well, was there anything she could do about that? Maybe. She took a step closer and licked her lips. This could be the last chance she had so she may as well take it. “I don’t suppose it would help if I…” Losing her courage, she trailed off, looking away. 

Sam looked up and their eyes met. “If you what?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

Taking a deep breath, Chase tried again. “If I told you that I love you.”

“You love me?” Sam responded, but her expression did not appear pleased. In fact, she looked rather pissed as her eyes narrowed and she shook her head. “Did you love me when you cheated on me with Chloe?” 

Hearing Chloe’s name from Sam in this context felt like a knife had been plunged into Chase’s chest. She had assumed that Sam would figure out who it was with Chase that day, but to hear it like that and in the wake of Chase’s confession of love was a slap in the face. Sighing, she stepped back and gave Sam a small shrug.

“Yes,” she admitted softly, knowing it was the truth. “I knew then. I knew on that damn ship and even told Arianna to tell you if I didn’t make it back alive.” She knew bringing up the imprisonment would seem like a cop-out, like she was looking for sympathy, so she went on without letting Sam respond. “I just say it to give you the facts, but you also need to know that I was not myself. I have gone over that day countless times in my head, wondering how I could change things if I was given the chance. But I can’t change it. All I can do is promise that it will never happen again.”

“Not yourself? How were you not yourself?”

“I don’t think I need to tell you how trauma can fuck with a person,” she replied slowly, trying to ignore the phantom pains that erupted on her back at the mere thought of what had happened. She had to call them phantom pains because the gashes had healed and were only scars now. Scars don’t burn and cause stabbing pains. “I was messed up, Sam. When you…” she trailed off, not wanting to make it seem like she was blaming Sam for her infidelity. 

“When I what?” Sam insisted.

Chase sighed. “When you broke down in front of me, it scared me. I’m not saying it’s your fault. Dr. Kate and I have been working on my irrational thoughts, and I am ashamed to say that I pulled away from you for absolutely no logical reason except my own stupidity.”

“Are you saying that Chloe was somehow better for you at that time?”

“God, no. I’m saying I pulled away from you and left myself vulnerable. So after three days of being alone and lonely – again, my fault – I allowed her to take advantage of that. She was, and always will be, the worse decision I ever made. She was never good for me. The only good that came out of our relationship was Tracy.”

Sam seemed to consider this in silence for a few moments that seemed to stretch into eternity for Chase. Finally, she pushed off the car and motioned towards the club. “We should go back inside before Arianna starts looking for us.” 

Chase felt like her chest had caved in and she shut her eyes tightly. “I’ll be in shortly. Give me a minute?” she managed to reply as she started counting her breaths in her head, something Dr. Kate had taught her to do when she felt the panic coming in on her again. She felt like she had laid everything on the line and had been rejected, again. Which she could deal with eventually, but not right now.

“Sure,” Sam replied before Chase heard her footsteps in the gravel. They stopped and Chase assumed that Sam had gone back inside. She opened her eyes and drew in a deep, cleansing breath.

“Chase,” she heard from behind her, causing her to jump slightly as she turned. Sam stood a few feet from her. Apparently she hadn’t made it inside yet. “Please don’t think that I’m running away from the conversation. I just need some time to think, okay?”

She nodded in response. “Okay.”

*

Arianna watched from the bar as one of her friends walked back in the door. She and Chase had disappeared a while ago, apparently going outside. She hoped that something good had happened, like they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other, and they were happily on their way to being a couple again. Grinning, she walked over to Sam and threw an arm over her shoulder.

“Where’s Chase?” she asked, happily remaining in her delusion. She didn’t care that’s all it was until confirmed or denied. She was going to believe it until told otherwise.

Sam looked at her and smiled a little. “Outside. How much have you had to drink?”

Shrugging, Arianna brought her fresh glass to her lips and drank a generous amount. “Not enough,” she replied with a grin when she finished. “Why’s Chase outside?”

“She’s taking a minute. Said she was over-heated from all the dancing,” Sam replied as she extricated herself from Arianna’s grasp as Janet approached them.

“More dancing?” Arianna asked excitedly at the sight of her other friend. 

Janet laughed and shook her head. “Not me. I’m about worn out.”

Arianna pouted. “What? The night is still young!” She poked Sam in the side. “Hey, are you and Chase a thing again?” she asked, unable to wait any longer.

Janet seemed to find this question interesting as she also looked at Sam, appearing eager for her response.

The door opened behind them before Sam could answer. When Arianna turned to look at Chase, the expression on her face answered the question for her. It seemed that Chase wasn’t happy in the least, but when she saw Arianna, she attempted a smile.

“Hey,” She said softly in greeting. “What’s going on?”

If Arianna hadn’t known Chase as well as she thought, she would have missed the sad eyes and weary expression that she tried to cover with that smile. Well, Arianna would just have to do something to cheer Chase up again. “It’s karaoke time!” Arianna responded, grabbing Chase’s hand and dragging her away.

*

A few hours later, after a few rounds of Arianna’s (horrible) singing, Janet’s half-joking attempt, and Chase’s utter refusal to sing the songs Arianna picked out for her, the four of them stumbled (well, Sam didn’t stumble) back into Janet’s dark house. Chase wondered why Arianna hadn’t attempted to even ask Sam to sing, although she suspected there had been some sort of threat before that evening about it. Shaking it off, she tried to think about the next part of the evening.

Once again at Arianna’s insistence (Chase thought Arianna should have planned the whole party with as much input as she had in it), Sam and Chase had hired a male stripper. That was not something to which Chase was looking forward, but it was Arianna’s party. She had the cash that Sam had instructed her to give to Arianna only when the stripper arrived (or else Arianna would have likely spent or lost it), and at the sound of the doorbell, Chase was ready to give it to her.

“That’s odd,” Janet said, glancing at her watch. “He’s early.”

Something struck a chord with Chase as she heard the statement, but she couldn’t figure out what was bothering her. Then Janet opened the door to reveal someone who definitely wasn’t a stripper: Colonel Jack O’Neill. Seeing Janet’s expression darken, Chase flew to her side, ready to be a buffer or whatever was needed.

“I thought I told you to stay away from me,” Janet was saying, harshly.

Uh-oh, Chase thought. This couldn’t be anything good. “Janet, I’m sorry. Please can we talk?” O’Neill asked. Chase regarded him closely. She knew that he drank beer on a regular basis, but he definitely seemed extremely drunk now. 

“No,” she responded, gripping the door tightly, probably about to slam it in his face. Chase could see that going very badly because she didn’t think that would make him go away if Janet did that.

“Janet, may I try?” Chase asked quickly. “I’ll go outside and you can shut the door behind me.”

She shrugged, as if to say Chase could do what she wanted and Janet didn’t care. So Chase stepped outside, cringing as the door actually slammed behind her. 

*

Arianna was staring, Janet noticed as she turned around. Sighing, Janet brushed past the bachelorette into kitchen and forced a smile onto her face. She refused to let Jack’s intrusion ruin Arianna’s evening. Maybe she’d even take Sam’s advice and not let it ruin her good time, either. She could at least try.

Of course Arianna followed her, watching quietly as Janet pulled out snacks and more drinks, trying to distract herself by being a hostess. She didn’t know yet if Arianna would let her, but she kept going anyway. Finally, Janet ran out of steam, growing tired of the quiet, but obvious, stare from Arianna.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she said softly, not meeting Arianna’s gaze. She was slightly aware that Sam had entered the room as well, leaning against the doorframe, most likely standing by if Janet needed her.

Nodding, Arianna seemed to switch her focus, looking instead at the snacks that Janet had laid out on the island counter. “Okay,” she replied, picking up a baby carrot and smiling a little. “Thank you for everything, by the way. I don’t think I’ve said that yet. Have I?” she asked, obviously trying to distract them.

This time, Janet actually smiled as she shook her head. “No, you haven’t, but you’re more than welcome. It’s our pleasure.”

*

Chase grabbed O’Neill’s arm and dragged him away from the house. 

“Wha…Marks, what are you doing?”

“Trying to save my friend’s bachelorette party,” she responded, noticing for the first time Daniel and Teal’c leaning against Daniel’s black SUV parked in the driveway. 

Daniel jumped away from the vehicle at the sight of her, looking guilty. He ran a hand over his short hair. “Please don’t tell Arianna,” he begged. “I promised her we wouldn’t bother you ladies tonight.”

Chase shrugged. “I don’t think you did. What’s going on?”

“I have to talk with Janet,” O’Neill replied, his gaze on the house behind Chase.

She shook her head and looked at Daniel, who sighed. “Apparently Jack cheated on Janet, and she kicked him out. He seemed fine until a little while ago he started insisting that he has to talk with her.”

“How long have you guys been out here?” She asked. Daniel shrugged, looking guilty again. Letting out an exasperated groan, she lightly smacked O’Neill’s arm. “Colonel!”

“What?” 

“Can’t you just get back in the car and try to enjoy what’s left of your friend’s bachelor party?” She asked, hoping she looked as upset as she felt. Still, there was a part of her that felt sorry for him.

He shrugged and finally looked at her. “Will you talk to her for me? I mean, you understand, right?”

She felt like puking at that sentiment, but if it would make him go away… “Yes, I’ll talk with her,” she replied, not dignifying the other question with an answer.

He gave her small smile and patted her shoulder. “Thanks, Marks, you’re the best.”

“Sure I am, sir,” she replied, trying to sound the least sarcastic as she could as she helped him back to the SUV. 

After she’d closed the door behind him, she glanced over at Daniel, who seemed to be staring at her. “What?” 

“Are you really going to talk with Janet for him?” he asked, folding his arms over his chest. He was close enough for her notice the signs that he was drunk, too, not least of all the tequila she smelled on his breath when he talked.

She shrugged. “What do you care?” She had no intention of doing it, but she also was wondering why Daniel seemed so interested.

“Are you kidding? Of course I care. You and Arianna have become really close and now I’m wondering if I should even allow that.”

Cutting her eyes in his direction, she felt her fists clench and unclench at her sides. What the hell was he saying? “First of all, ‘allow it’? Since when do you have to ‘allow’ her friendships? What is this, the 1950s?”

He held up his hands, obviously seeing the error in his choice of words. “Whoa, whoa. I just meant that I’m concerned about the company she keeps.”

“Concerned about me?” she asked, stepping towards him. “Because I thought that was what you meant. Why do you need to be concerned about me, the person who saved her life?”

“You just seem to have an attitude that cheating is okay, and I hope that hasn’t rubbed off on her.”

If she hadn’t already been drunk, she could have probably let his words slide off her back because she knew they weren’t true. But her clouded mind plus the offense that he thought about her sent her over the edge, and she swung right at his face. That annoying face that she had wanted to punch ever since he suggested she should pretend to be a god.

Her fist collided with something hard, but it wasn’t Daniel’s face. She could tell by the way her hand erupted in immediate pain, her fingers bending at excruciatingly painful angles. Sure, punching someone would hurt, but not like this. She stepped back, taking in the massive form of Teal’c standing between her and Daniel as realization began to sink in at last. She had punched the former Jaffa’s very muscular and hard chest, which was why her hand hurt so much.

“Ow!” she gasped, cradling her hand to her chest. “What the hell, Teal’c?”

His eyebrow arched as if the answer was obvious. “DanielJackson is getting married tomorrow. It would be best if his face was not disfigured in any way.”

“So you decided to try and break my hand?” she asked, exaggerating slightly. She could tell the pain wasn’t as bad as a break, but she wasn’t about to tell him that right now.

He shrugged, if you could call the slight movement of shoulders a shrug. “It seemed the only option at the time,” he replied, his voice as calm as ever.

Seething quietly at her hurt pride and hand, Chase shook her head and glared at Daniel, who for his part did seem a little scared of her in that moment. That gave her a little satisfaction. “You’re not even worth it,” she huffed in his direction before heading back inside. She heard the SUV start and pull away just as she opened the door.

Three pairs of apparently concerned eyes were on her as soon as she walked inside. Holding up her uninjured hand, she waved dismissively at them. “It’s handled,” she said simply as she walked towards the kitchen for an ice pack.

“What happened to your hand?” 

Of course the doctor would notice her injury. Sighing deeply, she turned around to face Janet, who stood defiantly with her hands on her lips and looked greatly disappointed. Chase imagined Cassie had been on the receiving end of that look before. 

She shrugged. “I, um, accidentally punched Teal’c?” she offered, hoping that would be the end of it.

She should have known better. The living room erupted with questions that she couldn’t possibly hope to hear much less answer in all the confusion. Finally, Janet held her hands up to all parties and yelled, “Enough! Chase, in the kitchen so I can take a look at your hand. You two…” she trailed off, looking at Sam and Arianna, who appeared to be in stunned silence. “Wait for the stripper,” she finished calmly.

Doing as she was told, Chase went into the kitchen and sat down in one of the chairs around the table. She inspected her hand herself quickly, noticing that it had already begun to swell slightly and was still throbbing with pain. If she was very unlucky, she might have even fractured a finger or something.

“Now,” Janet said, sitting in the chair next to Chase and reaching for her hand, “What happened?”

Not looking at the doctor, but rather her bruised hand, as Janet inspected it, Chase answered, “I was actually trying to punch Daniel, but Teal’c got in the way.”

“Really?” Janet replied, but Chase couldn’t tell if she was surprised, angry, or understanding by her tone. “Well, I don’t think it’s broken, but you should probably have it x-rayed to be sure.”

Chase shook her head. “No, I’m fine, really. Can’t we just put some ice on it and forget it ever happened?”

Janet folded her arms over her chest and fixed Chase with what only could be described as her best doctor’s glare. “And if something is fractured? You’ll only make it worse by not getting it checked out.”

Holding up the injured hand, Chase replied, pointing with her good one, “No bones sticking out, my fingers aren’t bent at any odd angles. I’m pretty sure I’m okay.”

Rolling her eyes, Janet shook her head and shrugged. “It’s your choice, of course, but if the pain gets worse tomorrow, I will insist that you get x-rays.”

“Deal,” Chase replied, seeing it as her opening to forget about it until the next day. “Trust me, if it gets worse tomorrow, you’ll have no argument from me then.”

“Fine,” Janet said as she went to the freezer and brought an ice pack back to the Chase, who smiled up at her.

“Thanks.”

*

As the party drew to a close, Chase began to feel the urge to nod off. It had been a long time since she had stayed up this late and longer still when the late night involved alcohol. It was starting to make her feel old, she decided with a grunt of disapproval as she listened to Sam and Arianna discuss what happened next.

“I’m perfectly fine to drive you and Chase home,” Sam was saying, looking really frustrated with the bachelorette, who was insisting she did not want to go anywhere. 

Arianna shook her head. “Janet has invited me to stay in the guest room, and that’s fine with me,” she replied.

Rolling her eyes, Sam threw up her hands. “Fine, if that’s what you want.” She grabbed her purse and turned to Chase. “Are you ready?”

Under a glare like that, she had better say yes. All she managed to do was nod as she stood shakily to her feet. Sam was already out the door.

*

They rode in silence the short distance to Chase’s house. One of the many reasons she had picked it was the central location. It wasn’t far from the base, Janet’s house, or Arianna and Daniel’s apartment. It was just an added bonus that Sam lived only about a block away. It was close enough for Tracy and Cassie to walk to either Janet’s or Sam’s.

When Sam pulled into the driveway, she merely put the car in park and stared through the windshield. Chase fooled with her seatbelt, finally getting it to realize before glancing at her driver briefly. “Thanks,” Chase whispered before opening the door and stumbling to her feet.

She heard the car shut off and the headlights went dark as she walked past them towards her front door. Pausing, she watched as Sam got out and moved so that she was holding Chase’s arm, most likely for stability. “Come on,” she said softly, steering them both to the door, where she took Chase’s keys and let them inside.

It was dark inside as well, with only the flickering of the TV from the living room providing minimal lighting. Chase glanced to the sofa bed, where the prone form of her brother appeared to be sleeping. She turned to look back at Sam, only to find her by the foot of the stairs, watching Chase expectantly. Okay, so apparently Sam was going to make sure Chase made it up the stairs safely, too. Not that Chase minded in the least, but she was a little curious as to what sparked this apparent sudden need for Sam to behave like such a gentlewoman. 

*

They stepped into Chase’s room, the first Sam had seen of it. She stopped a few steps past the door, taking it all in from the family pictures on the dresser to the paintings and sketches (Tracy’s, of course) on the walls. Some she had seen before, at Chase’s apartment and some were new. It was all very Chase.

Sam’s gaze settled on Chase’s bed, realizing with a start that it was unfamiliar to her. She glanced over at Chase, who had just emerged from the master bath, now clad in her usual bed attire – a tank top and boxers. Swallowing hard, Sam tried to ignore Chase’s change in clothes (and lack of a bra) and she asked, “New bed?”

“Yeah,” Chase replied and ran a hand through her now loose hair. She looked surprised that Sam was still there. It was surprising to Sam, too, but she felt no desire to leave. “I splurged on one of those memory foam mattresses. My old bed is in the guest room.”

Sam nodded. “Makes sense.”

Chase gestured to the bed with a small smile. “Why don’t you try it out? It’s really comfortable.”

Hesitating, Sam glanced behind her, towards the door, which she had at least closed on the way in just in case a topic came up that they didn’t want to be overheard. Still, seeing it made her feel even more uncomfortable, almost as if she wanted something to happen just by making the move to close it. It had been a reflex, and she didn’t want to open it now. “I don’t know,” she finally replied, looking back at the bed as Chase pulled back the covers and sat down.

Chase shrugged. “It’s no big deal, Sam. Like trying out a mattress at the store.”

Except the store isn’t in your bedroom, she felt like saying in return, but she kept quiet. Instead, she sat gingerly on the side closest to her, furthest from Chase. Oh, that was soft. Removing her shoes, she laid down flat trying to ignore the woman on the other side who was currently rubbing lotion onto her legs.

“You’re right,” she said softly, closing her eyes. “Very comfortable.”

“Told you,” was the snarky reply.

Sam groaned and ran her hands over her face slowly. “I don’t want to move.”

She heard, but didn’t feel, Chase slide down to a prone position and had a fleeting thought about truth in advertising about these beds. 

“Then don’t,” Chase replied in a whisper, her voice sounding smooth and liquid. Damn her, Sam thought. This was her plan all along, asking Sam to “try out” the bed. It was nothing like being in the store.

Although the idea of staying sounded like it could end very badly, Sam realized she really didn’t have the energy to get up and walk out. It was possible Chase wouldn’t even remember this in the morning with all the alcohol she had consumed that night. It was also possible that they could sleep next to each other like platonic friends. Maybe not, her brain told her. She sighed deeply and rolled over onto her side to face Chase, opening her eyes.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she whispered.

Chase moved onto her side, clutching her pillow under her head. They were close enough to touch, but each stayed on their own side. She probably didn’t want to push Sam in any way to make a decision about staying. “Why not?”

Sighing again, Sam closed her eyes and fought a battle with herself. Oh, what the hell, she finally thought. May as well be completely honest here. Chase had been earlier that night. “Because I love you, too,” she confessed softly.

She opened her eyes to see Chase flash her a brilliant grin. “I fail to see the problem here,” she replied.

“The problem is that I don’t know if that’s enough. I’ve known that for a long time. I’m the one who said it before, remember?”

Chase nodded, looking suddenly sober. “Course I remember,” she said softly, sadly, a far away look in her eyes. “I was going to say yes, you know.”

“What?” Sam asked, not following Chase’s line of thought.

“To moving in with you,” Chase explained. “I was going to tell you after that mission.”

“Oh,” was all Sam could think of to say. That was certainly news to her. It felt good t know, even if it could no longer happen now that Chase had her own house.

There were a few moments of silence after that and Sam was beginning to suspect that Chase had actually fallen asleep. She began to tell herself she was going to get up and leave, but her body refused to cooperate with her. Chase was the one to break the silence at last. “Okay, I’m going to turn the light out. You can stay or go, it’s up to you, but I’m going to sleep.”

Sam grinned to herself as Chase rolled over and turned off the light, staying with her back to her. Sam was so tired. Surely staying here would be better than driving back to her house half-asleep. That was the last thing she remembered thinking before drifting into a blissful sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

Warm, bright rays from the sun pressed against Sam’s eyelids, begging her to wake. Groaning, she brought a hand up to shield her vision before cracking one eye slowly open. She found the source of the offensive light almost immediately – the twin French doors that led to the balcony. 

Chase really needs to buy some curtains, she thoughts before lazily closing her eyes and pulling the woman in her arms closer. Then it hit her and her eyes flew open in alarm. Chase? Curtains? What was she doing?

Gazing down at the still sleeping woman in her arms, Sam marveled at how content she felt as she watched Chase sleep so peacefully. It only lasted a moment, though, before doubt began to slip in her mind. As much as she wanted to stay, that was a conversation for which she was not ready.

So she gently slipped out from under Chase, relieved when Chase didn’t wake. Instead, the still sleeping woman tightened her hold on the pillow and curled her body around it. It took everything in Sam not to get back in that bed and cuddle with Chase again. Drawing a deep breath, Sam grabbed her shoes and left the room, sneaking down the stairs to the front door.

Her hand was on the doorknob when a voice stopped her. “Sam?”

It was a sleepy voice, but one she had grown to know well. She smiled a little and turned to face the teen. Tracy was standing at the top of the stairs, yawning openly.

“Good morning, Tracy,” Sam greeted her, hoping this conversation wouldn’t take long.

“Did you…stay here last night?” Tracy asked, looking quite pleased at the thought.

Sam shrugged. “It was late when I brought Chase home, and I was tired…” she trailed off at the sight of Tracy’s broad grin. “Look, Tracy, I’ve got to go. Please don’t mention this to anyone.”

“Sure,” Tracy replied, her smile vanished. Sam knew Chase had ingrained the importance of secrecy into Tracy due to ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’. When the teen promised silence, Sam had no doubt it would be kept quiet.

“Thanks,” Sam replied before walking out the door.

*

Mercedes watched as the girl she had recently accepted as a grandchild spoke with the Air Force major, whom Mercedes now realized was Chase’s girlfriend. She had to admit, Chase was very good at hiding this relationship because Mercedes hadn’t suspected a thing. This was unlike the suspicions she had with Tracy’s mother, but the blame for that was definitely on Chloe. Still, Mercedes didn’t think anyone but her had suspected.

Taking a deep breath, Mercedes waited until Tracy had disappeared into her room before she moved to the closed door to her daughter’s bedroom and knocked.

“Give me a few more minutes, Tracy,” she heard come, muffled, from within.

Shaking her head, Mercedes drew in a deep breath. “Chase, hija, may I come in?”

*

That wasn’t Tracy’s voice. In fact, it sounded very much like…Chase flipped onto her back and groaned at the headache that threatened to split her head open. She really should invite her mother in, but she was too busy attempting to stop the pain by squeezing her eyes shut, trying to block out the world. No, that wouldn’t work, she finally admitted to herself.

“Come in, Mama,” she called as quietly as she could that would still carry through the door.

Her mother entered the room, so apparently she had heard it. She squinted up her mother and attempted a weak smile. “Morning,” she managed to croak as Mercedes sat gingerly on the edge of the bed.

“You look terrible, hija,” Mercedes commented, pressing the back of her hand to Chase’s forehead.

Chase squirmed and swatted her mother’s hand away with a smile on her face. “Mama, I’m hung-over, not sick.”

Making a face, Mercedes lowered her hand and shook her head, looking like the stereotypical disapproving mother. She sighed and folded her hands demurely in her lap, a classic sign that she wanted to discuss something uncomfortable. Chase sat up a little straighter and waited. “Chase, I do not wish to intrude…”

“Of course you do,” Chase quipped, pretending she didn’t notice her mother’s glare by hiding a huge yawn with her arm before smiling widely. She patted her mother’s arm and said gently, “But I don’t mind. Please, continue.”

Mercedes cleared her throat and continued, “But…do you really wish for your father to know about your girlfriend?”

That question certainly stunned Chase, causing her to stare dumb-founded at her mother, who was currently fidgeting slightly, not meeting Chase’s gaze. They had never talked about this and Chase had – mistakenly, apparently – assumed that her mother was happily in the dark about her sexual orientation. Not only did this revelation startle her, the very calm delivery also shocked Chase. She had thought that if either parent were to bring up the subject with her, calm would be the last emotion she would have expected.

She coughed a little and shook her head, not exactly sure how to answer just yet, so she stalled for a moment. “Um…I’m really not sure how to answer that considering I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“Please, mi hija, I know a thing or two about love. I am not judging. I actually like Major Carter quite a bit – much more than Tracy’s mother – but I do not think your father would have the same reaction.”

Chase could feel her face growing hot and it had nothing to do with the alcohol leaving her system. Her mother had seen Sam leave, which meant it could have easily been her father. Apparently, that’s the admonition being given here. But…still, Sam wasn’t her girlfriend, not at the moment.

Sighing, she reached for her mother’s hand and finally earned eye contact when Mercedes raised her head. “Mama,” she started, squeezing her mother’s hand gently, “I appreciate what you’re trying to say, I do, but Sam isn’t my girlfriend. Not anymore, at least.”

“Anymore?” For her part, Mercedes did look considerably perplexed by this statement. Chase wondered exactly what her mother had witnessed that made her assume Chase and Sam were a couple. 

“Yeah, we broke up about six months ago now,” Chase replied with a sigh. “Last night was the first time we’d really talked about it.” She smiled a little as she confessed, “And I think there is a chance for us after all…”

Mercedes smiled and patted Chase’s hand. “I’m glad. Still, if your father had seen her this morning…”

Nodding, Chase drew in a deep breath and shook her head. “I know, Mama, I know. We’ll have to be more careful in the future. I’m sorry, I didn’t even think about anything last night because we didn’t…but you’re right, I’ll talk with Sam.”

“Thank you, hija,” her mother replied, leaning over and giving Chase an awkward side hug.

“Mama C!” They heard through the door, causing both women to grin at each other. Apparently Tracy was awake. Ever since Chloe left, Tracy had been trying to decide what to call Chase (because she was suddenly her only mother and “mom” was out of the question). It wasn’t until Chase’s parents were visiting that Tracy finally settled on Mama C, or MC for short. Chase loved it. “When are we going to the church?”

“Soon, Trace!” Chase called back, causing her mother to wince. “Oops, sorry,” Chase apologized for yelling in Mercedes’ ear.

“It is all right,” her mother replied as she stood. “I will tell her.”

“Thanks,” Chase said with a nod. “It’ll be about 20 minutes. I have to shower.”

*

They ended up taking two cars to the church even though Dominick and Mercedes had rented a minivan for the week. Spencer (under great protest) had agreed to ride with their parents, following Chase and the girls in her car. Chase had thought it was best since she had no desire to drive the minivan and no one else knew the way. Besides, there was no way she was going to be stuck at the church with only her parents’ ride in order to leave.

By the time they arrived, the sky had become dark and they could hear rumbling in the distance. It figured that Arianna would choose a stormy day on which to get married. It kind of made sense, Chase thought to herself with a touch of irony, considering all they had been through to get to this point. However, the small smile she had felt growing on her face disappeared the second she saw Daniel walking towards her car.

Sighing, she snagged Spencer by his shirtsleeve and pulled him back towards her as he tried to walk by. “Geez, sis, where’s the fire?” he hissed through his teeth before he followed her gaze and his expression softened.

She didn’t miss how he glanced down at her injured hand (still slightly swollen, red and purple in some places). Of course she had told him what had happened and it probably wasn’t lost on him that the person she had attempted to hit the night before was striding purposefully towards them. Shaking her head, she nodded towards the girls who were at the moment getting their dresses out from the car. Chase handed her own dress to Spencer. 

“Please take this and the girls in for me? I should only be a minute,” she said when Daniel stopped in front of her, looking like he didn’t know what to expect.

Unsurprisingly, Spencer nodded at her and, without another word, went to corral the teenage girls into the building. Tracy gave Chase a questioning look. Chase gave her daughter a small smile and motioned for her to follow Spencer and Chase’s parents into the church.

She turned back to Daniel, who immediately began talking (as if she expected anything else). “I wanted to apologize for what I said yesterday,” he began, his eyes down, avoiding her gaze. “I was drunk and wrong; I know that now.”

Chase let out a small laugh and shook her head. “You think that you’re so perfect, don’t you?”

“Excuse me?” he asked, lifting his eyes to meet hers. “I don’t…”

“Look,” she cut him off and stepped a little closer. Maybe she wanted to intimidate him or maybe she was just finally being honest and felt like she needed to be closer to do it. She wasn’t exactly sure, but it felt like the right move in the moment. It stopped his flow of words, at least. “I have never liked you. I always found you a little annoying at best and utterly infuriating at worst – like when it was your suggestion that made me pretend to be a god for a few weeks.”

He looked like he was about to say something, but she swiftly cut him off. “But I suppose, for Arianna’s sake, that I should attempt to get along with you, especially today.”

That statement apparently surprised him. Maybe he had been expecting an argument or the cold shoulder (which, she did kind of give that to him), but whatever he was expecting, it wasn’t this olive branch. He ended up nodding and holding out a hand for her to shake. “I can accept that,” he replied with a small smile. 

Rolling her eyes, she extended her right hand vertically to show him why she wouldn’t shake his and watched him cringe at the sight of her injury, as if he had forgotten. He retracted his hand and mumbled an apology. She shrugged. “Just forget it, Daniel. I already have,” she told him before starting to walk towards the church, signaling to him that their conversation was over.

*

“So you spent the night at Chase’s?” Arianna asked. She was currently in the room where later they would be getting into their dresses, fixing their hair, having their make-up done, and basically just getting ready for the biggest event in her life. So she was distracting herself from her nerves by asking Sam questions about her love life. 

Sam shrugged and sat down in one of the nice chairs. “It was no big deal. I was tired, we were talking, and I fell asleep.”

Arianna lifted an eyebrow, definitely suspicious of this answer. It was classic Sam, minimizing the importance of something. “Really? And what were you talking about?”

She knew Sam well enough to know the slight color appearing on her cheeks had nothing to do with the temperature of the room. “We, uh, talked about us.”

This caused Arianna to burst into an elated grin. “So there is an us!” she exclaimed happily. “Tell me everything.”

Sam shook her head and ran a shaky hand through her hair. “There really isn’t anything to tell,” she said as she sighed and looked away. “Okay, so I may have kissed her at the bar.”

“What?” Arianna exclaimed, leaning in. “Was that when you were outside?”

“No, right before, in the bathroom.”

Arianna wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Why the bathroom?”

Chuckling, Sam shook her head. “I didn’t plan it, it just kind of happened.”

“Okay, so then what?”

“Then I freaked out and ran outside.”

That took the buzz out of things. Sam, freaked out? “Why?” Arianna asked, laying a comforting hand on Sam’s, causing her friend to glance up at her.

“Because I don’t know if I can trust her. She told me she loves me, but that doesn’t mean she won’t cheat on me again,” Sam explained, once again looking down at her feet. “I don’t know, Arianna, I’m still torn.”

Not knowing how to respond to that, Arianna just scooted closer and wrapped her friend in a hug. She wanted to tell Sam that everything was going to be all right, that Chase would never hurt her again, but she didn’t have that kind of reassurance. Hell, she thought Chase would never do it the first time. 

“Arianna?” Sam said quietly into the silence.

“Yeah?” Arianna replied, pulling back to look into her friend’s eyes.

“Did Chase really ask you to tell me she loved me if she didn’t make it back alive?” Sam asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Arianna suspected that Sam already knew the answer to that question because why would Chase have told her that if it wasn’t true? But Arianna answered with a small smile and a nod anyway. “Yes, and I told her that we were both getting out of there.”

Sam’s lips curled into a small smile of her own. “Ever the optimist,” she stated, shaking her head. 

*

“Father Phil!” both girls erupted at the same time and rushed to meet the small man dressed in the usual black shirt with clerical collar for a priest. Spencer had not met the man yet, but his sister had told him about the church and the youth group, of which both Tracy and Cassie were now both members. He was glad that the girls’ dresses were safely tucked into garment bags or they would have most likely been dirty by now with how little they seemed to pay the clothing any mind.

Spencer walked more slowly than the girls, partly because he didn’t see what the excitement was about and partly because he felt he was getting old and lazy. Either way, he caught up with them eventually as they stood and chatted with their youth pastor. Spencer’s parents were behind him, being silent observers as they usually were with new situations. For that, at least, he was grateful. He didn’t feel like having any heart-to-hearts with them any time soon given their history of berating everything he did in life.

He held out a hand to the priest. “Spencer Marks,” he said, introducing himself.

Father Phil smiled and nodded as he shook Spencer’s hand with a firm grip. “Ah, yes, Chase’s brother. Tracy has told me a good deal about you.”

Spencer raised an eyebrow. That was interesting, but he decided not to comment, opting instead to introduce his parents. “My parents, Dominick and Mercedes Marks. They’re visiting from DC.”

“Of course,” Father Phil answered as if he already knew everything, which he probably did. Chase had probably told him about her visiting family before they came. “Where’s Chase?” the small man asked, looking around the group.

“She, ah, had to take care of something,” Mercedes answered. “Where shall we go?”

“Oh, the girls are the first room to the right. The bride and maid of honor are already inside. The rest of us will be meeting in the community room where the rehearsal brunch will be held,” Father Phil answered easily. “I can show you the way.”

“What about Mama C?” Tracy asked, glancing over her shoulder at the door. Spencer didn’t know when Tracy had started calling his sister that, but he found that he liked it. 

Father Phil smiled. “Would you and Cassie mind showing her the room?”

Tracy beamed, as if the youth pastor had entrusted her with a great honor. “No problem,” she said.

*

The talk with Daniel hadn’t been as hard as she thought it was going to be when she saw him approaching her with that determined look on his face. Chase hoped that was some sort of good sign that the rest of the day would go well. Squaring her shoulders, she entered the church and was immediately ushered into a room off of the main hallway by her teenage daughter.

Already inside the room were Arianna, Sam, and Cassie, all with smiles and talking excitedly about the day’s events. They were all still in casual clothes, since they still had to attend brunch and the actual wedding rehearsal before they changed into the formal attire for the ceremony. Chase still wished she could have at least helped to pick out her dress, but Arianna had arranged everything down to the last detail.

Arianna actually squealed when Chase entered the room. Chase noticed Sam’s slight eye roll at the noise, which caused Chase to smile despite herself as she accepted a squirming hug from the bride-to-be. “You’re here!” Arianna exclaimed, as if that was a surprise.

“Of course I’m here. I said I would be, didn’t I?” Chase replied, giving Arianna an exasperated look. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Arianna replied with a grin. “I wasn’t sure you’d actually show up given that you have to wear a dress,” she added with a wink.

It was Chase’s turn to roll her eyes before she scanned the room for her garment bag. She spotted it next to Tracy’s and Cassie’s. Spencer must have left it for her. “Well, anyone else and I wouldn’t be doing it,” Chase said honestly.

That caused Arianna to squeal and hug her again. Chase was getting tired of this already and wondered what she could do to make it stop. “I should go check on my team to see how they’re doing setting up. It’s okay that they join us for brunch, right?”

“Of course, of course,” Arianna replied with a wave. They had already discussed it before, but Chase wanted to make sure. Her team of recruits had been asked to help set up for the wedding reception and in return were invited guests. It had been Chase’s idea, to help cut down on some costs and a way to involve her slightly green recruits in team-building activities.

She just wished she could have spoken with Sam before leaving to check on them, but she could think of no excuse in front of Arianna and the girls. So she sighed and ducked out of the room, headed for the reception hall.

*

Upon entering the brightly lit room, Chase blinked a few times and smiled as she watched her team working on the various tasks to which she had assigned them. Elliot and Grogan were handling the ladders and decorations while Satterfield and Hailey had been told to set up the tables. When all that was finished, they were to work together on putting the chairs around the tables.

Although, something was wrong, Chase realized as she felt her smile falling. There were only three people in the room that she could see. Elliot, Grogan, and Satterfield were all where they should be, but where was Hailey? Chase didn’t see the small woman anywhere.

Sighing, she moved closer to the three workers, who smiled when they saw her approach. “Cap,” Elliot greeted her with a nod of his head.

She couldn’t help but grin at that one. When the team members first started using the nickname for her, she was confused because her first impression was that it was a sign of disrespect. That was not what she had come to expect from these new, fresh out of the Academy officers. Then Grogan had explained to her that the nickname came from a comic book. Apparently, Captain America had lovingly been referred to as “Cap” by his teammates. She had investigated and found this to be the case, deciding to allow the recruits to address her as such.

“Lieutenant,” she acknowledged him, glancing around the room and watching as he carefully dismounted a ladder. “Report.”

“Decorations are almost complete, ma’am,” he addressed her. 

“Any problems?” She asked, watching the looks that were being exchanged between the team members. What would they have to say about Hailey’s absence? She wondered. She hoped it was actually something readily explained, such as the woman was simply using the restroom.

Elliot seemed as if he wanted to say more, if the expression on his face was any indication, but he shook his head, not meeting her gaze. “No, ma’am,” he replied.

She glanced around the room again. They had done a wonderful job with the decorations, really. Silver and white balloons, streamers, and bells everywhere as well as the white lilies they were provided to adorn the tables. If she didn’t know better, she would say that they had hired professional decorators. Still, she had that nagging feeling in the back of her mind that wouldn’t quit.

“Where’s Hailey, Elliot?” Chase asked, turning back to the young man. She could tell that he swallowed hard at the question and his face was glistening with sweat. The sweat could be from his hard work, but she could still tell that he was uncomfortable with the question nonetheless.

He looked at the two remaining members of his team, who both shook their heads and shrugged at his gaze. Taking a deep breath, Elliot finally responded, “I don’t know, ma’am.”

“Satterfield,” Chase addressed the young woman to her left.

“Yes, ma’am?” Satterfield replied, seeming unable to meet Chase’s eyes herself.

“Did Hailey help you with the tables?”

Satterfield kept her gaze on the floor and Chase couldn’t help but think the BDUs the woman wore seemed too big, almost as if the obviously uncomfortable woman was not up to the task metaphorically. Chase knew that wasn’t true, but in the moment, Satterfield looked more like a little girl playing dress up than the officer she was.

“Well, Satterfield?” Chase pressed.

Shaking her head, Satterfield finally looked up and made eye contact. “No, ma’am,” she answered quietly, her voice shaking slightly.

Drawing in a deep breath, Chase let it out with a huff and crossed her arms over her chest. “All right. You three have done a wonderful job. Go ahead and get some food.”

“But…we’re not finished,” Grogan protested lightly.

Chase glared at him, noticing how his face turned a dark shade of pink in response. “Go get some food, Grogan,” Chase repeated sternly. “Hailey and I will finish up.”

Her three recruits nodded in unison, grabbed their BDU jackets from the makeshift stage, and headed out of the room. Sighing deeply, Chase resolved herself for the inevitable confrontation that was to come and set out in search of her missing team member.

*

There was some sort of supply room at the back of the reception hall. As Chase drew closer, she could hear some sounds emanating from within it. Sounds of someone – or someones – moving around, knocking things over and…was that giggling? Oh, Hailey, what are you up to? Chase wondered as she opened the door, hoping that her suspicions would not be confirmed.

No such luck, apparently, she discovered in the dim light as two figures jumped away from each other as soon as they heard Chase clear her throat. There was no questioning what had been going on. Hailey had been entangled with another woman in an intimate embrace and now they both staring at her, wide-eyed and looking guilty as hell. 

“Captain Marks,” Hailey whispered, her face the picture of regret and fear.

Chase took a brief moment to look at the other woman – who really, also looked barely more than a girl – with wild reddish brown hair, about the same height as Hailey (which was barely 4’9”, if Chase recalled correctly), and cheeks darkening noticeably, even in the dim light from the hall that filtered into the otherwise small and dark room. She looked somewhat familiar, but it was hard to tell with what little Chase could see. She wore a uniform, though – cadet, maybe? Could she be that cadet mentioned in Hailey’s file that caused the incident in which Hailey broke the nose of an upperclassman? 

The irony of the situation was not lost on Chase and she fought to bite back a smile she knew would be forming if she didn’t stop it. Clearing her throat again, this time for herself as much as the embarrassed women, Chase addressed her team member. “Lieutenant Hailey.”

Hailey stiffened to attention. “Yes, ma’am,” she answered clearly, although Chase heard a slight waver in her tone.

“Did you complete the task I assigned you?” Chase asked, choosing in that moment to ignore the scene she had interrupted entirely. That could be dealt with later, if at all. The rule was, after all, “don’t ask, don’t tell”. 

Confusion flashed across Hailey’s face, but she answered anyway, “Uh, no, ma’am.”

“Then by all means, let’s go finish,” Chase replied, turning so that she provided an exit for Hailey. “Then you may have some personal time,” Chase added as an after thought.

Nodding, Hailey quickly walked past Chase into the hall and looked around the room. She apparently quickly assessed what she needed to do because she moved to the chairs and began to place them around the tables without a word. Chase turned to the woman still in the shadows. “You’re welcome to help, cadet.”

She nodded and moved slowly out the door, watching Chase warily as she passed. Chase read her nameplate. Brown. Chloe Brown, if Chase remembered correctly from Hailey’s file (as if she could forget that name, she thought sardonically). Yes, this was the same cadet as Chase suspected. Sighing, she stuffed her hands into the pockets of her jeans as she watched Hailey and Brown (Hailey’s girlfriend, she supposed) work.

After a few contemplative moments, Chase began to help and in what seemed like no time at all, everything was completed. Hailey and Brown looked around the room, then back at Chase, probably for further instructions. What was she going to do? Thus far, the atmosphere had seemed electrically charged with what had gone unsaid. Chase could feel it and she assumed the younger women could feel it, too.

She could remember being their age, feeling as if life was something to be grabbed by the moment and making some reckless decisions of her own. However, she had never made the mistake of doing something like that while she was on duty. What could she say to impress upon her recruit the importance of being careful, especially in light of what could very well just have happened if it had been someone else to walk in on them in the supply room?

Sighing again, she motioned at Brown. “Go get something to eat, Cadet. I need a minute with Lieutenant Hailey.”

They exchanged a look that seemed one part terrified and one part confused. Hailey shook her head and motioned towards the door. Brown nodded and laid a hand on Hailey’s arm, squeezing gently. “See you later,” she said softly before turning to go.

Once she was gone, Hailey turned back to Chase, her back ramrod straight as she locked her hands by her sides in the familiar position of attention. Chase shook her head and pulled out two chairs. “Come here, Jennifer,” Chase said softly, sitting down.

Surprise filtered across Hailey’s features, most likely at the informal use of her first name by her commanding officer among other things, but she did as she was told. Not that Chase expected anything else. Apart from the recent indiscretion, Hailey had been the picture of a perfect Air Force officer from the moment Chase had first met her. Chase had even recommended to Colonel O’Neill that if anyone on the team was to get a spot at the SGC, it should be Hailey. Hailey, who reminded her so much Sam, but that part Chase hadn’t mentioned.

Taking a deep breath, Chase leaned back and folded her arms over her chest, regarding Hailey closely. “I’m not going to write you up,” Chase began slowly, trying to figure out what exactly she wanted to say, “But I expect in the future when I give an order, you will follow it before you do what you want to do.”

Hailey nodded, looking down at her hands folded neatly in her lap. “Yes, ma’am. I apologize.” She glanced up after a moment of silence, her eyes betraying her cool exterior. They still looked terrified. “May I ask…” she trailed off, shaking her head and looking down at her hands again. “Never mind.”

“You want to know why I’m not kicking you out?” Chase asked, feeling that she would also have the same question if their roles had been reversed. 

Hailey nodded again, but said nothing. She didn’t look up, either, but kept her gaze fully on her hands, which she looked like she was holding very tightly. Her knuckles looked like they were beginning to turn white and Chase was concerned Hailey might accidentally hurt herself if she squeezed any tighter.

“What you do on your own time is your business, Hailey,” Chase replied, leaning over and laying a hand on top of Hailey’s lightly, causing her to glance up at Chase. There was also the feeling that some of the tension in her hands was released momentarily as Chase patted her hands and moved back again. “Just make sure that you keep it on your own time and not on mine or the Air Force’s, okay?”

“I…” Hailey started, blinking a few times as Chase noticed Hailey’s shoulders slump slightly with what was probably relief. In fact, her whole body seemed to relax against the chair as Chase watched. “Thank you, ma’am,” she whispered with a small smile.

Chase shrugged. “I’m sure I don’t know what you’re thanking me for,” she replied, but she was unable to stop her smile in return. “Come on, Lieutenant,” she said, standing. “Let’s get something to eat.”

 

*  
A few long tables had been set out in the community room for the informal brunch. Several people were milling about by the time Chase and Hailey stepped inside. Chase noticed Brown glance over with a worried expression that softened as soon as she saw Hailey’s face. Without a word, Hailey went to sit in the empty seat beside her.

Sighing, Chase surveyed the tables to see where she was supposed to sit. Her breath caught momentarily as she noticed the one empty seat in the room appeared to be in between Sam and Arianna, with her parents across the table apparently engaged in pleasant conversation with the two women. Drawing in a deep, calming breath, Chase pushed away a thought at Arianna’s damn meddling and walked over to the table.

“Is this seat taken?” she joked as she sat down, causing the others at the table to smile and shake their heads.

“Took you long enough,” Arianna commented as she sipped some coffee. “I was beginning to wonder if we had to send a search party after you.”

Chase snorted and shook her head as she began to pile food onto her plate. “No, I just had something that I had to handle. Nothing major and everything’s good to go.”

Sam looked surprised at Chase’s reply, but said nothing as she continued to eat. Arianna shrugged. “Good to know,” she answered with a smile. “Meanwhile, we’ve been getting to know your parents.”

That could be good or bad, Chase mused to herself as she began to eat. She hadn’t realized how hungry she was, but now she felt suddenly famished. “Oh?” she managed to reply between bites.

“Yes, honey, Arianna was telling us that you saved her life and that was how you two became such good friends,” Mercedes answered from across the table. 

Honey? Chase wondered at the pet name as she gaped at her mother, her fork poised halfway to her mouth. Her mother had never been one to use pet names with her children and it unnerved Chase slightly. She glanced at her brother, who was seated on the other side of their mother, watching the conversation with apparent interest if the small smirk on his face was any indication. 

He must have felt her gaze because he gave her a little shrug. “I think Mother and Father have been pumping Arianna and Sam for information about you,” he remarked, earning glares from both their parents. He didn’t seem to mind in the least as he went back to his food. Of course, he had been on their parents’ bad sides for the better part of ten years, so he probably wouldn’t have to suffer the consequences of his interference later.

“Really?” Chase asked, turning her gaze back to her parents. “What, are you so surprised that I actually have female friends for once?” she asked, intending for it be teasing. She winced when she heard her tone, more accusing than playful.

That sparked a questioning, almost cautioning, look from her brother and she could have sworn from Sam, too, but it was gone before she could confirm it. Mercedes nearly choked on her food before glancing at Chase with a dark look. She could almost hear her mother saying, “What did I just tell you?”

Dominick, though, was the most surprising reaction of all. He laughed. Not a full belly laugh or a loud one, by any means. It was more of a chuckle, but he looked amused, nonetheless. Shaking his head, he smiled at his daughter and said, “Well, to be honest, yes. I was beginning to think Tracy’s mother was the only female friend you would ever have.”

Mercedes looked shocked at this answer, as if she had expected her husband to become angry or at least suspicious at their daughter’s behavior. Spencer seemed incredibly pleased as he watched the interactions with obvious interest. Chase snuck a glance at each of the women sitting beside her. Arianna had a big grin on her face, as she had orchestrated the entire discussion – which, hell, she probably had – but Sam, Sam’s face remained a mystery. It was obvious that she was paying attention, but she hadn’t said a word or interacted in any way.

Sighing, Chase pushed the food around on her plate, suddenly wondering where her hunger had gone. She felt like she should be pleased by the conversation and the fact that her father was obviously not suspecting anything about her (even bringing up Chloe, which shocked the hell out of her). Still, she couldn’t help but wonder what Sam was thinking beside her.


	14. Chapter 14

Arianna was hiding. Hiding quite effectively, apparently. She leaned her whole body on her hands against the sink and leaned forward, head between her arms. Glancing up, she met her own wide, frightened green eyes in the mirror. Her reflection seemed to dislike the idea of getting married as much as she did. Although she did consider herself gorgeous in the off-white, princess style dress, the thought of walking down that aisle with her arm in Teal’c’s as they had planned seemed almost impossible now.

Out of some stupid pride about her make-up, she had refused to cry, but her heart was beating so fast she feared it might burst out of her chest at any moment. She straightened and tried to control her breathing, all without losing eye contact with herself in the mirror. 

There was a sudden, overwhelming desire to see her parents – they would know what to do – but all that did was bring back the grief associated with their death in an airplane crash when she was in high school. It was, in fact, one of the things that she and Daniel had first discovered they had in common. She sighed and shook her head. Both of them being orphans just made this day more difficult.

She looked towards the door as she heard it open and watched as Chase stepped inside, her friend’s face lighting up upon seeing her. Apparently Chase had been recruited or had taken it upon herself to find Arianna. She made her way over to the sink and merely stood next to Arianna, her gaze seemingly on her own reflection.

Taking the moment of silence, Arianna inspected the dress she had chosen for Chase to wear as one of her bridesmaids. It was a simple, short dress with blue silky material covering her chest, a belt just below her breasts, which lead to a slightly poofy black skirt that stopped about an inch or so above her knees…okay, maybe not so “simple”, she told herself with a smile. Of course, Chase seemed to hate it, but then, Chase hated dresses in general.

“Second thoughts?” Chase finally asked, picking at her hair, which was pulled back in a bun with several strands hanging down in curls. Arianna could just tell Chase didn’t approve of the hair, either, but she couldn’t imagine Chase would say anything about either the dress or the hair out of respect for Arianna.

Shrugging, Arianna tried to act as if it wasn’t bothering her. This was, after all, a day she had been looking forward to most of her life. Why was she acting this way? “Nah, just wanted to get another look at myself before I walked down the aisle.”

Chase laughed, shook her head, and punched Arianna’s bare shoulder lightly. “Yeah, right,” she replied, looking as if she didn’t believe Arianna in the slightest.

“We can’t all be you, you know,” Arianna grumbled as she began fussing with her own hair and the tiara that rested on her head.

This comment was apparently enough to erase the smile from Chase’s features. “Me? What do you mean?”

Arianna gestured in Chase’s general direction. “You. You look fantastic in anything, have the perfect life, and know exactly what you want.”

Holding up her hands beside her in what appeared confusion, Chase leaned against the sink and shook her head. “What are you talking about? How is my life perfect? And I do not know exactly what I want.”

“Your life is so perfect, Chase!” Arianna retorted, hearing a whining quality to her voice that made her wince, but she kept going anyway, “You got full custody of Tracy without even asking, you have the perfect job at the SGC for you, and you’re back together with Sam. It’d say that’s pretty close to perfect.”

Chase folded her arms over her chest, and her eyes narrowed slightly. “I’m not back together with Sam, Arianna, and even if I was, my life is far from perfect.”

Arianna let out her breath in an exasperated gasp and fixed Chase with an annoyed look. So yeah, she was letting out her frustrations on her friend, but she was due a breakdown, wasn’t she? Damn, now she felt like a child, she thought before turning back to the mirror.

Sighing, Chase shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. Arianna, this day is about you. Why are you trying to make it about me?”

“Because I’m not so sure I want it to be about me anymore.”

*

“So did you find her?” Sam asked when Chase came back into the bridal room. It seemed that it was just Sam as Tracy and Cassie were nowhere to be seen.

Chase nodded before sinking into the chair beside Sam’s. “Yes, but I’m not sure it makes a difference.”

“Is she having second thoughts?” Sam asked quietly, watching Chase closely. 

It was all Chase could do to keep her eyes away from Sam’s stocking clad legs that were currently crossed towards her. Arianna had chosen the exact same dress for Sam except Sam’s was red instead of blue on top. Sam’s also had a little more of a V-neck than Chase’s, which gave a nice view of Sam’s cleavage as well, so that was another place Chase tried not to linger.

“Yes,” Chase answered the question, choosing to look down at her folded hands in her lap instead of anywhere close to the woman seated next to her. All she wanted was to just reach over and touch Sam, but she fought that desire with everything in her.

“Sounds normal,” Sam replied. 

Chase looked up, surprised. “Normal?”

Sam smiled and nodded as Chase struggled to keep her gaze on Sam’s face. “I hear it’s very normal for the bride to get cold feet the day of the wedding.”

Shrugging, Chase looked down again. “I don’t know. It seemed a little more than just cold feet.”

“I’m sure it’ll be okay. If not, you won’t have to stay in that dress much longer,” Sam teased her. 

Chase laughed lightly and shook her head. “Thanks for pointing out the bright side as always, Sam.”

“I’m here to help,” Sam quipped as she patted Chase’s hands lightly.

A few moments passed in relatively comfortable silence as Chase considered what she wanted to discuss next. She had told her mother she would talk with Sam, but did she really want to bring up the subject so soon when things were actually starting to feel better between them? Sighing, she shook her head and looked up, a little surprised to meet Sam’s intense gaze.

“Um, I did want to talk with you about something,” Chase started as she tugged her dress further down her legs uncomfortably.

“Okay, what’s that?” Sam asked.

“Well, apparently my mother saw you this morning before you left my house,” she said, hoping it would be like pulling off a Band-Aid – fast and quick was usually better.

Closing her eyes, Sam drew in a deep breath and shook her head. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I was trying to get out of there as fast as I could, but Tracy stopped me. We didn’t…well, I don’t think we said anything suspicious.”

“Apparently, my mother has ‘always known’ about me and she just figured it out. She wasn’t angry, though, just warned me to be more careful because my father wouldn’t be as understanding,” Chase said, taking a deep breath and leaning back in the chair. She couldn’t imagine the hell that would break loose if her father were to find out about her relationship with Sam. Not that there was anything for him to find out about at that moment, but still, it was a concern.

Sam seemed to be processing this by the expression on her face and her silence. Finally, she replied with a small smile, “So that sounds kind of nice, that your mother knows and wants to protect you.”

Chase shrugged. “Actually, yeah…and she likes you, so that’s cool if…you know, if we were to…” she trailed off, unsure why she couldn’t say the words. They were alone and the only people likely to walk in were people who already knew about them. Still, she found that she couldn’t shake her mother’s warning.

Smiling, Sam nodded and reached over to squeeze Chase’s hands tenderly. “We’ll talk about it soon.”

“Soon…” Chase repeated, but her mind was already distracted by something that had just occurred to her, something that was completely contrary to Arianna’s assertion that Chase had the perfect life.

*

Chase left the bridal room and jogged until she reached the bathroom in which she had earlier found Arianna. She hoped the doubting bride hadn’t already decided to call off the wedding. She flew into the door and it burst open, startling Arianna, who was still standing where Chase had last seen her.

“What the hell, Chase?” Arianna asked, glancing around with apparent worry. “Is the building on fire or something?”

Shaking her head back and forth, Chase shut the door behind her and locked it in one motion. She checked to make sure they were alone before she turned back to her friend and crossed her arms over her chest. “No, I was just hoping to catch you before you decided to run away.”

Looking extremely guilty, Arianna leaned against the wall and folded her own arms over her chest, seemingly unable to meet Chase’s gaze as she mumbled, “I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“The ‘big deal’ is what you’re willing to throw away just because you’re starting to get nervous!” Chase nearly shouted before she closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself. When she opened them, Arianna was staring at her with what looked like a shocked expression covering her face. Chase went on, a little quieter this time, “You say I have the perfect life, but you’re wrong.” She pointed to the door. “You can walk out there and marry the person you love. You have that choice. I don’t. Not only can I not marry the person I love, if the wrong person found out that I love her, I could lose my job, my career, possibly everything. So don’t you dare tell me I have a perfect life.”

They stood there in silence for a while, Chase really wasn’t sure how long, just staring at each other. Finally, Arianna sighed and dropped her arms down by her sides. “You’re right,” she commented softly before pushing off the wall and heading towards the door.

Chase’s eyes narrowed on her back. “Where are you going?” she asked, slightly confused.

When she reached the door, Arianna unlocked it and tugged it open, turning to look back at Chase with a smile. “To get married. Are you coming?”

*

Standing in the reception hall and watching Arianna and Daniel have their first dance as man and wife made the thoughts bubble back to Chase’s mind. The thoughts about how she could never have this, even if she wasn’t sure she even wanted it in the first place. Weddings had always seemed so…traditional to her. Before today, it hadn’t really been a big deal that she couldn’t have one. Still, after the beautiful ceremony that Arianna had planned, Chase couldn’t help but wonder if she did want this after all.

It wasn’t just the ceremony, either, for which Chase felt a sudden longing. The public recognition of Daniel and Arianna’s love, however cheesy that had sounded to Chase before tonight, was now something Chase felt she desired. How could her opinions have changed so drastically in the last twenty-four hours? Was it jealousy that her friend could have something she could not?

“Nice party,” she heard from behind her and startled slightly.

Turning to see who was talking to her, Chase grinned at the sight of her therapist in a pretty green, floor length dress. “Dr. Kate,” she said in greeting.

Dr. Kate smiled in response and came to stand beside her, apparently following Chase’s gaze. “They make a sweet couple,” she commented softly, turning her head to look at Chase. 

Chase nodded and smiled a little as she took a sip of the awful champagne Arianna had chosen. She suspected she kept drinking it just for something to do, something to keep her hands and mouth busy. “Yeah,” she replied, not really sure what else to say.

“You look…troubled,” Dr. Kate stated, her voice low and her gaze returning to the dance floor. 

Leave it to Dr. Kate to know her better than most. Still, as her therapist, that was likely to be expected. Chase shrugged. “Just thinking.”

“Of course,” Dr. Kate replied with a sigh. “Mind if I ask about what?”

“I just…” Chase replied softly, glancing around to make sure her comments wouldn’t be overheard. Still, she decided to be cautious, just in case. “I find myself wishing that I could have something like this.”

A small smile appeared on Dr. Kate’s soft features. “Ah,” she answered, her eyes sparkling a little and Chase had no doubt that the therapist knew exactly what Chase was saying.

Just then, a woman approached them. She was tall and thin, with long dark hair and wearing a similar dress to Dr. Kate’s, only hers was a light shade of blue and tied behind her neck. “Katie,” the woman said, obviously addressing the woman next to Chase, “Would you mind if we called it a night?”

Dr. Kate nodded. “Sure, dear,” she replied, turning to Chase. “Chase, this is my date, Elizabeth, and I’m sorry, but we really should be going.”

Surprised, Chase looked from Dr. Kate to Elizabeth and back again. Elizabeth held out her hand politely and Chase shook it, still feeling dumb-founded. Date? “I’m sorry, but I have an early flight in the morning,” Elizabeth explained with a smile as their hands dropped. She turned to Dr. Kate. “I’ll meet you by the door.”

“Okay, Liz,” Dr. Kate replied with a smile before turning to Chase. Elizabeth, as she had said, walked towards the exit. “Are you all right? You look like you might pass out at any minute.”

“Your…date?” Chase managed to get out, her eyes glued to Elizabeth’s retreating form.

Dr. Kate chuckled and shook her head as Chase turned to look at her. “Yes. Elizabeth and I have been seeing each other on and off for a while. I didn’t know she was going to be in town this weekend, but it turns out she was, so I asked her to be my date.”

Struggling to find the words to say, Chase merely stared at the woman next to her as if she had never seen her before. Finally, she decided on, “You know, it would have helped if I had known before.”

At this, Dr. Kate merely shrugged. “I know. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I shouldn’t do that I can’t see what I should. This information could have helped you to trust me sooner, I’m sure, but I didn’t see it at the time.” She sighed and took a step away from Chase, towards the door. “I’m sorry, Chase. If you don’t want to continue our sessions, I’ll understand.”

Chase shook her head. “I never said that.” She smiled a little. “You’ve helped me more than I thought anyone could,” she found herself admitting with a small smile. “It’s kind of nice to know that you really do understand.”

Shaking her head, Dr. Kate smiled again and glanced towards the door. “I’ll see you at our next session, then?” she asked.

“Of course,” Chase replied and watched the woman go.

*

She had to take a break after that revelation. So Chase found herself alone in the very bathroom in which she had found Arianna earlier that day. This time, it was her turn to be overwhelmed with emotions and feelings that she didn’t want. The Dr. Kate thing wasn’t as big a deal to her as her sudden realization that she wanted something that she could never have. That would take a while for her to process.

“Hey,” cut through her panicked thinking and she glanced over at the owner of the voice, biting back a groan. Of course it had to be Sam, the one person in the world that she didn’t want to push away right now. Okay, maybe Tracy would be a close second, but with Tracy, she wouldn’t actually consider talking about what was on her mind. The question was, did Sam want to hear it?

“Hey,” Chase ended up replying, crossing her arms over her chest and sighing. She could tell from the expression on Sam’s face that she knew something was going on with Chase and she was concerned.

Sam checked the two bathroom stalls to make sure they were alone, which Chase felt was sweet and a little unnerving because that meant Sam probably knew Chase needed to talk about things not fit for others’ hearing. The click of the lock resounded loudly in Chase’s mind, her emotions hovering somewhere between grateful and terrified at the same time. Was she ready for this conversation? Apparently they were going to have it whether she was ready or not.

“Chase,” Sam said softly, stopping a short distance from her and watching her intently, “What’s wrong?”

Turning back to the mirror, Chase once again cursed herself for not hiding her emotions well. Where could she start? She had better be sure before she opened her mouth again because not being sure could have disastrous results, as she had seen before on multiple occasions. Before she could decide, Sam was beside her in the mirror, wrapping her arm around Chase’s shoulders and her other hand on Chase’s arm closest to her. They stared into the mirror, an odd sort of eye contact, before Chase broke it, looking instead at the counter below.

Chase shook her head. “I feel stupid even thinking this way, considering we’re not even…you know, together,” she managed to say before growing silent again.

“What way?” Sam asked quietly, squeezing her shoulders encouragingly. 

Raising her head, Chase met Sam’s gaze in the mirror again. “I think I’m the one who’s jealous now,” she admitted softly.

Sam looked confused and shook her head. “Jealous of whom?” she asked, the look on her face making it seem that she had done something wrong that would make Chase jealous.

“Not really of anyone in particular just…jealous that Arianna can have this and I can’t…” she trailed off, feelings of shame sweeping over her as it said it aloud. Saying it to Dr. Kate had been one thing, but admitting it to the person with whom she wanted to have it was completely different.

Recognition seemed to flash in Sam’s eyes as the full meaning of her words settled over them. “Oh,” Sam replied and Chase could swear that she saw the edges of Sam’s lips twitch upward in her reflection. “Why, Chase Marks, are you saying that you want to marry me?”

Chase smiled a little at Sam’s reaction. She didn’t know what she had expected in this moment, but this light teasing, so reminiscent of when Chase had first asked Sam on a date, was not it at all. So much had happened since that day. It almost felt like it had happened in another lifetime.

She breathed out slowly and leaned into Sam’s touch. “Maybe, someday…I hadn’t really thought about it before tonight. But would I like that chance?” She turned to face Sam, attempting somewhat to read whatever was behind those shimmering blue eyes that she had fallen in love with long ago. “Yes. I want that chance and I’m a little pissed off that even if you want it, too, we can never have it.”

Sam smiled and closed her eyes as she shook her head back and forth. “Never say never, Chase,” she whispered, opening her eyes. “You don’t know what’s going to happen in the future.”

“Like…laws could change or you could want it, too?” Chase asked, still not clear what Sam was trying to tell her.

Shrugging, Sam brought her hand up to stroke Chase’s cheek tenderly. “Maybe both,” she replied before leaning over and pressing her lips ever so softly on Chase’s.

As much as Chase wanted to just let this happen, her heart fluttering madly in her chest, begging her to accept it, her mind wouldn’t allow it. Thoughts of the previous night filtered through her brain and cautioned her. “Wait,” she said softly, causing Sam to back up a step or two. “How do I know you’re not going to tell me you’re sorry and run away again?” 

Sam winced at the reminder. “That’s fair, I suppose,” she commented as she folded her arms over chest. She sighed. “Do you understand why I did that?”

Chase shrugged. “You were conflicted,” she replied softly, leaning back against the sink for support. “With good reason,” she added after a beat. “I know nothing I do will ever make up for how I hurt you.”

Shaking her head, Sam took a deep breath. “You keep focusing on that one incident. Yes, it broke my heart, but do you know about what I went through before that?”

“What do you mean?”

Sighing again, Sam turned to face the mirror, probably avoiding eye contact with Chase for the moment. “You died and were tortured, Chase. I know from experience that wasn’t a pleasant experience, but have you ever stopped to consider what I went through?”

She had, actually, although she and Sam had never discussed it. She had wondered many a sleepless night on that damn ship how Sam was dealing with the loss. She’d wondered about it after, too, but obviously not enough. After all, she had never lost someone she’d loved so much so how could she possibly understand?

“Yes,” she answered after what seemed like an eternity of silence. Sam turned to look at her, surprised, but before she could speak, Chase went on, “I have considered it. A lot, actually. But without actually talking to you, I can’t know for sure how you felt.” She sighed and ran a shaky hand over her hair, feeling a few more strands fall out of the bun.

Shaking her head, Sam took a step closer. “It was horrible, Chase. I had to tell your brother, I had to pack up your apartment…” she stopped and closed her eyes as she drew in a deep shuddering breath. “I didn’t want to say good-bye, but I knew I had to.”

“And then when I came back…” Chase trailed off, blinking away tears. She would never truly forgive herself for that, would she?

“No,” Sam cut in, shaking her head again. “I believe you. You told me last night that you weren’t yourself, that it was just a mistake…I believe you. I choose to believe that you won’t do it again.”

Relief flooded Chase with a soft, warm feeling and caused her to smile a little for the woman she loved, the woman who was very nearly telling her everything she needed to hear. “Then why…”

Sam stepped closer and took one of Chase’s hands in her grasp, squeezing lightly. “I want everything to be out in the open, Chase. No more secrets. If we’re going to be together, I want us to be completely honest with each other.”

Chase nodded, wanting that as well. Something was bothering her, though, tugging at the back of her mind. Closing her eyes, Chase brought her other hand around and gripped Sam’s tightly between both of hers. “I have to tell you something. I don’t want you to think…” she stopped, opened her eyes and allowed a tear to fall. She didn’t even chastise herself for it, which she had to admit showed progress.

“Want me to think what, Chase?” Sam asked, gripping her hands tightly. 

“When I died…” she started, feeling the familiar sensations flare up in her body when she began to think of that time like her rapid heart, difficulty breathing and that sense of dread that seemed to drape over her. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, willing herself to focus on the feelings she had right after she was killed. That peace that was ever slipping away, but somehow she managed to get at least a glimpse of it in that moment. “It was the single most wonderful feeling I have had in my life,” she confessed in a whisper, her eyes still closed. 

When she opened them, she saw Sam smiling at her, the death grip on her hands gone. Shaking her head, Sam replied softly, tenderly, “You were in heaven.”

Cocking her head to the side, Chase asked, “How did you?”

“Because it happened to me, too,” she replied. “Why were you afraid to tell me?”

She shrugged. “Because I thought you might think that I wanted to do die or that you didn’t make me happy.”

Sam shook her head again. “No, didn’t cross my mind.”

Chase smiled and took another step closer, detangling her hands from Sam’s as she felt Sam do the same. They stepped into each other’s embrace. Chase’s hands found Sam’s neck and Sam wrapped her arms around Chase’s waist as their lips met in a mind-blowing kiss. It was all Chase could do just to keep herself upright in this moment as her head became so light she could barely stand it. It was all that she remembered and so much more. She felt that her heart was going to burst at any moment and she’d just be in heaven again. Although, she had to admit, this was pretty damn close.

Somehow she ended up pinned against the wall, similar to how Sam had pinned her against the door the night before. There was also a hand on her leg, sliding up and under her dress. Sam’s lips left Chase’s and attached themselves to her neck. Chase gasped for air as the sensations threatened to overwhelm her. Dear god, if she had known the sensation on Sam’s hand on her stocking-clad leg felt like that, she would have worn dresses much more often.

“Holy shit,” she breathed out, causing Sam to chuckle, her breath hot against Chase’s neck. Damn, that felt amazing, but now she was beginning to feel her back screaming out in pain at the angle she was being held against the wall. Those scars probably didn’t help matters, either. Sighing, she allowed her head to fall back against the wall as she said softly, “Sam, stop.”

Sam did as she asked almost immediately, pulling back and giving Chase her space to lean against the counter for support. There were questions in Sam’s eyes, but she didn’t open her mouth to ask them. Drawing a deep, shuddering breath, Chase laughed a little and closed her eyes. “Please don’t take this to mean that I don’t want this,” she started. 

Opening her eyes, she found Sam watching her closely, a little smile on her face. Oh, good, Chase thought, she’s not mad. “Just not here?” Sam asked quietly, gesturing around them.

“Yes, exactly,” Chase replied with a smile of her own. “How is it that you know me so well?”

Sam laughed and shook her head. “I could ask you the same thing,” she replied teasingly as she drew closer. “Why don’t we go back to my house?” she asked, reaching over to tuck some stray hairs behind Chase’s ear.

Chase shook her head. “Sam, really. What would I tell my parents?”

Shrugging, Sam leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to Chase’s ear, as if to tempt her further. Chase had to admit, it was pretty inviting. “I don’t know, maybe you could tell them I’ve had too much to drink and you’re going to drive me home?”

“I could do that,” she whispered, turning so that she could give Sam a proper kiss. Yeah, she’d better do it soon or she’d probably end up against the wall again. Or Sam would. “Meet you by your car?”

Sam pulled back suddenly and gave her a strange look. “What’s wrong with your car?”

“Nothing, but Spencer can drive my car back to my house for me. Who would do that with yours if we were to take mine?”

“True,” Sam replied, shaking her head. “I guess I’ll meet you there.”

*

The free bar was nice, but other than that, Spencer thought the wedding reception was a bit boring. He had danced with his mother and Tracy and now just stood against a wall nursing some water as he watched the bride and groom say their good-byes. Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted his sister walking right for him. 

When she came to stop beside him with a silly grin on her face, he shook his head and sighed. “Okay, what do you need me to do?” he asked, already sensing that she wanted something from him.

“Would you mind taking my car back to my place, please? Mother and Father could follow you back like they followed me here,” she asked, apparently not even bothering to attempt hiding the fact that she wanted something from him this time.

He lifted an eyebrow in surprise. “And just where are you going?” he teased, already pretty sure he knew the answer.

If it was possible, she grinned wider and ducked her head. “Sam asked me to drive her home.”

“Ah,” he answered, taking another sip of his water as he watched the woman about whom they were talking said good-bye to Arianna and Daniel. “What about the girls?” he asked, deliberately changing the subject. He assumed she didn’t want to discuss visiting Sam’s house in such a public setting.

“They can ride either with you or in the minivan,” Chase answered with a shrug.

Grinning openly at Sam, who was approaching them, he nearly laughed at the expression covering her face, which seemed one part confused and one part giddy. “Well, I hope everything goes well,” he told them both before inclining his head and moving away, off towards his parents. He may not have been looking forward to spending time alone with them, but he knew Sam and Chase needed time to sort things out. He was all too happy to be the one to give it to them.


	15. Chapter 15

_The bastard was always there when his Jaffa tortured Chase. Maybe it was some sort of sick hobby he had, but Bacchus seemed to enjoy watching as they strung her arms over her head, pulled her naked body to hang painfully over the floor, and whipped her back with a spiked strap. Never once had he touched her or even looked as if he wanted to touch her. All he did was watch._

_It actually made the whole distraction thing easier for Chase, though. As long as the raspy voice wasn’t interfering, she did a pretty good job getting lost in her memories and for the most part drowning out the pain with each crack of that damn whip. There was no doubt in her mind that she would have moved in with Sam if the whole slave to a god thing hadn’t occurred._

_“Very nice,” he rasped, apparently enjoying something about the torture and jarring her out of her reverie. “You are a very strong woman, Captain,” he complimented, but his tone seemed more optimistic than impressed._

_She drew in a deep breath and opened her eyes. Bacchus was actually standing a few feet from her, not sitting on his throne as she had expected. Shaking her head, Chase prayed that she hadn’t lost her mind as she retorted, “Why do you care? All the more fun to break me?”_

_The Goa’uld actually chuckled and took a step closer. “Of course,” he answered, closing the distance between them. She felt the cold tip of one of his gold-covered fingers caressing her chin. Jerking away, she almost spit in his face, but considering her position, thought better of it at the last moment._

_“You’re a coward,” she spit instead, holding his gaze with her chin held high. She felt the bite of the whip into her back and winced in pain before Bacchus called the Jaffa to stop, which greatly surprised her._

_Opening her eyes, she discovered he was closer than before, and he did not seem happy anymore. She swallowed her fear and glared back. “You believe I should do my own torture?” he asked, his arm raising and the device strapped it began glowing an eerie red, humming slightly. She didn’t need to feel its effects to know what it did._

_“That’s not what I meant,” she practically growled, watching the device warily. The humming stopped as he closed his hand, holding it there as if waiting to see what she had to say before using it. “I meant,” she continued, still aware of his hand at all times, “You could have a lot more if you weren’t so cowardly.”_

_The hand dropped by his side as he regarded her with what seemed like a confused expression covering his face. “Just how do you think I am a coward?”_

_“This whole operation,” she replied, using her chin to gesture around them. “You kill beautiful people and use your sarcophagus to bring them back to life so no one looks for them. Then you enslave them.”_

_Bacchus smiled and nodded. “It’s ingenious, I know.”_

_She snorted. “Hardly. Little ventured, little gained,” she stated, still trying to ignore the painful stinging of her back. Without her distraction, it was proving harder, but not impossible. The conversation would have to do for now. She prayed to whoever was listening she could get through this and hook Bacchus on her plan. It was her only chance of getting herself and Arianna out of there._

_“What do you mean?” he asked, moving to sit back on his throne. He hadn’t motioned for the Jaffa to continue, but he was continuing the conversation, so that meant it was interested, at least._

_She shifted to see if she could relieve some of the pressure on her shoulders. “Well, I don’t know about other cultures, but ours don’t leave people behind. If they knew we were alive, they would send another team to rescue us.”_

_He shrugged and motioned for a glass of wine, which was brought to him quickly. “Why should that interest me?”_

_“Because if more people come looking for us, that’s more slaves for you.”_

_Holding up his hand in a fast, fluid movement, he placed his goblet down and stood up again. “I have had a wonderful idea,” he informed what Chase assumed was everyone else in the room. “We shall send a message to the Tau’ri, let them know we have their people. When they send a rescue party, they shall be mine.”_

*

The ride was mostly quiet, which was a bit unnerving if Sam was being honest with herself. She and Chase had spoken more in the last week than they had the past several months and she had to admit she had enjoyed their talks. Now Chase was gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles were beginning to look white, which was giving Sam the impression that she was at least a little nervous. After the things they had discussed that night and the kisses they had shared, this nervousness seemed to appear out of nowhere.

Sighing, Sam shook her head and glanced out the window, noticing how close they were to her house. She hoped Chase still intended to stay when they arrived. Clearing her throat, she looked back at her driver and asked, “Are you okay?”

Chase smiled a little and Sam watched as the tension seemed to drain out of Chase’s body. “Yeah,” Chase answered softly, her eyes lingering for a moment on Sam before turning back to the road. Suddenly, her smile seemed to turn into more of smirk as she chuckled and shook her head, as if remembering something funny.

“What?” Sam asked, finding it difficult to stop the smile that spread over her face in response.

“Full disclosure, right?” Chase asked, pulling up to Sam’s house and parking on the street. She turned to look at Sam, who nodded. “Would you like to know why I was late to brunch?”

Sam felt her eyebrow arch without really thinking about it. The way Chase was looking at her was definitely making her curiosity grow. “When you put it that way…” she responded, reaching a hand out to cover one of Chase’s knees and squeezing lightly.

That seemed to derail Chase’s train of thoughts for a moment as her eyes darted downward and she swallowed noticeably. Sam even thought she saw Chase’s smile slip momentarily before she took a deep breath and shook her head. “Well, I went to check on my team…” she started, leaning closer as she talked.

“Yeah…” Sam replied and motioned Chase to continue.

“Everyone was doing what they were supposed to…except Hailey.”

“Hailey?” That was surprising, to say the least. As far as Sam knew, Hailey was the picture of a perfect Air Force officer, which was why she had recommended her for the Stargate Program.

Chase nodded, but that grin stayed in place. “Oh, I found her.”

“Where was she?”

If it was possible, Chase’s grin grew even larger and her eyes seemed to dance with amusement as she leaned closer. “She was in the supply closet…making out with her girlfriend.”

Chuckling, Sam shook her head and leaned back in her seat. “She’s really lucky it was you who caught them.”

Chase’s expression fell as she huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. “You knew?”

Sam shrugged and moved to open the door. “I suspected,” she said carefully as she stepped out of her vehicle. Her suspicions about Lt. Hailey had been present since the incident with the other cadet at the Academy, but she had kept them to herself for obvious reasons. She supposed she could have told Chase, if they had been on friendly terms then.

She heard rather than saw Chase exit the car and follow her to the porch. Sam dug through her purse for the house keys and readied herself for the inevitable question. “Why wouldn’t you mention it?”

Shrugging, Sam pushed the door open and stepped inside. “We weren’t exactly talking at the time,” she replied simply as Chase walked into the house and shut the door behind her.

The statement seemed to sober Chase and that sorrowful look that Sam had seen so many times before fell over her face. “Oh,” Chase said softly, glancing back at the door as if Sam was going to ask her leave. “Yeah, I guess we weren’t.”

Shaking her head, Sam smiled and took a step closer. Reaching out, she lightly slipped her fingers under the strap of Chase’s purse and slowly slipped it from Chase’s shoulder, letting it fall to the floor. She took a step closer, into Chase’s personal space and brought her hands to rest lightly on Chase’s waist. “I’m not interested in the past right now,” she whispered, her gaze dropping to Chase’s mouth. She hadn’t missed Chase’s reaction, the sharp intake of breath and the way her pupils suddenly dilated noticeably.

“No?” Chase asked, shifting into the embrace and fixing Sam with a smoky stare.

Sam shook her head. “I’m far more interested in the present,” she replied softly before closing the small distance between them and kissing Chase tenderly. The intensity grew quickly and Sam pushed Chase against the nearest surface again – which happened to be the front door.

Breaking the contact, Chase let out a noise that sounded like a growl and pushed against Sam. Chuckling, Sam backed up a little and commented lightly, “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you make that noise before.”

Chase shook her head, detangled herself from Sam, and moved a hand to her back, rubbing a spot gently. “Sorry, the doorknob was kind of painful.”

“Oh,” Sam replied, feeling her cheeks grow hot. “I’m sorry.”

At that, Chase grinned and shook her head. “Nah, it’s okay,” she said as she kissed Sam chastely. “But maybe we can move this to somewhere…more comfortable?” She visibly winced at the last two words. She looked hesitant, scrunching her nose and mouth towards her eyes. “That was corny, wasn’t it?”

Nodding, Sam laughed. “A little, but I understand,” she said, reaching for Chase’s hand. “Come on.”

They walked down the hall hand in hand, Sam feeling her excitement building with every step. Her apprehension was still there, but in the background, pushed to the side by conscious choice. Feeling Chase’s warm hand in her own and knowing that Chase wanted exactly what she did made it easy to push away those negative anxious feelings to focus on the good things.

As they stepped into her room, she felt Chase’s hand stiffen in her own, squeezing almost painfully. She stopped and turned to look at her girlfriend, concerned about the sudden change she found there on Chase’s features. Instead of her usual excitement or amusement, Sam saw something else, something that looked like fear or pain shining in Chase’s dark eyes, rippling out to the features of her face. Her gaze seemed to be locked on the bed, refusing to look at her girlfriend.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked quietly, stepping closer and reaching out her free hand to caress Chase’s cheek. Her eyes finally moved until they locked fully onto Sam’s, the intensity in them startling Sam slightly.

Taking a deep breath, Chase closed her eyes and leaned into Sam, resting her forehead on Sam’s shoulder. She breathed deeply a few times and wrapped her arms around her torso. In response, Sam held her close and wondered what had caused the sudden change in Chase’s emotions and demeanor.

After a few moments of silence, Chase’s grip relaxed and she started to pull out of the embrace. Sam held onto her shoulders, but pulled away enough to look into Chase’s eyes again. “What’s wrong?” Sam repeated her earlier question, silently begging her girlfriend to open up to her.

Chase sighed and gave Sam a weak smile, apparently trying to reassure her. It didn't seem all that convincing, especially given the display she had just witnessed from her usually strong girlfriend. “I…” Chase started, running an uneasy, shaky hand through her hair. “I remembered something,” she finished with a whisper, her eyes focused down.

Sam cocked her head to the side and watched Chase closely. She still wouldn’t meet Sam’s gaze. She debated momentarily if she should ask the next question, but found eventually that she couldn’t help but feel it slipping off her tongue, “Mind if I ask what you remembered?”

That question actually elicited a small smile, as if she was truly glad it had been asked. Apparently it was the correct question after all. Shaking her head, Chase took Sam’s hand again and led her to the bed, where they both sat down, facing each other. 

“This is going to sound strange,” she started, drawing in a shaky breath before looking away again.

Reaching over, she covered Chase’s hands with her one of her own, squeezing slightly. This earned Chase’s eye contact again and a small smile. “That’s okay. Strange is part of what we do, remember?”

Chase smiled a real smile at that and nodded, although Sam did notice Chase’s hands, now free, pulling nervously at her dress like she did at the church. Sam smiled sympathetically and replaced her hands on top of Chase’s again. The movement stopped, and Chase’s smile remained. “Yeah, well, I guess this might be normal in comparison to what we do,” she quipped, her sense of humor shining through her nervousness.

“My scars…” Chase started, then stopped again, closing her eyes and shaking her head. Sam waited patiently for her to continue. “They burn sometimes when I…when I remember things from…” she trailed off and looked away, suddenly seeming shy or reluctant to continue.

Scooting closer until their knees were touching, Sam smiled softly and squeezed their still intertwined hands. “From your captivity?”

Nodding, Chase gave Sam a grateful smile and continued, “You remember when I told you that the thought of our relationship kept me going?” Sam nodded, thinking back to their conversation the night of Chloe’s suicide attempt. She didn’t answer verbally, opting to let the explanation continue. Chase took a deep breath and removed a hand long enough to tuck some stray hairs behind one of her ears. “I wasn’t exaggerating. When Bacchus was torturing me…”

Sam shivered and was instantly reminded of the gashes she saw on Chase’s back the day of the rescue, the ones that had turned into the scars she assumed Chase had talked about earlier in the conversation. Also brought to mind was what Arianna had said about Chase “bleeding out on the floor” and she squeezed Chase's hands again. And if she was being honest, that gesture may have been more for herself than for Chase.

“I would think about that last night we spent together, about when you asked me to move in with you.” She grinned then, either at the memory or about something else, but Sam wasn’t entirely sure. Either way, it was good to see it. “I meant it when I said I was going to say yes.”

Nodding, Sam leaned over and pressed her lips gently to Chase’s. “I know,” she replied, tenderly running a finger along Chase’s jawline. “So you remembered being tortured because of the memory of the last time you were here?”

“Yes,” Chase whispered, leaning into Sam’s touch and watching Sam from under hooded lashes. Shifting, Sam withdrew her hand and moved to sit behind Chase in one fluid move, ignoring how her dress rode up her legs with the movement. If Chase noticed, she didn’t show any visible sign or comment. Right now, Sam didn’t want the attention to be on her. This moment had to be about Chase.

Once she was in place behind her girlfriend, staring at the back of the blue dress she had seen all evening, she lightly reached for the zipper that started at the nape of Chase’s neck. Slowly, she pulled down, swallowing silently at the scars that appeared with each new patch of skin. If Chase wondered what she was doing, she didn’t ask. The only reaction she gave was a faster in and out of her breaths, but she didn’t ask Sam to stop.

When the zipper reached its end and refused to go any further, Sam’s hands reached into the material and pushed it apart. The fabric slid soundlessly from Chase’s skin, baring the scarred back to Sam’s gaze. She had known it would be difficult to see, so she had already prepared herself. Even so, she had to swallow a gasp at the extent of the white stripes that crisscrossed and streaked across Chase’s back.

Leaning over, Sam pressed her lips to the scar closest to Chase’s neck, tenderly caressing the mark of skin. She felt Chase inhale sharply at the contact and saw the hand that flew to her shoulder. Sam gripped it tightly as she moved down Chase’s back, kissing each scar in turn. She wanted to make sure Chase knew she accepted her, every part of her, no matter how scarred or disfigured.

It took a few moments for Sam to realize that the slight shaking of Chase’s shoulders and erratic breaths meant that Chase had started to cry without making a sound. At the realization, Sam sat up and pulled her girlfriend flush against her, holding her tightly. Chase turned her face and shook her head. 

She had a small smile on her face, Sam realized, despite the drying tracks of tears. Leaning over, she kissed Sam tenderly and one hand came up to cup Sam’s face. “It’s okay,” Chase whispered when they parted and she pressed her foreheads together. “Everything is finally okay,” she added, kissing her again and this time it was easy to feel the intention behind it. Allowing herself to be lowered onto the bed, Sam smiled at the whispered confession of love that tumbled from her girlfriend’s lips.

*


	16. Chapter 16

Chase hadn’t felt so elated since…well, since Sam had first told her she loved her. Every fiber of her being seemed to buzz with excitement as she made the short trip back to her house. Even the memory of the brief, but painful, interruption to their evening wasn’t enough to dampen her joy. Bacchus no longer held any power over her. She felt…cleansed.

She pulled Sam's car into the driveway behind her own and was glad for the darkened house. Quite sure she was grinning like an idiot, she did not want to have to explain herself to anyone (well, really just her father) upon entering. Shaking her head, Chase opened her car door and stepped out, only to hear the low rumblings of a motorcycle behind her as Sam pulled her Indian up beside Chase’s Mustang.

Lifting an eyebrow, Chase folded her arms over her chest and tried to dampen her grin a little in favor of appearing coy (she hoped). After Sam cut the engine and removed her helmet, Chase shook her head and asked softly as she stepped closer, “Miss me already?”

Chuckling, Sam nodded and replied in kind, “Of course I do.” Chase could tell she was teasing right back by the tone, but she also suspected there was some truth to it by the way Sam was looking at her. Her heart jumped a little at the thought and beat a little faster. Sam held out an object to Chase. “You forgot your purse. Thought you might need it.”

Feeling her cheeks grow hot, Chase reached out to take the strange bag. She usually didn’t carry purses, but as there were no pockets in the dress Arianna had insisted she wear, Chase had borrowed one from Janet. Apparently she had left it at Sam’s, which would have been fine, except her driver’s license was inside.

“Thanks,” she murmured, leaning over to kiss Sam lightly. It was the first time they had ever kissed in a remotely public place (not counting the bathrooms at the club and the church, since the doors had been securely locked – well, her body against the one at the club secured it enough, she thought). On this occasion, despite the cover of night, Chase knew it was a risky thing to do. Still, she did it anyway, with a smile on her face, no less.

“I love you,” Chase whispered as they parted.

Sam beamed at her and replied, “I will never grow tired of that.”

Chase chucked. “Oh, I bet you will.”

Shaking her head, Sam replaced her helmet and flipped up the screen. “See you tomorrow,” she promised before starting the bike, backing out, and driving away.

With a deep, satisfying breath, Chase let herself into her house, practically humming with contentment. Attempting to be as quiet as possible, she slipped her shoes off and headed for the stairs in her bare feet.

Suddenly, a soft light in the living room switched on and startled her slightly. Then she figured it was just Spencer wanting to talk, so she took a deep breath and bypassed the stairs. This gave her full view of the living room. At the sight of her father, Chase stopped in her tracks, feeling an icy chill creep over her at the hard expression on his face. She could only recall him looking even remotely this angry once before – when Spencer informed him he would not be joining the military.

“Papa,” she breathed, feeling her emotions quickly revert to those of a scared, helpless child. 

He stood slowly and walked towards her, her fear increasing with every step. But she did not run. She knew from experience that running only his anger worse, so she held her ground.

“Was that…” he began, stopping a few feet from her, shaking visibly. He was right next to the couch where Spencer lay, presumably asleep. “Was that Major Carter on the motorcycle?”

Chase could feel her blood slow as it turned to ice in her veins. He had seen them. The secret was out. Would he tell someone in the Air Force? End her career? All she managed was a nod, refusing to outright lie.

She was totally unprepared for the palm that flew at her face and smacked her with such force that she was knocked to the ground.

*

Humming in time with the motorcycle beneath her, Sam daydreamed as she pulled into her garage and cut the engine. Still humming and feeling a pleased smile on her face, Sam made her way into the house. She hung up her helmet and riding jacket while she thought about how she couldn’t have asked for a more perfect night. The ending by itself had simply blown her mind. Two days ago, she would have no even imagined this possible.

Suddenly, her phone began to ring. She groaned, knowing that the caller ID box was in the other room and there was no telling who it could be at this late hour. Looking at it for just a moment, deciding, she tried to guess who it might be – Chase, maybe, or a drunk Arianna. Hoping it wasn’t the latter, she reached for the annoying object.

“Hello?” she answered cautiously.

“Sam, you need to get back here quick,” the panicked sounding voice filled her ear.

“Tracy? What’s wrong?” Sam asked, terror gripping her chest.

“Abuelo has gone crazy!” Tracy whispered hoarsely into the phone before the line went dead.

*

The coppery taste of blood invaded Chase’s mouth as she recouped herself on the floor, only barely aware of her surroundings. Her father had never hit her before. Sure, there had been spankings when they misbehaved as kids, but nothing like the blinding fury that had fueled this. Nothing that made her feel like she was unworthy of being in his family.

Somehow voices came to her in the midst of her shock and confusion. She recognized her mother’s – it sounded like she was defending Chase (bless her) – her brother’s (please don’t let him and Father get into a fist fight) – and (OH NO) Tracy’s. At the sound of her daughter’s voice, Chase felt her protective instincts take over and she was up, standing, within seconds.

The others stopped talking when she when she stood, most likely from what she assumed was the murderous look on her face. She didn’t imagine it was a good look, considering the cascading emotions she was feeling in the moment. Her eyes moved to the stairs, where Tracy and Cassie were huddled with their faces partially hidden by the bannister bars. That was never something Chase wanted for them.

“You okay?” Chase asked her daughter quietly.

Tracy shrugged. “You?”

Chase gave a small smile. “I’ll live,” she answered simply. “Go upstairs and lock the door, okay?”

Nodding, Tracy took Cassie’s hand and disappeared from view up the stairs. After hearing the door close, Chase turned to her parents and brother. Her father had his back to her, looking as if he was staring out the window. He was most likely just watching his own breath fog on the glass as he calmed down. Spencer was glaring at their father’s back and her mother was staring at her with an expression that seemed to mingle concern and disappointment.

“I told you…” Mercedes began, shaking her head and glancing at her husband before turning back to Chase. “Mi bambina,” she whispered, shaking her head.

“I’m not your baby anymore, Mama,” Chase stated flatly, finally turning to look at her brother. She couldn’t remember ever seeing him so upset. His face darkened dangerously and his fists clenched and unclenched by his sides. He watched her closely, probably trying to make sure she was okay.

She was about to address him, to let him know she was all right, so say something that would stop him from going off on their father, when all of a sudden, the door burst open behind her. She turned towards the sound, as did the others in the room, she noticed. The sight that met her gaze would have made her smile if the situation wasn’t so serious: an out of breath, frazzled Sam.

“Tracy,” Sam coughed out, apparently struggling to catch her breath. Did she run from her house or just the driveway? “Called me,” Sam finished, her eyes narrowing on Chase’s face. “Did he hit you?”

Again, Chase’s words were cut off before she could even open her mouth. “You are both disgraces to the uniform,” Dominick growled from across the room. He glared at Sam. “And you. You are threatening my daughter’s career.” After what he had just done to her face, Chase wondered why he gave a damn about her career. “As the senior officer, I assume you know that.”

Sam merely glared at him, not bothering to answer. Of course she knew, of course it was something with which they had always struggled: the secret, the danger, the risk. Still, in the end, they had decided together that it was worth it. They didn’t need her father to remind them of any of that.

Purposefully stepping between her girlfriend and the man who had suddenly possessed her father’s body, suddenly coming to a realization about his behavior after his rude comments. “No,” she started, firmly, resolutely, not willing to leave any room for misunderstanding. “You will direct your criticisms to me. I am, after all, the one who threatens your reputation just by being what I am.”

“No!” He yelled in response, advancing on her. The other three people in the room all moved towards her as well, most likely in attempt to protect her. Fortunately, Dominick led with a pointing, accusing finger, not a palm or a closed fist. Stabbing the air in her direction with this finger, he continued, “I don’t have a problem with you being a dyke. You can be whatever you want. I have a problem with you throwing your career down the toilet! And for what? A fling? Some fun?”

“I love her!” Chase announced loudly, effectively cutting off her father’s rant. He stared at her, looking rather surprised, confused, rattled, or maybe some combination of all of it. They stood in silence for a while. Chase wasn’t sure how long, but it seemed like an eternity.

Finally, he sighed, closed his eyes and shook his head. Opening his eyes, he looked intensely at her, his eyes seeming sad now. “That’s even worse,” he muttered before turning around and walking out the back door.

Stunned, Chase found her brain having a hard time catching up with that idea. How could it be “worse” to love Sam? She was remotely aware of the players around her beginning to move. She thought she caught the sound of her mother muttering something along the lines of “children never listen” before Mercedes followed her husband out the door.

Chase moved and found the breakfast counter, onto which she leaned all of her weight as she breathed deeply and tried to calm herself. She would need a moment or two to recover after that heated round of…well, of arguing with her father. Even when she feared the truth being discovered, this was not one of the scenarios she imagined. She always thought he’d simply go to her superiors and ruin her career, not try to convince her what she was doing was wrong.

“You okay?” Spencer asked as Sam moved closer and inspected Chase’s injury as close as she could without actually touching it. “I can’t believe he’s being such an ass,” Spencer added softly, his gaze on the door where their parents had disappeared.

She waved Sam away and sighed deeply. “I’m fine,” she spat, a little harsher than she intended and cringed when she saw Sam flinch at the words. “Sorry,” she mumbled, covering Sam’s hand with one of her own.

Smiling a little, Sam nodded and squeezed Chase’s hand. “It’s okay,” Sam whispered in return.

*

Mercedes stood on the porch in silence, staring at her husband’s back as he leaned against the rail. She knew he was always alert so there was no need to announce her presence. As she waited for him to acknowledge her, her mind pondered his recent behavior. She had expected him to be angry at the discovery of their daughter’s secret, but she had never seen him hit one of their children (or anyone else) before.

True, she hadn’t seen him strike Chase, but everyone in the house had awoken at her startled scream. If Chase was screaming, something was wrong. Mercedes had thought the world was ending when she saw her strong daughter (who had recently been recognized for valor) on the floor with Dominick standing over her. Never did Mercedes think she would see her family at arms.

He interrupted her thoughts with a soft confession, “I shouldn’t have hit her.” He turned and leaned back against the rail, crossing his arms over his chest. She could feel his eyes boring into her. “But I stand by what I said.”

“Por favor, marido,” she began, taking a tentative step towards him. “Why is this so…” she searched for the right word, “Terrible? Our daughter is happy and successful.”

He glared at her. “How can you ask that? How can you be all right with this?” He shook his head. “As a Catholic, I thought you would be horrified.”

Mercedes shrugged, but understood why he asked. She had struggled with it, at first, but it had become easier over the years. “Not horrified at a daughter I love,” she responded carefully. “At first, I was…disappointed, I suppose, but then I realized it is a part of who she is. I do not believe that God would have made her this way if it is wrong.”

“You sound as if you have had years to process this,” he responded, his eyes narrowing on her face.

She sighed and nodded. “Yes. You cannot blame me for keeping it from you.”

“Maybe…in light of recent events…no, I cannot blame you, as you say,” he answered softly, at least giving her that.

Regarding him closely, she decided to take a small risk and ask him what she was really thinking. “She was correct, wasn’t she? This is about your reputation.”

“No!” Dominick denied before sighing and dropping his arms, looking away. “Well, not entirely.”

She smiled a little despite the seriousness of the situation. Her husband was definitely honest to a fault, but it was one of the things that she loved most about him. “All right. What else is there?”

“Her career. She would be disgraced if this ever got out!”

Mercedes nodded. “Yes, but that is her choice, and I choose to support it because she is happy.”

He surprised her with what he said next. She had expected him to become angry, but instead he only seemed sad and deflated. “She’s the best, esposa,” he whispered, coming towards her slowly. “Out of all of them, I think that she is the one with whom we did the best. I am most proud of her.”

She smiled and shook her head. “I think she is so good despite us not because of us.” She cocked her head to the side. “That is the expression, yes?”

Chuckling, he nodded and drew her into his arms. “I think so.”

*

Chase heard the door open behind her and she turned, feeling the support from her brother and her girlfriend who turned with her. That was all she needed – her best friend, the love of her life, her daughter, and her mother all supported her, did she really need her father, too? Her struggling emotions said otherwise, though.

Her breath caught as her father stopped walking and glanced over at her. “I’m sorry for hitting you.” Shaking his head, he continued walking towards the stairs.

She let him get as far as the first step. “That’s it? You called us disgraces and told me I was throwing the career down the toilet.”

He stopped at her question, but he hadn’t turned around. His back still to her, he answered in low, serious tones, “I would take what you can get right now, young lady.” She took that to mean ‘don’t push your luck’. 

After a moment of silence, he probably thought they were finished because he started his upward movement again. She wouldn’t let him get away that easily. “I have one question.”

Halting in his tracks, her father took a deep breath and finally turned to look at her. “What’s that?”

“How is it worse that I’m in love?” she asked, blinking away tears. She felt Sam slip a hand in hers and squeeze gently.

Sighing, he ran a hand through his graying hair and fixed her with an intense glare. It took everything in her not to flinch. “Because it won’t end,” he replied flatly before once again giving her his back and continuing up the stairs.

Letting out her breath slowly, Chase finally let go of the tension built up in her body and sagged a little to the right, allowing her girlfriend to support her for a moment. She smiled a little at Sam and whispered, “I’m coming to my girlfriend this time.”

Sam smiled in return, a spark of recognition in her eyes. She also remembered the conversation that Chase referenced, the one from the night Chloe had tried to kill herself. The second time that night the conversation had been brought up. Sam snaked an arm around Chase’s shoulders and smiled right back. “I don’t think you weak for it,” she replied, kissing Chase’s forehead tenderly.

“Chase.”

She glanced over to see her mother standing beside her with a small smile gracing her features. Chase swapped her girlfriend’s arms for her mother’s, feeling surrounded on all sides by love. “Buenos noches, mi amore,” Mercedes whispered as they parted. Her smile faltered when she looked at Chase’s face, though. “Does it hurt?” she asked, reaching a hand towards Chase’s split lip.

Chase shook her head. “It’s nothing,” she replied, feeling the ghost pain flare again in her back at the memory of her worst physical pain. “Don’t worry about it, Mama.”

She nodded and turned to her son. “I’m glad you were here,” she said before hugging him as well. He nodded into the hug, looking baffled. Neither parent usually paid him any mind, probably because he was the child who had chosen not to join the military. But Chase had seen a different side of their mother recently, and she had to admit she hoped she saw it more.

Spencer ran a shaky hand through his hair, looking very much like their father in that moment, as their mother made her way back to bed. He gave Chase and Sam a lopsided grin. “That could have been a lot worse,” he commented.

They both nodded in agreement and Chase grinned. “One good thing about it?” she asked, her gaze on Sam, who looked perplexed at the idea.

“What’s that?” Sam asked, lifting an eyebrow and looking skeptical.

Chase glanced at Spencer, who shrugged, watching her expectantly. “We don’t have to hide from my parents anymore.”

She heard her brother laugh, but it wasn’t a cold or bitter sound. Rather, it seemed full of life, hopeful, and amused. He patted her on the shoulder and shook his head. “Only you, sis, would see the silver lining in this.”

Turning to scowl at him (in a playful way, of course), she shook her head and replied, “Well, it’s true, isn’t it?”

He nodded and grinned. “Yes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, you and Father interrupted some much needed sleep.”

As he walked back to the couch, Chase turned to Sam, who had something akin to a smirk on her face. “What?” she asked quietly.

Sam shook her head and pushed some hair behind Chase’s ear. “Nothing, I’m just…so impressed how you handled this. I know I would have hit him.”

Chase shook her head and leaned forward slightly, pulling Sam closer to her. “Don’t say that. It meant the world to me just to have you here. I’m sorry for what he said.”

“Don’t apologize for him,” Sam replied before kissing Chase gently, carefully avoiding the cut.

The sound of a throat clearing from across the room caused them to glance towards the sound. Spencer was standing next to the couch with his arms folded over his chest. “I don’t mean to be rude because I am very happy you two are back together, but do you ladies think you could, I don’t know, get a room? I’d really like to get back to sleep.”

*

Chase hesitated only briefly before knocking on Tracy’s door. She didn’t know what mood her daughter would in after tonight’s ordeal. Would she be angry with Chase for being so careless or afraid of the man she had recently started calling grandfather? There was no way to tell, but with her girlfriend beside her, Chase felt sure she could handle anything her teenage daughter dished out.

“Who is it?” Tracy asked. Chase could tell she was standing on the other side of the door.

She smiled and replied, “Chase.”

The door opened, revealing Tracy stepping away from it and a frightened-looking Cassie watching them from the bed as they entered. Just about as soon as they were inside and the door closed behind Sam, Tracy launched herself into Chase’s arms. Chase felt Tracy’s arms wrap tightly around her back and shoulders and had several warring spontaneous thoughts. 

It had been so long since her daughter had hugged her like this and Chase was surprised by how different it was after Tracy’s growth spurt. No longer did she have to dip her head down to kiss Tracy’s hair. Even though Tracy had placed her head on Chase’s shoulder, the girl was almost as tall as Chase now. The thought of her baby growing up so fast made Chase’s heart constrict and she held Tracy even tighter. She had a fleeting thought, wondering if Tracy would be as tall as Chloe one day.

Finally, Tracy began to pull away and Chase knew enough to let go. Tracy went to join Cassie on the bed, who immediately put an arm around her. They had been through a lot over the years. It was no wonder they were so close.

“Are you okay?” Tracy asked, her gaze fixed on Chase.

Chase nodded and wrapped her arms around herself, feeling suddenly cold. Sam must have noticed because she was there in an instant, wrapping her arms around Chase’s. “I’m sorry you had to see that,” Chase said to her daughter.

Tracy looked confused. “Why? It’s not your fault.”

Shrugging, Chase leaned against her girlfriend for a little support. It was odd that she could stare down a Goa’uld even strung up and being whipped, but having an open, emotional conversation with her daughter took help. “If I had been more careful, he wouldn’t have even known about Sam and me.”

It was Cassie who spoke up next. “Why should it even matter who you love?”

Tracy nodded in agreement. “Yeah, why should your dad or the Air Force even care? I don’t see anything wrong with you loving Sam. I think you two are meant for each other, actually.”

That prompted huge smiles from both Sam and Chase, who both moved to sit on the bed facing the girls. Sam was the first to speak as Chase struggled to find words. “Thank you for the support, both of you. We feel the same way, that it’s wrong for the military to have these rules, and who knows, maybe one day it’ll change. Maybe one day they will realize that discrimination like this is wrong.” She sighed and placed one hand on Tracy’s knee and the other on Cassie’s. “But that’s not today. We have to learn how to accept things how they are, not as we want them to be.”

“But what about fighting for what’s right?” Cassie asked softly.

Sam smiled softly, looking very proud in that moment. “For some people, that is what they are called to do.” She looked at Chase and reached a hang over to brush some hair from Chase’s face, stroking her cheek lightly. Chase smiled and leaned into the touch. “But for Chase and me, I think we’re doing what we can and that’s just being together, despite the rules.”

They turned back to the girls and Chase asked quietly, “Does that make sense?”

Cassie and Tracy nodded in unison, although they didn’t seem pleased with this response based on their expressions. Sam looked at Chase, who nodded. “All right, young ladies,” Sam said, fixing the girls with her best ‘mom look’ (which Chase thought she did very well), “Time to go back to bed.”

*

They moved to Chase’s room after the girls were once again tucked into bed and said their good nights. Sam stayed put by the closed door as Chase began to undress and get ready for bed. Unsure how to proceed, Sam just stood and watched. Even though she had spent the previous night in that bed, things had been different then. For starters, she and Chase hadn’t just had spectacular make-up sex, from which Sam’s room was still a complete mess. She was itching to touch her girlfriend now – nearly six months without her had to call for more making up, right? – but Chase’s parents were right across the hall. She suddenly felt like a teenager sneaking around again.

Only they weren’t teenagers or sneaking around. Chase’s parents knew exactly what they were to each other. That still didn’t mean she wanted to have sex with them so close.

Chase had turned to look at her, a question in her eyes. She was wearing her usual bedclothes – when they wore clothes to bed – of a tank top and boxers. And damn it all if she didn’t look incredibly sexy in them.

“You can borrow something of mine to sleep in if you want,” Chase told her, breaking the silence. “I can’t imagine your clothes were all that comfortable last night,” she added with a smile.

Sam started shaking her head. “I don’t know if I should stay,” she replied, doing her best to keep her eyes on her girlfriend’s face and not her cleavage.

Cocking her head to the side, Chase looked strangely at Sam. “Why?” she asked before moving to the bed and starting to rub body lotion on her legs. Sam knew Chase’s skin tended to be dry and the lotion was a nightly ritual, but it so was not helping. “It’s not like we have to hide anymore,” Chase added without looking up.

“I don’t know if I can keep my hands off of you,” Sam admitted, feeling a little silly. She was a grown woman, for pity’s sake.

She heard Chase chuckle and shake her head. “Come here,” she said, patting the bed beside her. Sam did as she was told, stripping off her shoes and sitting gingerly on the bed next to Chase. Chase moved to that she was sitting on her legs facing Sam. “My parents and Spencer are leaving in the morning,” she started, leaning over and kissing the spot behind Sam’s ear that always caused her to squirm. “Janet’s picking up the girls at 8 to go to the aquarium,” she continued, kissing Sam’s eyebrow, which caused her eyelids to flutter. “So if you stay here tonight, we can have fun in the morning,” Chase teased, placing a soft kiss on Sam’s lips.

Sam groaned and reached for her. They kissed tenderly, Sam being careful not to apply too much pressure. When they pulled away, Chase had a look in her eyes, one that said she was up to something.

“I want to ask you something,” Chase started, biting her lower lip in that cute, shy way she had when she wasn’t quite confident of what she was about to say. “You don’t have to answer right away, but I would like you to think about it.”

Sam smiled. This sounded familiar. “What’s that?” she asked, already pretty sure where this was headed. 

“Move in with me. We’ll probably be spending most of our time here anyway because of Tracy and-”

“Yes,” Sam replied with a grin.

Chase looked shocked. Apparently she had been expecting a refusal or at least a discussion. She certainly looked like she hadn’t expected such a quick reply. “Are you sure? I mean, we just got back together.”

Sam nodded and leaned over to press a kiss to Chase’s neck. Two could play at that game. “You and Tracy are my family,” Sam replied. “It took me some time to lick my wounds and come to that realization. But when I heard her voice on the phone tonight, I knew. This is where I’m supposed to be.”

“I thought you just said you weren’t sure if you should spend the night,” Chase reminded her, looking skeptical.

Chuckling, Sam nodded and replied, “I’m not saying that I’ll move in tomorrow, but I think it’s going to happen sooner rather than later.” She picked up one of Chase’s hands and kissed it gently. “Of course, you’ve already convinced me to spend the night.”

Chase laughed and pushed Sam away lightly. “Then go get changed, you dope.”


	17. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it, folks. I'd like to say a big thank you to those who have stuck with me through the end. I know it's taken a while...anyway, if you see any grammatical errors or any questions you'd like to ask, feel free to comment. Most of Part 3 (Losing Chase) is un-betaed, so I'd appreciate any and all feedback. Thank you again!

She woke up with a hammering heart, doused in sweat, and breathing heavily. Sam was right there beside her within seconds, wrapping her arms around Chase’s shoulders. “Another nightmare?” Sam asked quietly.

Nodding, Chase glanced around and tried to get her bearings. They were in their room – it was still odd for Chase to think about it that way, since Sam had only moved in about a week or so earlier, almost exactly five months after Chase had asked. The nightmares were less frequent now, but sometimes still just as intense. Still, the flashbacks had ceased all together, and Chase felt she could cope with the nightmares by now. 

“I’m okay,” she finally replied, leaning into the support offered by her girlfriend’s arms and breathing deeply. 

Sam pressed a soft kiss to her cheek. “You sure?”

“Yes,” she replied, her hand finding Sam’s and squeezing lightly. “Although, I want to see her.”

Grinning, Sam nodded and allowed her arms to fall from Chase’s shoulders. “By all means,” she replied, nodding towards the door.

It only took a few minutes to reach Tracy’s door, which was open just slightly. Chase pushed lightly, and it slid soundlessly open, revealing her daughter sound asleep on her bed. She smiled at the sight, and sighed deeply. At first, she had found the compulsion to make sure Tracy was all right after her nightmares silly and embarrassing, but Dr. Kate and Sam had convinced her it was perfectly normal – especially when those nightmares centered around Chloe’s suicide attempt. Sadly, that was more often the case than Bacchus.

As the months stretched on, there had been less and less contact from Tracy’s mother, eventually leading to nothing at all. Chase had contacted the place in New Mexico, but due to confidentiality, they couldn’t even tell her if Chloe had ever been there. Thankfully, Chase had taken Dr. Kate’s advice and taken Tracy to a child therapist. She couldn’t imagine how Tracy would be if she hadn’t.

Suddenly, she felt arms slip around her waist and a chin drop onto her shoulder. She hugged Sam’s arms closer around her middle and leaned back into the embrace. “Overthinking again?” 

Turning slightly so that she could look back at Sam, Chase smiled a little and shook her head. “No, just thinking about my amazing family and how lucky I am,” she responded truthfully, pressing her lips lightly to Sam’s. And she truly believed it.


End file.
